November 15th, 2015 at 01:51am
I believe that can be structured better. Perhaps you can try rearranging the clauses.
You can have more descriptions. For example, you can describe what's brewing in Ryella's mind and the small actions that she is doing. These descriptions are fillers in between the dialogue and makes it seem like smoothly transitioning from one scene to another.
Sorry, I'm just really pushy with details
All in all, you did a great job with the first chapter. Although it's not enticing and there's not a lot of giveaways on what Ryella's persona is except that she seems upright (imo). 
Are you going to be bringing in twitter for this? BECAUSE I LOVE STORIES WHERE IT SHOWS TWEETS AND STUFF, IT'S SO CUTE. 
HELLA, YOU WENT WITH HELLA.
When I saw that you recommended something Harry Styles related, I was on board, ready to sail on that ship because Harry will always have a special place in my heart
Your banner and layout are both equally as lovely. I love the bold colors because I think it will match the storyline perfectly. I’ve always loved this type of idea where two people are paid or suppose to act like a couple because it’s fucking interesting, you know?
CHAPTER ONE
The first sentence, paragraph or dialogue should always be captivating or something simple. What you have in the first chapter, first opening line is something called an awkward-sentence. Your main point here would be her blue eyes scanning the document, however, it’s a bite messy and confusing when you’re trying to squish all the details into this particular sentence. Maybe try breaking it down into two or three sentences? I think that’d work fine. Throughout the chapter, I noticed a couple more sentences structured similar to this, but other than that it’s great.
With that being said, I appreciate the types of details you lay out for the reader when describing how Ryella looks with her hair, eyes, movements, etc. However, I would love to read more about Hilary’s descriptions, how she looks like when she’s telling Ryella the news, etc. This would bring the world you're creating a much more realistic visual for the reader.
Ryella is an interesting character and so is her manager. Hilary acts like this motherly figure to her. It’s captivating to read about their conversations, despite some of Hilary’s intentions.
For this line, Sighing, she replied, you could possibly change it with After sighing, Hilary replied,. It’s a bit confusing and chunky as you’re trying to explain the action being done.
CHAPTER TWO
Each member of the band gave a cheer and a high five…
Here, I think it’d be best to say their band name to make it more clear for the reader, especially for people who don’t know 1D.
Although I’m having an easy time with the flow of your story, maybe you could describe more of what Paul’s looking like or feeling? I would love to read about him “raising his eyebrows or arching his head to side” rather than just “remembering something important” you know? Descriptions are as important as the real story itself :)
“The boys turned to look at their brunette friend, beginning to tease him.”
^^ THIS SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING THE REST OF THE BAND WOULD DO
I like the little news or gossip chips you add at the end of the chapters. I think that is a nice touch to your story.
Thank you for recommending this story. If you have any questions with some of my corrections, please talk to me :) I didn’t intend on sounding mean or anything. Like what losing control. and gotta be you said, I’m doing the same with what I would expect people would do to me when asking for feedback. Overall, I think you have a promising story on your hands. RYELLA BE GOOD TO HARRY, OKAY