Playing with Chronos - Comments

Hey! I'm here giving out an incredibly late comment from my Make Me Laugh, Cry or Sit on the Edge of My Seat contest. Apologies for the delay!

Summary and Layout
The summary is simple, and gets the reader engaged. I love the idea of messing with the past to fix the future, so I'd definitely click into this purely based on the summary! The layout is lovely too -- very simplistic, but pretty.

Content
I really love the concept of this! I've read a lot of time travel stories, but it's always been the case that people are really careful to not change anything, but here Zoe's actually suggesting they do change things to make her wedding day as perfect as possible. I see trouble brewing on the horizon already! What I love about the initial time-travel is that there's this battle between slight amusement and between being absolutely heartbroken for Michaela. On one side, you've got them discussing haircuts and just being nostalgic, but there's this other side where you see the girls being nasty towards Michaela, and that's horrible.

I also really like how different and rounded Zoe and Michaela seem as a characters. Right down to the way Zoe was proposed to, you've got this wonderful way of bringing across the character likes and dislikes without being too obvious about it. You sneak lovely little anecdotes in the whole way through, and even when the memories are changing like they do when they go to get the dress, it's still very wonderfully woven through.

What I like most about this story, though, is the way that the Chronos almost seems like a drug. There are these little changes that Zoe makes to keep everything perfect, but then there's a bunch of changes that she starts making that seem to adversely affect her and she just keeps escalating. I also find it kind of apt that it ended up being the opposite way around -- Michaela ended up being happy at the end and Zoe was the one that lost everything. I thought something bad would happen, but I wasn't really expecting that ending, so kudos for not going for the cliche ending!

Concrit

The only thing I picked up on was that at points, some of the dialogue sounded a little robotic, but I only really noticed that in the first chapter. I don't really have much else to say!

Overall

This was a really bittersweet story, in the end. I still don't know how to feel! On one hand, I do understand where Jayden is coming from, but it's heartbreaking to see Zoe go to all of that effort to have it end so badly. You wrote it wonderfully, though. Awesome job!

Time travel is a rare concept on Mibba and I'm welcoming it with open arms as I dance and sing its praises from the rooftops. Your story is really light-hearted and the need for Zoe to go back and change these little things to make everything "perfect" I feel is going to have some hefty lasting effects. Its well written and the way you start it out, jumping in with both feet instead of toeing around the idea pulls a reader in right away.
Great job!
:D

I really enjoy this concept. I don’t see a lot of time travel stories on here, especially not ones that don’t involve Doctor Who. So it is refreshing to see such creativity and originality in something like this. The storyline is pretty interesting and I’ve read the first couple of chapters so far. I must say that I don’t have a lot of criticisms to point out. Actually the only criticism I have is simply a writers style choice and that’s just because I’m not the biggest fan of third person. But I do appreciate the way you pull it off. It seems like a very relaxed story so far but I will definitely keep reading to find out what obstacles Zoe and Michaela face. I can’t wait to see how the wedding turns out and how this story unfold.

This is really interesting, I've never read a story like this before, which automatically spikes my interest and every chapter just pulls you in... leaves you wanting more. I didn't spot any mistakes, at least none that stopped me reading that is, and everything flowed smoothly as well. Awesome job!

I'm still so worried about why they can't remember everything even though the chronos says they should remember both (all?) timelines. Now I'm wondering if the guys have a Chronos too. Can't wait to read more.

(Also side-eyeing Zoe so hard, right now. She's seeming a bit selfish, like she only cares that things worked out for herself and not about how her friend feels about things. I'm getting suspicious of Zoe. Thinking maybe she did some secret meddling.)

I was drawn in by the name of the story, and now after reading the first chapters, it's quite fitting. It gives me the feeling that all Zoe's time travel is going to backfire, and maybe some of the people she effected do not remember her. I'm just very excited to read what happens next! Even if they were just minor things she fixed and edited, I wonder if they'll have a large effect? I do not have any negative critiques, it is a great read! It's very interesting right off, and easily gets you sucked in when she mentions 'time travel'. And you're just like "Whoa, how's she going to do that?'. I love how you wrote it, it wasn't over done or underdone, it was very realistic. Great job, keep it up! I'll be back with the next update.

This story started off really cutely, and I love how the machine was introduce. It was like it was an expensive phone at first, but then it was revealed to be a time travelling device and I wondered about the implications. It's a really unique way of dealing with time travel, as it is usually pretty intense. I feel like something is going to go very wrong, and I worry about the main characters. They both seem lovely, and I'm already pretty attached to them. I'm really hoping they make it out alright. I'm glad Zoe is trying to be a better friend towards Michaela and fix her mistakes she made when she was a teenager. It must have made her feel awful to not stick up for her friend back then.

There was only one mistake that I picked up on in the first chapter: 'Aubree was first in the door, and after given Zoe a massive hug' should be '... after she had given...'. Other than that, the story is pretty much perfect. It's a unique take on time travel and is very well-written. You certainly have quite a knack for writing. Keep up the good work!

So far, this has a very lighthearted feel to it, which I enjoyed. It's really interesting and refreshing how you took a topic that is usually very heavy and intense, time travel, and changed it into something rather easy and light.

