Blood Lust - Comments

I like where this story is going. I do feel like sometimes, your word choice hinders the flow of the story. There were a few times that I had to go back and reread. The layout is nice but the text is a bit small, I had to zoom in to read it. You have detail but not too much to overwhelm the reader. Good job and keep up the good work!

I think you did a wonderful job of world building so far. You gave a great description of the society, starting with the the lands and then getting into all of the secret horrors that go on in the government-esque system. You can see that the Kurai people have a strong cultural heritage and that they won't go down without a fight, should it come to that. I really like that you included the Spirit Realm, which adds both to the culture of the Kurai people and gives us a sense of what their belief system is like.

I just wanted to link you to an article on world building that I thought was interesting. It has some information about "sins of world building" that I think could be useful for you in the future. Article

Good luck with the rest of your story! I think you are an incredible writer with great style!

There is so much information in this first chapter, so many introductions. I love how it starts off, and how it branches from being focused on Xia to Enya and Absinthe. Enya seems like a woman on a mission, and nothing is going to get in her way. Your descriptions are flawless, and I found no issue with anything. Overall, it's great, it's just not my cup of tea. I wish you luck with the rest of it though.

This is interesting so far! I've only made it through the first chapter, but I'm planning on reading the rest.

Your summary was fantastic, it made me really excited to read the story. Your descriptions throughout the the whole first chapter were really lovely. They pained a really nice picture and helped set up the story. I know this is fanfiction, but it felt like you introduced a lot of characters really quickly and it got a little bit confusing in the middle. I had to re-read a couple of lines to double check on which character was there. I'm sure it would have helped if I knew what the story is based on, but I thought I'd mention it anyways.

A few things I noticed:
He was busy eating the population's food and gaining weight than doing anything of worth or value to his people.
This sentence felt awkward. Maybe instead of "than doing anything of worth", "instead of doing anything of worth" would make a bit more sense.

But the start of corruption had started months prior.
Having "start/started" in that sentence twice felt a little bit weird.

The hierarchy had stopped caring to these individuals, making them outcasts.
"Caring about" instead of "caring to".

She was blood born from her mothers womb, killing her in the process and being awarded holy powers from the Spirit Realm with disregard to her status.
"Mothers" should have an apostrophe.

But yes, you have a really lovely story here and I'm looking forward to reading the rest!

.....I'm scared and intrigued

Summary:
That was beautifully written and most certainly pulls me in with the just the first line; the last line, "And monsters they became." gave me the chills!

Ch 1. I really like how you describe the corruption and greed as a sickness.

It really sucks you in, the descriptions, aren't too overbearing, and the characters have good depth to them. The queen gives me the creeps and now that I know what the witch really looks like, she does too.

The chapter itself is rather long, and could probably be split into two separate chapters to give the readers a chance to process the different characters and the back story on them. But, I like how you ended the chapter with out it being too much of a cliff hanger, while also not being so much of an ending that a person wouldn't want to continue reading.

The first chapter offers a lot of information to take in at once, and reads like a very strong fantasy novel. It feels like one of those books, like Lord of the Rings, where if you're interested in the subject matter its brilliant work. It took me some time to work through the first couple of chapters, that may have been due to the information overload, or just the complexity of the names. I liked the metaphor you used in terms of Lord Xia: "Xia rose out of him like a dragon awakening from slumber." It reminds of something I'd have read in Game of Thrones, and not just because of Daenerys and her dragons. I think that it was a lot of information to begin the first chapter with, and it kind of sets a slow pace when you want to kind of grab readers with action. Although backstory is good, its just not something you want to unload all at once.

Okay I just want to say first off, the description, blurb, title page, whatever you want to call it is written so freaking beautifully and is so intriguing! Especially the end sentence, Holy crap! It sounds badass and I am so excited to read this!
Oh wow! The prologue was amazing, your writing is so beautiful I am envious of your talent. So, so jealous. Definitely a great way to start and draw a reader in!
The second chapter! The second freaking chapter! Luna and Geng make me giggle with their arguing!! My gosh! I love them so much. So so much! YES!
Enya and Yunho’s relationship is just beautiful like so beautiful! Man I was getting all smiley and giddy and just they are so perfect! And just yes! I love them OTP.
OH MY GOSH!!! the last chapter holy crap! HOLY CRAP!!! that was so dramatic and action-y and amazing and I loved it!!!! Wonderful Wonderful Wonderful! You are an amazing writer…. But what will happen next???

Oh my goodness...that was perfect! I love me! I love Han, he's such a douche! xD