Words You Wouldn't Say - Comments

Max's internal monologue - wanting to go home, drink, watch Netflix is a pretty entertaining start to the story. I wonder what he's so irked about, or if this is just how he usually feels?

"How are you[,] Chester?"
>> So when you have dialogue like this and you're addressing another person, there's always a comma before the name.

The first chapter starts with a lot of tension and you have me asking a good bit of questions. Because you've dropped the reader in media res, you manage to build suspense and curiosity effortlessly.

Ch 2 - "You're not helping me believe you're not the murder[er]," he said.

Their interactions have that ex-awkwardness mixed with a really natural and casual tone; you handle their interactions well.

"I think you may have chosen the wrong woman to impregnate." lol

Okay, so for the last chapter, I've noticed that sometimes you smush your dialogue and descriptions from multiple people into the same line.

So, for instance:

"I think you may have chosen the wrong woman to impregnate." Mike laughed at that.

"I should've learned my lesson, but I thought everything would blow over," he said. "Besides, how shitty would it be to divorce someone after they miscarried?" Max nodded at that and gave a small, "Right." Mike's grip on the wheel loosened as they got farther away from his house.

Mike's descriptions are with Max's dialogue, etc.

It should be broken apart more like:

"I think you may have chosen the wrong woman to impregnate."

Mike laughed at that. "I should've learned my lesson, but I thought it would blow over," he said. "Besides, how shitty would it be to divorce someone after they've miscarried?"

Max nodded and give a small, "Right." [He noticed] Mike's grip on the wheel loosened as they got farther from the house.

Whenever someone new speaks, they get their own paragraph and breaking up their actions makes it clear who is saying and doing what. I also added "he noticed" to keep the POV over Max's shoulder since that is whose dialogue its beside.

Other than that, the dynamics between the characters and the flow of the dialogue are both really great. Your descriptions are sparse, but I like that they don't overpower the story because it's a story more about relationships than overly-flowery prose and it works really well here.

Overall, you have an interesting story started here. Nice job with this!

Starting off the summary with a small part of the story is a very good way to get your readers excited and curious about the story. Strong move!

Starting off the summary with a small part of the story is a very good way to get your readers excited and curious about the story. Strong move!

Oh my gosh, Max is just the best character. Everything he says/thinks is so witty and great. Even the parts when no one's talking, you can just feel the wittiness leaking out. It's awesome. I've only read the first chapter so far, but I really like the mysterious relationship between Mike and Max. You can tell there's a bunch of history there but we aren't sure what it is yet which is really interesting. Max definitely seems like the type of character who is gonna get himself into tons of trouble, I’m excited to see what happens.

Good job!

First of all, I love the summary. I like that we get to see a snippet into the story and get an idea of what it's going to be like. You can tell that the story is going to be mysterious and dramatic from the way that he describes the man so mysteriously and the line "Maybe coming here was a bad idea."

Chapter One

I love how racy the story is right from the start. "He just wanted to get his coffee and go home and curl up in his blankets and browse OkCupid for a date tomorrow. Possibly a blow job? Maybe he should check Tinder instead." I almost died. Just from that line, I am already in love with this story. I can tell that Maxwell is going to be a great narrator with a lot of funny moments. I also love that he is so unintentionally awkward at times, like with Chester. He just wanted to get away but couldn't.

"I could always call security and tell them there's a drunk man walking around outside flashing his dick at houses." Just another reason I love Max. He says the funniest things in the most inappropriate times.

Just from the first chapter, I can tell that this is going to be a great story! Max is an awesome narrator who I can tell is going to get in to a lot of trouble. Keep up the great work!

First, I'd like to say that you've got a lovely story layout. It wasn't too fancy or overpowering, which was really nice. Also, thank you for the little note at the end of the first chapter. I was trying to figure out who the guy was in the banner, and I thought it was Zayn, but at the same time, I wasn't 100% sure. Another thing, your story summary was pretty great as well because I was trying to figure out what Maxwell was going through, which made me want to read the story.

Story wise, you smacked me with this line He swears he heard someone laughing that sounded suspiciously like someone he really didn't care to see, but it wasn't possible because said person couldn't be here, right? and I couldn't help but laugh because it was so on-point. I could relate to that so much. I also liked this line: Maybe coming here was a bad idea. It was short and sweet (okay, maybe not sweet), and it said so much about what Maxwell was feeling. Also, you got me curious about his parents since Mike brought it up to make a point. I liked this line as well: Chester brought Maxwell here to see a man with a child. It really gave me a good idea of the relationship Maxwell and Mike used to have, and I felt like it really said a lot about the residual emotions surrounding that relationship.

Also, is Mike's wife a biatch or what? I can't believe she'd wish murder on someone just because her marriage is falling apart. I've only read the first two chapters, but I like where you're going with this story. Maybe because I was never too heavily into Linkin Park, but you named these different people, and I had no visuals (description wise) for them in the first two chapters. I honestly only know Chester, Mike, and Joe, so the other names were lost on me. Other than that, you've pulled me (a casual listener) in and got me all interested.

Good job!

Ugh I can't keep reading right now. Heh jesus the stress and tension Max is going through is choking me. Good job on making it so palpable.
My anxiety doesn't thank you but I do lol it's interesting so far. I'll come back and read the rest later. THANK YOU!!!

Ugh I can't keep reading right now. Heh jesus the stress and tension Max is going through is choking me. Good job on making it so palpable.
My anxiety doesn't thank you but I do lol it's interesting so far. I'll come back and read the rest later. THANK YOU!!!

I totally didn't notice you had updated.
Eh, please update soon? Its so horrifying with Ryan murdered as well... hey who is killing all of them? If the update takes long with you being busy and stuff, um, can you please tell me? I hate cliffhangers! xD

Anyway, nice, suspenseful update!

I love this update <3 And I have a very very bad feeling about these murders...
Hahaha, Mike is so cute <3 And I love slow romance so enjoy your frustration haha
Also, thanks for your rec on my story! ^_^

I have a real bad feeling about these murders. The murderer will come after Max, right? I know he will!
Waiting for the next chapter! Update soon ^^
And btw, I love Max and Otis scenes <3 So adorable

That was such an awesome update!!
I love Chester in this <3 He's so cute! ^_^
Max is sweet too, especially because he's so good with kids <3 And I'm betting Mike paid his rent! Oh yeah! Updatee sooon!!

How come its over? Why haven't you updated?! UPDATE NOWW!!! xD

I can't believe I didn't come across such an amazing story myself. Goodness, I'm totally rooting for Max and Mike <3 I hope it'll be over with Anna soon. But what broke them apart anyway?
So excited for this! Great job my friend! Update soon!c