Carcass - Comments

Girl you cannot end a chapter like that. Seriously, I want to know what happens next so bad.

I really like the way you've set up the story. The prologue was awesome, I really liked the way you described Cruz in a few different ways that all kind of joined together. I'm interested to meet him and see what he ends up being like. I also want to know what happens to the main character's (whose name I can't remember if we know) family. Since you mentioned that she has no family to care about her dating a crazy biker guy but her father was there when she was younger. I like your descriptions as well. There isn't a whole ton of detail, but I think that fits the theme of the story really well.

A few things I noticed:
Chapter 2:
When I told my father at sixteen, that I had gotten the job at the diner, he wasn’t that thrilled.
The comma after “sixteen” seemed unnecessary.

At first I played along, biting down my distaste, but after a while I came to appreciate and love shooting and the time my father went out of his way to not only teach but spend with me.
This sentence confused me. I think the way you were talking about time made it confusing, I knew what you were trying to say but the way you got there was kind of odd.

Chapter 4:
The rumble of motorcycles in the distance interrupts before I can offer a snarky reply.
I think a “me” after “interrupts” would make it flow a bit better.

“I don’t think so.” I correct squinting at their backs as they hop off the bikes cigarettes dangling loosely from their lips. “The jackets aren’t the same.”
I think there should be a comma between “bikes” and “cigarettes”.

As all eyes focus on me, the reason as why the teardrop tattoos by the corner of their eyes look familiar becomes very clear.
This sentence was worded really awkwardly.

Other than those things, I really enjoyed this! I already subscribed and recc'd it back when I was first going to read it, but I'm super excited to see what happens next!

This is awesome! I love the way you introduce your characters at the beginning, it offers a great opening into the story and it makes you want to continue reading.

I also like the way you've kept it kinda calm, the way you've taken time to mention that her dad was helplesss when it came to her womanly issues but then you backed that up and also shared what he was good at when it came to boys... these details are not necessarily needed but they add so much more depth to a charactrer in my opinion.

Overall I love this... it flows nicely and the short chapters leave me wanting to read more. Your detail is great and there was nothing that stopped me reading.

As a side note I absolutely LOVE your layout :)

Hey! Saw this on the Mibba page & have been meaning to check it out! I like what you did with the repetition in the first chapter. At first I thought it was accidental, but then it really came together nicely as an intro. It was clever and worked well. The second chapter is very much still an intro and that threw me just slightly (probably because of how much it feels like the narrator is telling us about her past rather than reminiscing it on her own), but I can tell that the story is going to pick up and that keeps me hooked.

One thing I did want to mention though is be careful of a couple of your descriptions being too cliche. Like the “sweet, elderly old neighbor” and her dad’s absolute cluelessness. I know they’re just minor (and super minor) characters at this point, but still. It might be nice not to pidgin hole the characters so much. But also, feel free to ignore me! I was just picturing a sweet but spunky old neighbor at first, thinking that she would have a real significance on the main character later on. :P

I think that the chapter three “one year ago” thing is really cool. The only thing that threw me about it is that up until that point, everything had been written about her past. There had been no current story line to jump back to one year before (does that make sense??) I feel like “one year ago” comes after a current time/setting, but everything before the “one year ago” was about her past. One way to remedy that (if you want to) would be to use actual years instead, and then have it jump forward a year. Like put “2014” and then jump forward a year. (You could even do this as a theme, maybe, since you do start with her childhood and move forward). Just a thought!

BUT OKAY CHAPTER FOUR. I was instantly hooked and forgot about my little nit-picky comments. Her character seems intelligent and put together and really confident and at ease, despite the situation. I really like her and I don’t know what it is that draws me in. I’m really excited about chapter five and seeing what happens. I’m already running scenarios through my head. I hope that you update soon because I can tell that this is picking up fast and I want to see how she interacts with people who aren’t complete morons (Serena).

I read through chapter four so fast that I’m really hoping you update soon. Like now. :)

(p.s - in the beginning of chapter four you write, “Motorcycle club. They’re a motorcycle club Serena.” There should be a comma before ‘Serena’. This goes for all names tacked onto the end like that.)

The prologue is absolutely incredible. It's like poetry, each paragraph a stanza of perfect description. I love how it goes from the father, to the daughter, to the narrater, to the main character's view point, if you can call it that.

I can't even wait to sink my teeth in, which luckily I don't have to wait, and now I'm off to read the next chapter where I'll make more comments on what I'm positive is going to turn into such a great story.

