I’m going to be completely honest with you and tell you that I have no idea what I just read. I’m not sure if that was the goal or not—to be so obscure and ambiguous that the readers felt lost and confused at the end? All I know is that while it piqued my curiosity at the beginning, I ended up having no idea what happened. I didn’t even have an inkling on what your intentions might have been because it was just that vague and puzzling. It jerked from one moment to another without any clear description and if the entire piece was meant to be a dream (the only explanation I feel makes sense), I feel like you could have written it differently to be more straightforward whilst maintaining a strange and disorienting vibe. You can still throw readers and give a solid description of the situation at the same time. When you’re that vague and choppy, it doesn’t have the effect on readers that you want it to because the confusion is too much. Even if I try to ‘analyze’ it, I’m still lost.
I also think this sentence read awkwardly: […] a carrot, caramel colored head with dark brown eyes, and my mother’s blue flower clip to the right side of my head. – I definitely think it was because of the odd “carrot, caramel colored head” description. I understand you were trying to describe the narrator’s hair color, but it ended up being a strange sentence that I had to actually re-read until it sunk in. Subjective, but nevertheless.
Overall, I think this piece has potential to be something if you were to be clearer with your narrative and descriptions.
Okay, I'll be completely honest with you. This completely threw me, in a good way though. It's a great piece you've written. Once again, I'm not disappointed with your work.
I’m going to be completely honest with you and tell you that I have no idea what I just read. I’m not sure if that was the goal or not—to be so obscure and ambiguous that the readers felt lost and confused at the end? All I know is that while it piqued my curiosity at the beginning, I ended up having no idea what happened. I didn’t even have an inkling on what your intentions might have been because it was just that vague and puzzling. It jerked from one moment to another without any clear description and if the entire piece was meant to be a dream (the only explanation I feel makes sense), I feel like you could have written it differently to be more straightforward whilst maintaining a strange and disorienting vibe. You can still throw readers and give a solid description of the situation at the same time. When you’re that vague and choppy, it doesn’t have the effect on readers that you want it to because the confusion is too much. Even if I try to ‘analyze’ it, I’m still lost.
I also think this sentence read awkwardly: […] a carrot, caramel colored head with dark brown eyes, and my mother’s blue flower clip to the right side of my head. – I definitely think it was because of the odd “carrot, caramel colored head” description. I understand you were trying to describe the narrator’s hair color, but it ended up being a strange sentence that I had to actually re-read until it sunk in. Subjective, but nevertheless.
Overall, I think this piece has potential to be something if you were to be clearer with your narrative and descriptions.