Sink. - Comments

And I’m finally getting around to handing out the prizes from my June giveaway blog I’m terribly sorry for the delay!

Anyways, as far as first impressions are concerned, I did feel like a got a solid grasp of the tone and what this story was going to be about from the story page, so I definitely applaud you for pulling it all together! This was definitely one of those instances where the banner + layout combo added to the atmosphere of the story, and I feel like your summary gave enough details about the plot and background away while still building up that air of mystery and suspense. I was definitely intrigued to find out more about this world you were building!

Moving onto the actual content of the story, one of the things that really stood out to me the most about this opening chapter was how on-point your characterization was. Even in this relatively brief chapter, I felt like I got a good grasp on who Angel is, and I found her plight to be very relatable. I also really loved the point at which you opened the story, and how you introduced the dynamic between the two sisters, especially with how Ann found her soul mate and Angel resented and rebelled against the concept.

As far as concrit goes, there are quite a good bit of grammatical errors in this, so I would highly suggest getting it beta-read. With the new Editing Hub, it’s pretty easy to find someone who’s more than willing to look over this and point out all the nit-picky things. Once those errors are weeded out and corrected, I feel like it would really give the guts of this story a chance to shine The only other suggestion I have would be to maybe spread out the description a little more instead of telling it in these chunks. Weave it in so that these things are more of a slow reveal to the reader instead of this block of physical characteristics, ya know.

Overall, I did thoroughly enjoy reading this piece. I really loved the concept behind it, and I wish you nothing but the best as you continue to work on it!

Hi!

They always say never judge a book by its cover but it's exactly what I do; except it's with layouts. I love a good layout, for me it represents how the story is presented to you. So I do really love your layout, it's the first thing that drew me in and made me think right off the bat that I could be interested in the story.

Your summary was good. It didn't give to much away but highlighted what you needed to know going into the story. I myself have written a werewolf story and I know how fun it is to write what you envision as what the werewolf would be like.

I didn't have to many problems while reading through. I mean, yes there are errors like missing apostrophes and some spelling errors that kind of had me backtracking. Like an example is the line, "You ate my mate for ever." Obviously, you meant are and forever as one word. It's just little errors that are easy to fix. To fix it, I would just read over your chapter as a whole after writing it because I know I definitely miss things when I'm writing.

I won't point everything out in great detail because it looks like it's been covered. I feel like the soul-mate stories can be cliques on top another. As someone who has had a werewolf story that did involve a soulmate, always try and make it your own. That's the biggest hook for me when reading something. What is going to set your story apart from the rest? So far, it's her wolf despising her mate. Although I do have theories as to why and that's great because it shows that I really like this story so far.

Another thing is that I feel like internally, your characters a little two dimensional. There seems to be some slack into what makes them individual. I feel like I've seen the same type of characters in other stories? There's some depth lacking that can be made up. If you feel like you have some trouble personalizing them, I sometimes add a quality about them that is also true about me like a pet peeve or a phobia and then build off that. I just feel like Angel is someone who is an independent and confident person but the only way I'm seeing it is through descriptive words saying that she is this and that. Just something to think about.

Lastly, I would spend some time adding more details. I always have a tab open when writing to a thesaurus site because I feel like I always use the same words when describing things. And also I know you want her mate to be mysterious, I would though find other things to describe about him besides his eyes. I always imagine like I'm looking at my characters in front of me as if they're real, how would describe them? Sometimes, at least for me, it helps if I had to imagine describing them to someone that was blind. It tricks me into adding more details.

Overall, your story has so much potential! I like what I've read so far and good luck with it!

Your summary was very grabbing. I liked it. The layout doesn’t make it hard to read. There is an error within the first paragraph in the first chapter. You say fourth and it throws the flow off. Then you start talking about the birthday and it’s a separate thought and should be separated from the first sentence with a period and not a semicolon. You’re missing some apostrophes in some of your contractions. Basically, you need to do some more proof-reading and editing before it’s done. Other than that, it seems like a good story! Good job!

