March 31st, 2015 at 10:16pm
I came over to check out some of your stories and leave a nice constructive comment.
:D Passing along the spirit of the Mibbaster Holiday.
You have a very nice, long summary. But maybe try to not reveal as much? Maybe trying saying instead something like: Brian decided to take a break from his stressful life as a profession band member. After his travels took a turn for the worse he ended up in a Podunk town that seemed to be more his speed definitely after meeting a very attractive waiter. Then lead into the ending sentence of Sometimes all you need to do is find your missing part, stay tuned for Brian's untold love story.
As for the first chapter. I always find it more appealing in a story when the first word isn't a conversation.
Try:
With a playful tone and a smile in my voice I said, "Eh, babe tell the rest the guys I'm taking a week off."
I noticed all your dialogue starts the sentence and the description of who is speaking comes after, try switching it up otherwise the quotation marks all along the left make it seem like there isn't any description at all.
Thinking of description. Maybe add more, describe things. Describe Cindy's hips (luscious, thin, fragile) describe her eyes (blue, calm, beautiful). Describe things more, it adds length and helps pull readers in.
Otherwise I like the idea of your story and think it has potential. :D
Thank you so much, I will defiantly try to add more description and change the way I start my stories. And of course change up my summary.