So I don't even mind that the chapter is short, I'm just sitting here thinking (excuse my language) HOLY SHIT. This character is already so great! I love the background here. Her father being totally helpless when it comes to helping her with becoming a woman, and the elderly lady taking her under her wing, that just makes me smile. It builds the character so well, really puts a foundation under her. And then when her father will let her work in a place he doesn't approve, but helps her learn to defend herself. My god, I feel like that's just so bold and I love it. I do wonder though what happens, because in the prologue she says she doesn't have a father to torture. I'm guessing that he dies at some point, which is quite sad. But now I'm on to chapter two...

I just want to take a moment to tell you that I totally appreciate/like the "One Year Ago" marker. I think it's quite unique.

"She halts filling the salt shakers to fix her gaze on me." - I LOVE this description. It's so real.

Ohhh, am I sensing drama between these two co-workers? It's so good.

Serena just seems like a stupid stuck up bitch. I'm assuming that's how she's suppose to come across, so good job with that! I do feel kind of bad for her though.

Charlotte though, she seems like her head is screwed on just right. Oh no! Honestly though, in that situation I'd be disappointed if she didn't react in some clumsy way. It's definitely a shocker, and them being so casual about it definitely is unsettling.

... The end of the chapter is just... It's not shocking, but I do wonder just why Serena screamed.

I can't wait to for the rest of this story to unfold.

Now that I've read everything you've got posted for it, I can say that this is one of the best stories I've read on here. Your descriptions are so spot on, the dialogue flows so effortlessly. Honestly, I can't give you enough praise.

I didn't find one single mistake, I didn't see anything I didn't like. All in all, I'm already willing to rate this 10/10. I'm definitely subscribing and recommending.

I'd also like to make a small note about the layout, becase it's just perfect, honestly. And while I'm at it, the title is also amazing. I can already tell it fits the story to a t.

I just found this lovely gem, and I'm glad I did. This is really a wonderful story so far. It has a really strong start and it stays strong through the rest of the chapters. I love the simplicity that you put into each of them. If seems to draw me even more into the story. To be honest, I really want to read more. I love stories like these. I also just really love your working style. I can't wait for more because I want to know what is going to happen next.

Can I just state that I nearly wet my self from the Florence song. I was chill af listening to it in another tab while I started read and it was kinda low and the talking an light music was fine then BLAM! Im having a heart attack because the sudden harsh loudness of the crash.

Ummm excuse me woman, when is the next chapter of this?

The main character is really not what I expected. She's a lot more delicate than I'd originally thought out! It's a nice change, and I think it'll take the story in an amazing direction.

But I still want the explosive next chapter

Ummm excuse me woman, when is the next chapter of this?

The main character is really not what I expected. She's a lot more delicate than I'd originally thought out! It's a nice change, and I think it'll take the story in an amazing direction.

But I still want the explosive next chapter

First, let me state that this layout is perfect. I feel like it truly brings the story to life. Nothing says wild and reckless biker gang like skulls and roses.

Second, your writing is impeccable. I really love your style. And Charlotte...she seems like one gun-wielding, bad ass chick. I can't wait until Cruz makes an appearance even though I'm not sure if I like him or not. But I love this and I can't wait to see where it goes.

But in the end, none of it mattered because I taught Cruz the last lesson by killing him. BAIT AND HOOKED

CHAPTER ONE: I'm really digging the repetition going on. Right from the get-go I'm interested in knowing Cruz. I like the multiple views you describe him in. I especially like how you described him in the view of a father, despite Charlotte not even knowing hers. It's interesting to read a story where the main character directly speaks to the reader. I'm wondering she'll be stepping aside to explain things in the following chapters. I'm also hoping you're not alluding to rape when you write I was only willing in the beginning.

CHAPTER TWO: I like the set up of this story. I like that you didn't just throw me into the beginning, when she met Cruz, or throw me straight into her recollection of her time with him. I was a tad confused at first because I was under the assumption Charlotte didn't know her dad at all, but I just assumed that from the summary (Advice I would have taken if I had a family.)

Overall, you're doing a good job characterizing Charlotte, especially since it's in her limited point of view. I feel like you've done a good job with making it interesting. Your pace so far is nice, it lets me take all these new characters in without feeling overwhelmed.

I can't say I have any criticism, other than the Packing Heat seems to abruptly end. But then again, I like that each chapter gives a little bit of info, and goes on to the next. I already said this, but just for emphasis, I really like the pace I want to get to know Charlotte now, not just Cruz and her father. I'm totally wondering if the title alludes to anything who's dying?

Oh, and I like your layout~

Everybody loves a bad boy, haha; and it would be almost unnatural to say the we all are innocent of loving one at some point or another. Although I have never been with a biker, I have experienced my fair share of dating drug dealers and prison goers. I have been told that the motorcycle gang lifestyle has not been as glamorous as people make it out to be, so I am interested on which side of things you will highlight and detail. Your style and tone is already so unique and enticing that I'm sure no matter what direction you go in with this story it will become dearly loved.

