July 24th, 2017 at 07:50am
I really love the voice of your narrator, it's very strong and made the story really enjoyable to read. I like the way Annie thinks, and the rhythm and flow of her narration works really well. She's got a unique voice, and I thought I worked really well for the story.
The character building in general in really great here, there's such a good sense of these two characters being drawn to each other even as they're pushing each other away. (It actually reminds me a little of two friends I had in high school.) I love how Clara is this larger-than-life character.
Going off the above, I really liked the dialogue in the story, it's brilliant. It seems very real and natural, like the way young people at college talk.
I also really enjoyed your descriptions, especially the paragraph beginning with I burn through money like it's going to disappear; I thought the extended metaphor you used there was brilliant.
The way the story is told through brief snapshots is very effective; I really liked the little glimspes into their relationship. I also thought the way it wasn't told chronologically worked great as well.
It's also really nice to see a story about a gay girl; it's always nice to see diversity in stories.
I liked the stream of consciousness type of narration you had in this story. It worked really well with snap-shot type story telling you did, -- we really got to know exactly how Annie was feeling through the whole story and it just felt...natural, I guess. Like you didn't need to add a ton of description because we just knew from the narration how she was feeling.
I also really enjoyed that this story was set in Canada. I know that's sort of a weird thing, but it feels like stories are always set in the US and I can never picture any of the geography because I don't live there, but I almost felt like I could get more invested because I actually understood where the characters were and the significance of the difference.
I was a bit disappointed by the relationship between Annie and Clara. I knew what you were going for, but it felt like a very typical story like for a gay girl fic with it mainly revolving around sex, and I was hoping for something a little different. That being said, I felt like you wrote the story line well, I was just hoping that the plot would sort of develop beyond that.
Thanks for entering!