First off, your layout is super gorgeous and seems to fit the story well. Your summary was also well done, it grabbed my attention and introduced a mysterious element to your story which I liked. It’s been mentioned before, but a little editing could definitely help you out! It’s mostly things like apostrophes, which are missing from a lot of words. Just little things, you know? I see that you write on your phone, which would definitely make it hard with the autocorrect. Your plot is interesting and it definitely seems like your story is headed in a cool direction. I have a huge love for supernatural type stories. I'm also a huge sucker for detail. so I would love if you added a bit more. Just things like describing the setting and people more, you know? That's kind of a personal thing but I think it would help bring your story to the next level (that was an awkward way to say that but I'm hoping you know what I mean haha).

There’s a some things that I found in the first three chapters. They might be the same as things other people have pointed out, but I figured I’d mention them anyways. Some of this is my opinion, so feel free to take what you want from it:

Summary:
I was born into a world that I sometimes hated, the rituals, the meetings, the war-most of all- who I was and what I was.
Instead of having the dashes around “most of all”, saying “and most of all, who and what I was” might make things flow a bit better.

It was never like this, as a child…
Maybe saying “it wasn’t always like this” would make it a little bit easier to understand what you were trying to say here.

Chapter 1:
Watch your apostrophes. There was a lot of contractions that you forget to add an apostrophe to (didn’t, don’t, etc.). Also, dashes are awesome to use, but make sure you know the differences between them. There’s like, three different types and it’ll make everything a lot easier to follow if you use the correct ones.

My legs dangled over the egde of the balcony railing, about fourth feet above the current meeting being held
The “d” and “g” in “edge” are mixed up and “fourth” should be “four”.

It was easy for my older sister who found her mate at the age of 16, they went to a party together and never left each others side
“Others” should be “other’s”.

Dont get me wrong, he was a cool guy but they were clingy- to clingy
Forgot the apostrophe in “don’t” and “to” should be “too”.

She was a few inches taller then me and had the body of a run way model
“Then” should be “than” and “run way” doesn’t need to be two words.

Chapter 2:
For this chapter, I like that there was more detail than the last, but just be aware of the flow of your words. Sometimes you have sentences that could be reworded to make things flow a little more nicely. Just things like switching the places of words in a sentence, if that makes sense.
my mothers screams echoed for miles as the wolf held her down
“mothers” should be “mother’s”.

His lips curled upwar, his stained red teeth blaring at me.
“Upwar” should be “upward”.

She tense, but continued quickly.
“Tense” should be “tensed”, or “Her muscles tensed”.

It was black, long silk dress.
“It was a black, long silk dress”.

The room was filled with people, wolves, every one was speaking and laughing.
“Every one” should be one word.

My heart rate normal, breathing normal, stopping at the bottom a few males took a look at me but kept moving.
This sentence was awkward. Maybe separating the part after “bottom” into a new sentence would help.

A few couples had joined as well and I could sense my mother sister to the right of me,
I’m thinking “mother” shouldn’t be there.

Soon I traveled to his eye and narrowed my own, silver eyes.
This sentence felt awkward as well.

His hand touched my waiste
“Waiste” should be “waist”.

I like the ending to this chapter, though. I think you ended it in a really good place.

Chapter 3:
My mothers picture in my hand as I stared at it,
Again, “mothers” should be “mother’s”.

Never deny the feeling you get from your wolf, she knows more then you
“Then” should be “than”.

"You look like her, you always had more of her features while I have fathers."
“Fathers” should be “father’s”.

She always became sad with seeing out mothers face.
“Mothers” should be “mother’s”.

she had probably came to see why I wasn't at the feast they were having.
“Came” should be “come”.

It would end bad, a bloody mess.
“Bad” should be “badly”.

And hes a lone wolf, from what I heard his pack was killed off by hunters and he was the last one to survive."
“Hes” should be “he’s”.

She didnt come running after me, she didnt yell for anyone
“Didn’t” should have an apostrophe twice in this sentence.

“cars wizzed by me as if I didnt exsist to them.
“Exsist” should be “exist” and there’s another “didn’t”.

I had 20 minutes to get home and jump in the shower with out being noticed.
“With out” should be one word.

I’m assuming the link is supposed to be a divider, but you forgot one of the brackets.

My feet led me I to the allyway,
I’m thinking the “I” isn’t supposed to be there.

