November 24th, 2014 at 03:35am
I really like the stream-of-thought aspect of your story - one sentence flows onto the next beautifully. At times I felt like you were overcompensating with metaphors and similes, which made it come across as pretentious and unnecessarily wordy. I have to admit I loved the line, “she’s thirty years old and grasping onto youth like she ever had it”. I couldn’t bring myself to care about either of the characters (probably because context is near completely absent, but I suppose that’s what you get with short stories).
I hope this was helpful. All the best.
Overall:
Your story was amazing to read, and I loved the way you wrote it. You gave enough attention to detail without being overbearing, you worded this incredibly, and it's one of the best-written short stories I've read on Mibba.
Errors/Easy Fixes:
There are some spots where there needs to be a word put in/changed/taken out 'Faded red lips don't pull up into a smile,' for example.
Grammar:
Your grammar overall was the best I've ever seen in a story. *Audience applause*
Current Placement:
First.