I must admit, just reading the first chapter, I was a bit thrown off at how this Zoe had so easily purchased a time traveling device, haha. But I see now that this is in a future or AU where things like this are common. The limitations on the device are helpful too--though it still seems like it could be abused in the wrong hands.

I don't particularly like Zoe as a character thus far. Not that she was written poorly--you did a fantastic job giving the two leading ladies unique voices--I'm just not pleased with her friendship haha. To go through all of the trouble of time travel, just to force your mean high school gal pals into liking your true best friend seems a little shallow. If she really respected Michaela, it seems like she would stick up for her more so on her own, without manipulation from the future. Though, I suppose that does accurately represent high school for most...peer pressure always silences you.

Anyhow, this was very enjoyable to read. Very nice job! Grammatically, I didn't notice any flaws, either. ^^

Something tells me that things are about to get bad here really quick, because the one thing you are not supposed to do is alter the past! Either that or she is going to become power hungry with her ability to change things and so too much would get changed, causing a chain reaction! I really loved how this story is turning out though because it is really unique and interesting! Definitely not something you see every day and the only thing I could think that would be a mistake would be a spelling problem here or there! I can’t wait for you to update and I am subscribing and recommending!

Just reading the summary alone had me interested. I feel like this is going to be a casual-sci-fi novel (kind of like Rainbow Rowell's Landline) and I'm very into it.

Oh my god! I read the first chapter with this huge stupid smile on my face and hands pressed into my cheeks like some kind of goober - (my guy asked me what the hell was I reading) - because the premise of this is so simple but it just sounds like a lot of fun (with lots of potential for disaster). It seems like chicklit/sci-fi and it's a genre mashup I didn't know I needed until now.

I love that the story just jumps right in and I think that works really well here because we'll be learning the characters' backstory as it progresses. And I thought it was interesting that Zoe thought to go back in time to make her perfect wedding day, rather than let the wedding play out first and then just go back in time to fix whatever goes wrong at the actual event. I think that probably says a lot about Zoe, her relationship with Michaela, and just how she feels about her past in general. I feel like it's possible that she has a lot of stuff to make-up for/a lot of regrets or maybe she's just a control freak; because why else would she go so far back in hopes of 'fixing' a wedding that hasn't happened yet? (UNLESS she's already had a wedding that's gone horrifically wrong and that first moment with Zoe was the first stop in her time traveling. Hmm... Maybe she's got a Butterfly Effect thing going on.)

After reading the second chapter, I'm beginning to get a little worried. Zoe is so quickly approaching abuse of that thing and also trying to attain some really crazy level of 'perfection' and she's getting really nitpicky. I get the feeling she's never really going to be satisfied (and I wonder if maybe the issue is that she's not too happy with Jayden or she's just not ready for a marriage). I was a little caught off guard that they did their time-traveling thing so soon after the tennis match and with the guys so close (especially since Jayden isn't supposed to know). I think I'm learning a little more about Zoe though - like she seems to be a really spontaneous person and certainly spontaneity can't go well with time travel. I also think I'm learning a bit about Michaela too. I thought - because of her issues with being bullied and how easily she agreed to Zoe's time-traveling plan - that she might be a pushover, but I like that she's at least starting to question what Zoe's doing, even if she's not resisting yet.

At the end of the second chapter, I started to wonder how common time-travel was in this story. Is it a pretty well known and kind of 'normal' thing but it's just really expensive to get your hands on? If it's a normal thing, has there been known issues with it? I'm so curious.

The third chapter's use of the Chronos was so ideal. I think that when you think of using it to make a perfect wedding, that's exactly what you'd think it be used for. It so weird to think though, that if they couldn't go back to do that, Zoe would have been screwed (how would she have proved the assistant screwed up?). Of course, the fact that Michaela doesn't remember the conversation with London is definitely worrying (and it makes me think again that maybe Zoe is doing some extra fiddling without Michaela or maybe she bought a knock-off brand Chronos and it's screwing with them).

Anyway, I'm definitely subscribing and recommending this piece. I can't wait to see this all go haywire and how these changes really take effect. I love that right now the chapters are fairly short and they're being broken down by each Chronos use; I think it's a good way to kind of keep focus on each individual event and probably that will be important later.

Well, I was going to start out by saying that I had no idea this was going to end up being a time traveling story of sorts, but then I went back and read the summary and now it fits. Anyway, I think you did a great job describing how the time traveling works. I don't know if you came up with it all on your own, or pulled from something else, but it's just described in a way that makes sense and sounds plausible. I was a little thrown off when the time traveling was first brought up. It just felt out of nowhere, but it was brought up in a casual way which just shows that where the story takes place it's not so uncommon of a thing to do.

I really think you have a great start on this story and I truly enjoyed reading! I think I'm going to subscribe as well becasue now I'm curious as to how this will all play out. Zoe seems to think that she is just making small changes but what happens if the small changes change something big, like Michaela seems to be worrying about? Or if Zoe starts to change bigger things in the past?

As for spelling and grammar, I didn't see any issues. You're clearly a very talented writer and I look forward to reading more!