June 14th, 2015 at 12:56am
Hey! So for the layout, the first thing I notice is that it's a little wide. I realize that's to fit it to the banner, but some people prefer it to be just a bit narrower, for aesthetic reasons. The other little nit-picky thing is that it's a gray-on-black color scheme for the font and that does make it slightly difficult to read with ease, but I'm surprising not as bothered by this as I am on some other pieces.
From the color scheme, banner, and background though, you can get a good feel for the tone of the story. It's going to be slightly dark, but the images of the girls on the banner (the fact that they're somewhat smiling also says a lot about it).
In the first chapter, it's a very clean writing style. Very direct and dramatic. The use of the ellipses (...) though is quite repetitive, so in the future you might want to diversify your sentence styles to make it flow a little more (a lot of the ellipses can be replaced with commas). One thing I've noticed is that the timing is very jumpy. Who ever wrote the first chapter is speaking in the past, but then jumps to the current, and then right back again, instead of finding a way to integrate it all in one go.
Ex: "Panic and fear… that’s all anyone felt when the outbreak first happened, and now nearly five years later there’s hardly anyone left. Those feelings had quickly evolved into ones of anger and desperation, anger at the army for not doing more to help, desperation to survive alone… to live among the dead.
I remember the first few weeks after the outbreak, I had spent it barricaded in my house with my boyfriend, and his family… but they were all gone now." Again, it's just another way that the writing flows, and by speaking of the past first and then gradually moving to the present, it'll make it a smoother transition. :)
In the second chapter, the thing I see is grammatical and something that so many people don't quite get. Speech tags! When you use a speech tag (I said, she said, he yelled, etc), there needs to be a comma at the end of the actual speech (unless you're replacing it with a question mark or exclamation point). Ex: "Get some sleep." I said. "I'll keep watch." This would be instead, "Get some sleep," I said, "I'll keep watch." The period doesn't come until the character is completely finished speaking.
And then again here, "'No it's okay, I got a few hours in last night.' She said, I tried to think back to last night." This will be: "No, it's okay. I got a few hours in last night," she said. (Period goes there because it's the end of the entire sentence, including the speech. You'll start "I tried" as the beginning of it's own sentence).
As for this: "'We come in peace.' The one with out a weapon said.", it's the same deal. You'll put a comma after "peace" and make "the" lowercase. "'We come in peace,' the one without a weapon said."
Chapter four is where I really start to get into the story. I think it's because they're there and separated and I can see how each character operates. Just be careful when you're describing what she's putting on that it isn't too info-dumpy. It's really hard to describe outfits without sounding like that (I even struggle with it myself), but some rewording can help.
Chapter five: THE ELLIPSES. THE ELLIPSES. THE ELLIPSES. Commas and periods work just as well, even better sometimes! As for the story, I feel like something is coming. The girls keep saying/feeling that something is off and I'm totally waiting for something to happen and it's just ugh. I'm feeling what they're feeling and I don't like it. I really need something to happen soon!
So! I'm not really into the fandom (didn't make it very far into the show before I stopped, much to my older brother's dismay) but I really do like the thought of the Walking Dead world and what you guys are doing in it. I don't know how similar or different this is from the show, but you've got a good story going so far. I'm waiting for something to happen though. #ugh
Anyway, it's mostly just grammatical stuff that needs work here. You guys (luckily for me!!) aren't one of those stories that just drag. I actually really liked reading what you have and found myself trying to flesh out each of the girls. I hope that you go back and edit the stuff I mentioned and you'll have a pretty close-to-flawless story. Grammar wise anyway. :) Sorry this ran so long! Hope to see you continue this!
P.S - I caught that quip about Rick's family! He has one! That girl better stay away! ::rotfl:
Thank you :) We'll go through and see what changes we can make... maybe get it beta'd