Most of what I would say can be a reflection of what nearly witches. has already recognized. I, too, harbor a love for this layout and unique banner that you sport. In regards to the minor spelling and tense errors, do you ever read your stories out loud before posting them? Sometimes hearing the words out loud allows for you to catch errors before the world sees them. Other than that, you, my dear, are a lovely writer and should counting as such.

Layout / Summary

Simple layouts are absolutely my favourite kind, so this one really made me happy. Chilled colours and an awesome banner -- I need to know your secrets, the banner looks incredible!

The summary itself is intriguing. I instantly want to know more about this mysterious Cruz. Then you come in with that very last line and I was all "wooooaaaaaaaaah" so definitely a good hook there. I'd have read this absolutely no doubt if I had come across it on the story page. It sounds right up my street.

Content

The description of Cruz at the beginning of the prologue just makes me even more interested in him. You describe his personality so eloquently that even after that first paragraph, I feel like I can imagine him in my head. I have no idea about motorcycle gangs in the slightest, so it's really good that you've started off by giving us this awesome description of Cruz, rather than just leaving us to wonder what he does. It makes it pretty clear from the very start that he's a bad guy, and it just seems to add so much to the rest of the story when the reader continues on. The repetition really helps too, it hammers home that fact and seems to just tie everything together beautifully.

The second chapter made me grin, if only because the father reminds me so much of my own dad. I mean, I'm lucky enough to have been brought up by both parents, but my dad was always a deer in the headlights when it came to anything remotely girly. And boyfriends, don't get me started. overprotective and overreactive. My dad in a nutshell. In that way, I can sympathise with the narrator, but I can also see where she's coming from in the very end of the chapter, because it does come in handy. I think this chapter gave the story an extremely down-to-earth and realistic feel and I love that. Character development was absolutely spot-on throughout this as well. You get a taste for the narrator's personality, but also one for her father's personality.

Concrit

my father was completely at a lost as a single father [chapter two] -- lost should be loss.

At first, I played along biting down my distaste -- I'd suggest moving the commas around here to make it flow more easily. Maybe try something like At first I played along, biting down my distaste, as it puts the pause in a more natural place.

Not massive issues, and I have nothing else to put here. Awesome!

Overall

I'll be the first person to admit that the world of motorcycle gangs does not interest me in the slightest, but this story definitely has a hook that's gotten to me! I love the narrator's tone, I love your writing style and I'm really interested in where the story is going to go, especially coupling what you've written so far with the summary! I'm looking forward to seeing where you take this, awesome job!

I love how you usually give away the ending in the summaries, but still leave enough room for the imagination. As usual I'm not disappointed, it's not something I'd normally read about, but your writing style makes it so easy to get into. I'm excited for you. And can I just take a second to gush over your beautiful layout and characters. I really hope you'll continue!

Super excited for more of this! <3 I love the narration, it's truly 'straight up' and definitely gives a bit of an attitude! I'm excited to see if the rest of the story will be written within the rear view mirror -- as it were -- or if you'll jump a bit more into the present!

Super excited for more of this! <3 I love the narration, it's truly 'straight up' and definitely gives a bit of an attitude! I'm excited to see if the rest of the story will be written within the rear view mirror -- as it were -- or if you'll jump a bit more into the present!

You're summary was amazing and really pulled me in. I was like, "Oh my god, I've got to read this as quickly as possible. I need to suck in all the awesomeness" and when I read the chapter I was like, "Oh lordy. Good golly gosh, that Cruz is gonna go and get her all caught up."
You're descriptions are wonderful, without giving away everything which is usually the problem (want to write me a summary for WNF ) I felt like I already knew Cruz without knowing him. You did a great job of describing him by his personality and actions. Its great and can't wait to read more. I subscribed because if I don't read more of this soon I think I will die.
You're layout is gorgeous. Did you make it? Its completely lovely. <3

YASSS, this is so good.
You are so good. YAAASS!!!!

I can't wait for the next official chapter.

I think you've made a good start! I really liked the repetition you used to start off each paragraph, and you ended the chapter in a way that made me wonder exactly how your character started dating him and what journey she went on to end up killing him. It's no doubt going to be an interesting and dark story! The only feedback I have so far is that I noticed a couple of small grammatical errors, where you occasionally use a possessive noun instead of a plural noun e.g. and agitated fathers’ too much. doesn't need the apostrophe because it's a plural word and doesn't need to be possessive in that sentence. Other than that, nice work, and I can't wait to see where you take this!