Animatronic Eyes - Comments

Really good story, good job! I love Markipliers videos by the way, and especially his FNAF series!

So after reading the short and long summaries of the story, I still didn't really have any idea of what the story was about, so I went into the first chapter pretty blind. I thought that starting off the chapter with a little backstory for the main character was an interesting approach. I think if I was able to go into the story knowing what it would be about, then the backstory part might have been a little more effective for me. Out of context though, it just seemed really explanatory and I felt like I was just waiting for something to happen - I eventually found myself kind of skimming through some of the text because there was a lot of what seemed like unnecessary talk and explanation of things that might have been better just shown throughout the plot of the story.

I thought December's fear of animatronics could be pretty relatable to a lot of people. I think it's pretty similar to the common fear of clowns and I think it's something that could really make this story a great horror for a lot of readers. I definitely understand how a place like Freddy Fazbear's Pizza could go from being the greatest party place to a completely horror show - because there's something so sinister about those places when they're falling out of use or if even one tiny little thing is off.

I also thought it was weird that her mom, who she describes as being pretty great at party planning, would get her 8th birthday party so horrendously wrong. I wondered what happened there that caused her mom to kind of slip-up so bad after being so great at it for so many years.

Once I got into the second chapter, I saw that you were going for a really informal, breaking-the-forth-wall kind of narration, which is definitely something I don't see too often on Mibba. I liked that you're using an unusual writing style here, but at times I think it might be too informal. There are parts where the narrator gets so familiar with the readers that it just comes off a little rambly. Again, like with the first chapter, there are times where there's just too much information given, to the point where I lost my interest a bit.

Overall, I think you've definitely got an interesting story going here. I don't think I've ever read a story like this on Mibba - something that's going to take place at some creepy kid's joint. And even though it's not necessarily my cup of tea, I think that fans of horror flicks (or books!) would definitely enjoy it.

Chapter 6, 7, & 8

6.) The employees at that place seem very stuck-up and annoying lol. Like...I don't know, the girls there seem very just overly happy about that creepy fucking place. Like shit, I would be giving the "bitch please, you crazy" type of look the entire time to the ones grinning over everything they do there. Fuck, I feel bad for Decsi. I'm anxious to know how her first work shift turns out.

7.) I honestly laughed at that kid's pizzeria rhyme joke lol. What I wouldn't give to praise that child for insulting that hunk of scary shit xD I am agreeing with Cyrus on her personality and such. At least she seems like an employee that's bearable to handle and talk to. I'm more curious to how the animatronics will react with Desci if it is said that they "act different" to other staff than Blake.

8.) Damn, poor kid. It was definitely something that scared him to death. Like shit, I am really wondering what did that (which I bet I know "what" exactly) and how it happened. Maybe the little punk was toying with them and got the payback...but even if so he was a rude little shit, he shouldn't get frightened to the point of looking so shook up.

I can't wait to read more in the near future! C:

@ Liacide XIII
Thanks for the comment! It'll definitely help me improve. It's good to hear what someone thinks about the chapters further into the story. Thanks for reading!

So this story became super terrifying to me once I found out what “Five Nights at Freddy’s” is, had to have my fiancé show me. Do I regret it? Yes. Did I scream? Most definitely. Am I obsessed with this story? Beyond all doubt. I do love the character relationships developing here, from the very beginning until now. I totally think the owner is up to something, because he is way too damn suspicious all the time. Poor Blake! He seemed like a really great guy and I was looking forward to reading more about him. Two words of advice: The first is watch out for spelling mistakes (just because that’s a given lol) and second, be careful not to put someone else’s dialogue in the same area as another person’s! If that makes sense! Recommending and subscribing! Keep up the great work!

@ nearly witches.
Thank you for the comment! When I read, I look for ways to properly capitalize and punctuate, but these were examples of a few I missed lol. It helps to know how to write and improve dialog scenes, I'll definitely be going through to edit these mistakes and keeping an eye on it in future chapters. Thanks for the help and for reading!

Chalk me up as another one that hasn't played the game, but I'm a huge fan of the horror genre so I don't think it matters too much!

The first line is really intriguing. Right from the get-go, I'm interested to find out what 'before all of this' was, because it instantly has these awful connotations that make you think that the narrator has gone through something awful. First lines like that are the perfect hook into the rest of the story. Having the narrator then go on and describe simple, mundane actions in the way that they have adds more of that unease to the story as a whole. What I think is great here is that even within the first few chapters, you've managed to create this sense of dread for the reader without actually going into anything in-depth when it comes to the story or the plot. It adds this air of mystery to everything as well, which is definitely an awesome hook to have there.

What I enjoyed most about the party scene is the fact that, as an eight year old, the thought of being scared of the animatronics is a very realistic fear. I was pretty freaked out by those things when I was younger, so I can definitely understand what's going on in Decsi's mind! The idea of that fear growing up with Decsi is also pretty realistic and it'll definitely be interesting to see how it furthers and what happens, because the line that you finish the first chapter with is definitely a hook into the next. You've got a really awesome knack for building up atmosphere for the reader and keeping them reading on, which is definitely something that I feel a lot of horror stories these days lack, so super-awesome job on that!