“my hand were balled into fists as I watched him”
“Hand” should be “hands”.

“His smirk didnt falter, he didnt seem to feel I'm danger; but he was. I've killed plenty of vampires, with out my father knowing.
“Didn’t” a couple more times here, “I’m” should be “in” and “with out” is one word.

He placed a can't on his chin as if thinking.
“Can’t” should be “hand”.

I places my phone back into my pocket and darted back to my house
“Places” should be “placed”.

"Angel," my sisters voice snapped me from my trance and I pushed past her to shower.
“Sisters” should be “sister’s”.

I know that seems like a lot, but I always find it easier when people point out things in my writing rather than going back myself and trying to read through and fix things. I really like where the story is going though, you put a bit of a twist on a normal werewolf story which is always nice to see. I like how you made the wolf almost like a subconscious, where the wolf part of them knows more than the human part, I'd never thought about it like that. Good luck writing the rest of this!

@ Death_to_Roses
No worries, I will be getting around to doing that :)

Would it be possible to give her some sort of power? It's highly frustrating to read stories in which the female protagonist's life is controlled by everyone else all the time.

It double posted. I am so sorry.

You do have a pretty good summary. It's mysterious; I hope that's what you're going for.

I see previous suggestions that suggest some editing, and they're right, but something to know is the difference between hyphens, em dashes, and en dashes. I hope that resource helps; look at the examples at the bottom. It explains much better than I could. You do well with semicolons, though, which is something that a lot of writers mess up. (You write on your phone? Wow, that must take a lot of effort. ) I'd just recommend going through it again when and where it's easier to edit.

Chapter two has some pretty good contrasts. It's interesting how white is associated with death (the white dress), whereas black is associated with the living.

One thing I'd recommend is to know about showing vs. telling. Instead of dumping a description of your character(s) into a single paragraph, try spacing it out to make it seem a bit more natural. Instead of I had brown hair, it would be more along the lines of I ran my fingers through my brown hair. That way, the character isn't sitting frozen in time as the reader wades through the description. Occasionally just stating facts is okay; it should be a mix.

I like chapter two more than chapter one; there was a lot more information provided in the narrative. Also, we get to learn more about the main character's backstory. I'm not usually fond of flashbacks, but this one was good in that it was short and sweet; sometimes flashbacks take up entire chapters, which rarely works well.

"You look like her, you always had more of her features while I have fathers." (I'm on chapter 3) I talked about mixing up the description, and this--within the dialogue--is another good way to do it (though that comma could be replaced with a period or semicolon).

So by chapter four it's obvious that she was close to her mother and we learn more about the arrangement and stuff. I would again advise that you go through all of the chapters once more and look for grammatical errors, as well as ways to make the sentences flow a bit better. Keep writing, though! It seems like you've got what's going to happen all planned out.

Summary: I do like your summary as it was able to get me interested in the story. Though, I did notice that you split up the word however in the last little section. Other than that, I didn't see any mistakes.

Chapter One: In the very first sentence, you have an error. Fourth feet should be four feet. Also, soulmate is one word.

Dont get me wrong, he was a cool guy but they were clingy- to clingy.

Don't needs to have an apostrophe (this happened a lot, so I'll only point it out this once). To needs to be changed to too.

They wouldn't have to deal with me anymore, just toss me off to someone else.
There weren't any mistakes in this line, but I really love it. I'm not sure why, but wowie.

You definitely need to go over your chapters and do some editing. The mistakes you make are little, but plentiful. Other than that, I think you've got something really good going.

Keep it up!

I really like this and from what I've read it has a lot of potential, I like Angel's character although she is depressed there's something about her that pulls me in and I really like that... I didn't come across any errors that stopped me reading or had me backtracking on what I had already read, and the flow is good :)

@ PoeticMess.
Thank you, who is Ronnie radke? Lol.

Yeah I know I have a TON of errors, my phone likes to auto correct and spaz out on me while I'm writing. :( but I will do my best to go through it.

Yeah ive read tons of fics where the female just falls head over heels and I didnt want that. I wanted something different. Her and him have a very morbid history but neither of them know it yet.

