Summary In the summary, I'm caught by the first line -- I'm intrigued to find out who Midnight and Sammi are. I get the feeling that they're lovers, although the first few lines in the first chapter set it straight. I'm also interested in what challenges the guys are up against; since they're moving in a group I don't think it would be too difficult, but you've no doubt something up your sleeve.
Content After reading all three chapters, I'm sensing that you write the way that you talk, and while this isn't a bad situation in some cases -- such as when the characters are talking -- it makes for quite a difficult reading of your story. Especially as it has quite a few gems such as "Autumn here is beautiful, but so is Antarctica. Beautifully freezing." woven throughout. (I love this line, and the deadpan voice that appeared in my mind.) I also love the second last line you have "Sure, I’d love to be a voluntary part of your organized kidnapping. Hope the van is nice!". You've set Midnight up to be a very sarcastic character, and while I love that, I think a great improvement that could be made to this story regarding her character would be to get rid of the "sarcasm intended" tags you place at the end of a sentence, and to put a few choice words in italics. Italics and bold would be a great way to place emphasis on words, rather than capitalising entire sentences. Also just to return to your writing style, to make the story flow more smoothly and coherently, cutting back on using your speech patterns would be greatly beneficial. Just to end on a good note, I love your portrayal of Mikey, and his introduction to Midnight. It's quite endearing.
Summary
In the summary, I'm caught by the first line -- I'm intrigued to find out who Midnight and Sammi are. I get the feeling that they're lovers, although the first few lines in the first chapter set it straight. I'm also interested in what challenges the guys are up against; since they're moving in a group I don't think it would be too difficult, but you've no doubt something up your sleeve.
Content
After reading all three chapters, I'm sensing that you write the way that you talk, and while this isn't a bad situation in some cases -- such as when the characters are talking -- it makes for quite a difficult reading of your story. Especially as it has quite a few gems such as "Autumn here is beautiful, but so is Antarctica. Beautifully freezing." woven throughout. (I love this line, and the deadpan voice that appeared in my mind.) I also love the second last line you have "Sure, I’d love to be a voluntary part of your organized kidnapping. Hope the van is nice!". You've set Midnight up to be a very sarcastic character, and while I love that, I think a great improvement that could be made to this story regarding her character would be to get rid of the "sarcasm intended" tags you place at the end of a sentence, and to put a few choice words in italics. Italics and bold would be a great way to place emphasis on words, rather than capitalising entire sentences. Also just to return to your writing style, to make the story flow more smoothly and coherently, cutting back on using your speech patterns would be greatly beneficial. Just to end on a good note, I love your portrayal of Mikey, and his introduction to Midnight. It's quite endearing.