May 16th, 2015 at 06:18am
Summary: This is what a summary should be. I like how simple it is. I'm really interested in what this story might have to offer.
Chapter 1: The first paragraph is so good. I love how you start to introduce the characters.
I would have had more notes, but I truly was enjoying what I was reading. I have absolute no clue where the hell it is headed, but I'm excited to find out.
Your flow is perfect, I love your balance of description and dialogue. And the little information you've given us about each of the characters here is great. Not too much, but not too little.
Your beta did a wonderful job helping you, I found zero mistakes.
Chapter 2: Again, the first paragraph is amazing. Even more so than the last chapter. It begs the question, what the hell happened? I also love how she's almost more upset about her jewelry than she is about her situation.
This has to be a trick right? He's the one that kidnapped her. He has to be.
It's a game, right? I'm so lost!
This definitely accredits to your talents as a writer. And again, I didn't see any mistakes. I thoroughly enjoyed reading every inch.
Chapter 3: "hidey-hole of evil-doing." That is such a great line. I love it.
I still don't trust Brent though. I feel like he's a sociopath, psychopath, whatever one means he doesn't feel real emotion, but is amazing at faking it.
Seriously, this story is so amazing/incredible/fantastic.
I can't help but think that Brent is purposefully making the scraping noise. No prisoner would want to make that much noise.
Thank god there's another chapter.
Chapter 4: " In his hand he held a bloodied knife." You've already said this once before, so saying it again is a bit redundant.
"I’ll pin you there like a goddamn butterfly." another great line.
(The lower part of the chapter is completely italicized, I don't think it's intentional, so I thought Id let you know.)
As for this story overall... My god. It's brilliant! It's not something I normally pick out to read, but I was intrigued and still am.
I can't wait to for the rest.
I still don't think Brent and Amber are victims, I think they're just there to keep an eye on Sharon. Well, now it's just Amber.
Seriously, I hope you update soon.
Now, the incident in the second chapter, where she met up with Brent; it threw me for a loop. I was suddenly thinking that I had read that wrong, but no, she was with Amber and Brent. I was sure one of those two would have been the suspect behind all of this, with what you gave during the first chapter. (In hindsight, Daniel really freaked me out to begin with, so maybe that was where I should have started.)
In the fourth chapter, I just couldn't help myself with these lines: The man that stepped through the now clear doorway wore a black robe and an honest to god plastic horse skull. If it weren’t for the fact that the man also held a bloodied knife in his hand, she would have laughed. I myself laughed at the thought of a man in a black cloak and a horse skull. Regardless of my sick humor of this situation, I really love the image here. It was something out of a horror film, that you would laugh about after you had your wits scared out of you.
I also really liked youresofuckedistan. I know that doesn't bode well for my character, but it just had me in stitches. The narration had that shrug-of-the-shoulders-but-you're-in-deep-shit feel to it, that made the horror almost laughable, in a scary as shit way, you know?
There's a lot going for you (especially given the fact that you may be continuing this?). I think the ending on the fifth chapter was a little bit of a loss for the story. I think there was a better way to wrap this up (as a contest entry). I think that's where many people trip up; there's more, but the contest entry is only X chapters long.
But overall, as the five chapters, I really liked it. There are many strong points with your writing (details and a sort of satiric narration) that really had me wanting more. Keep up the great work with this story!