I would say the wolf is like a subconscious in a way. But at the same time they are one, So there is a reason Why she doesn't like him. Which also makes it easier for her to no drop head of heels for him. But I will throw more of that into there, I actually did a bit In the story. Forshadowing. I think. Or is that the wrong word. Lol.

Hi! So at first I thought I've might of seen this before, but I think that was another story with the same photo and a similar layout! This definitely doesn't sound like I've read it. (The other was a Ronnie Radke fanfiction, I think) :) The layout seems a little busy because of the three different patterns, but it's not overwhelmingly so, so I think that's more a nit-picky thing on my part.

The last line in the summary feels like it gives quite a bit away. I mean, we obviously all know that she's going to find her mate (that's the point of the whole thing, right?) But it also tells her reaction to it and everything. You might wanna rephrase that to keep a bit of mystery in and draw those people into the story to learn her attitude towards it.

Going on!

The word "crap" in the first chapter does throw me off just a bit, because of how it sums everything up and because we're (the readers) just starting to get a feel for the time/era/place due to the mention of the balls and gowns and mates and stuff and crap is just slightly abrupt there. Although you can totally ignore me (that goes for the rest of what I'm writing too).

"This is a secret meeting," My sister whispered into my ear from behind me and I looked over to her, she was the prettier of us two. "My" should be lowercase. It acts as though it's "she said", "she whispered". There's no reason to capitalize it since it's acting to identify who's speaking. :) And "She was the prettier of us two" is it's own sentence as well, so nix the comma and make "She" capital!

At the end of chapter one, I have a pretty good feel for the idea and direction of the story thus far. I really like it and think it's clever. I've seen stuff like this before, but definitely not this direct. I'm getting the impression that she's a wolf as well, even though that hasn't been mentioned and I'm excited to see that come into play. This feels like a werewolf arranged marriage except more cosmic. Very interesting!

Nit-picky stuff from chapter two:
my mothers screams echoed **mother's
mothers screams echoed for miles as the wolf held her down. This is a moment where "echoed" is in past tense and "held" is in present. I think an easier way to make them parallel would be to change "held" to "holds".
my lips when the woman tugged my hair a little to hard. **too hard
A few couples had joined as well and I could sense my mother sister to the right of me, after my mother was killed she had left with her mate This just needs to be reworded, I think. I get the gist of what it's trying to say, but I think it just got garbled.
touched my waiste Waste = garbage, waist = body part! :)

This is the chapter where we really get into the wolf stuff!! I'm really hoping there's some stuff wolf politics/dynamics! It'll be interesting to see how she acts around everyone and I'm hoping that there's a bit of a dichotomy there! SHE FOUND HIM SO FAST. (And the wolf as a separate entity!? I see that a lot in werewolf stories and I never understood how it worked. Is it like a second consciousness?? Maybe a little more explanation in future chapters would be nice!?)

Nit-picky things from chapter three:
sad with seeing out mothers face. sad when seeing our mother's face.
"Did you tell dad?" Did you tell Dad? (capitalized when using it in place of a name. Lowercase when saying something like, "my dad knows yada yada" or "he's a dad".
my Bose scruncthed nose scrunched.

She's not at her own feast?? I find it a little hard to believe that she could've snuck out so easily! But I definitely like that she's running into someone else out there. (I already like him better!) Someone who knows who she is. It would be nice though to have more of an explanation of the type of world they live in. Does everyone know about wolves? Only certain people? He's a vampire, isn't he?

"His voice was smooth, deep, and annoying". I like this. It's just cute. You think she's going to praise him and then she just tacks that on there at the end. It shows how biased she is. I wonder if his face is as cute as his voice seems. :) (I don't think we've learned his name? Maybe I missed it).

I like this. It was a pretty easy story to get into. Just some little editing things need to be fixed up (I would suggest reading back through and editing a bit), but it doesn't hinder the story, really. I like the triangle that's already beginning to form and I can imagine the kind of world it is. To me, it seems dark and dreary, like there's no sun at all. Perhaps that's because of how depressed Angel is, but it's a nice, morbid picture.

I like that spark in Angel too. The one that allows her to resist him. I hope we see more of that in the future. :) Definitely going to subscribe. I'm interested to see where you take this! P.S - sorry this is so long!