I noticed a few errors / typos, which I'll document below:

soun -- first chapter, first paragraph. Should be sound.

In the narration for the party, you use Decsi and then a few seconds later, you use Descsi. It might be an idea to change whatever one is incorrect as it threw me off a little.

stor -- first chapter, towards the end. Should be story.

I also noticed that there are a few errors with the way that you're writing the dialogue. When writing dialogue followed by a tag (he said, she said, etc.) that directly links to the dialogue, you should use a comma to end the dialogue instead of a period and use a lowercase letter to start the dialogue tag. For example, the line:

"Sweetie, I know it looks cold, but the party is still on." She assured me

should be...

"Sweetie, I know it looks cold, but the party is still on," she assured me

It's a simple little thing and it doesn't take away too much, but it's super-simple to fix so I thought I'd point it out!

All-in-all, this is an awesome start! I've only had time to read the first chapter, but I definitely think I'll be coming back to continue because I'm really interested to see how these animatronics continue to plague Decsi and see how she deals with them and what they are inevitably going to do! Awesome job!

@ beautiful monotony
Thanks for the comment! It's nice to hear actually, from people who haven't played the game or are familiar with it. It helps me figure out how to round the story so everyone understand it and it's not crazy with game references. lol Thank you for reading!

@ swell
Thank you for the comment! When I wrote the first chapter, I really had to go into a frame of mind like "How would I act if I was her, as an eight year-old expecting the greatest party ever?" It was definitely fun to write and helps you get inside that character's mind early on before you're halfway through the story. Thanks for reading!

So, I'm going to be honest here. This is probably one of the only fanfics I've ever read, so it's going to be sort of hard for me to comment on it xD Umm, I honestly don't know a lot about FNAF, though I think someone did get me to play the game once. It looked really creepy and made the guy who showed me the game jump, which I found hilarious, but I think this story makes it seem a lot creepier than the actual game xD I don't know... I'm more connected to words sometimes.

Anyhow, back to the story. I'm just reading the first chapter for the moment, but rest assured with the knowledge that I plan on coming back for more! Anyhow, in the first chapter, I saw a couple of errors. I think there was a word in the first paragraph that was misspelled, and another word towards the end, but that was all and nothing major. It happens to all of us; I just thought you'd want to know about it. Other than that... I actually really liked your writing.

You do a great job with first person POV, really narrating the story. It felt like more of a prologue than a first chapter, and it successfully whetted my appetite, so to speak. Its also refreshing to find someone who makes long-ish chapters! Sometimes, people will have like... 500 words or less a chapter, and it sort of kills me a little inside to see that happen. So that was definitely a breath of fresh air.

Really, I'm terribly curious to see where this is going to go

I liked the way you began your first chapter - it immediately drew me in and I was curious to read more. The idea of having a phobia of robot animals I found super interesting, it’s something I’ve never read before and the way you described them as sinister and dark was exactly how I’d picture robotic animals to be if I was in Desci’s position. I thought you did a great job of being descriptive at Desci’s eighth birthday party and I felt I could imagine the scene perfectly. To be honest, after reading that first chapter I’m a little freaked to read more because I’m not sure if I want to keep going (because of how well you described her fear and the way it affected me, which I wasn’t expecting) but I think I might because I’m curious to see how the animals affect her ten years later. Great start!

Chapter 4 & 5:

Ohhhh man!
The Bite of 87' is going to be one hell of a "holy shit" moment for those two D:
That could only mean one thing: Golden Freddy
*hides in a corner forever*
Damn, the suspense is killing me to what more they could find!

I would be so pissed if I had to start that early for a damn piece of crap job like that one.
And December's mom isn't even acknowledging sympathy, which only makes things worse.
Even though I am terrified for both December and Jack, I am very anxious to know what happens next!!
I should be able to read more soon :)

And you are very welcome for the comments ^_^
It all depends on if you like my sort of fan-fiction lol.

@ RavenArtist93

Thanks for all the comments! It's always nice to know what someone thinks of your work, if you have any stories you'd like some feedback on, let me know and I'll be more than happy to read them

Chapter 3:

Haha, I'm glad Jack decided to join.
But I'm wondering if that would make things bad or worse...?
Who knows.
But I am looking forward to the outcome of how she is assigned to this horrible place D:

Chapter 2:

My entire facial expression went "D:" when I realized that she was going to be placed at that horrible pizzeria. Like damn! I'm on the edge of my seat to know what could happen next.
And damn, that teacher is a bitch!

Can't wait to read more c:

I'm surprised no big FNAF fan would be around to read this. D: I'll be your first! c:

I read the first chapter and so far, I am very interested in getting to know the characters more, especially when FNAF becomes more diabolical lol And already, they creep me out.
I really feel bad for the main character.
Having to go through that is truly horrifying, I just can't imagine D:
Even though I am scared for the character, I really REALLY can't wait to read more. I shall get more reading and comments done later on c:

Great work!