On Fire - Comments

There's a lot of interesting stuff going on here - the inseparable twins, the psycho girlfriend, the reluctant boyfriend - but it's so rushed, I didn't really get to take it all in. I think a lot happened in a short amount of time and, possibly, it could have been a little more effective if I had a chance to see the story develop and get to the know the characters a little more.

One thing I really liked was the narration. I thought it was just casual enough. It seemed kind of like a diary entry or just like your average teenage boy retelling a story.

The only thing I didn't like was probably the layout. For me, the colors were too harsh and too contrasting. I ended up using the default layout instead.

So, all in all, I think this could make a great chaptered fic. The ending would be really tragic (and make me feel a lot more), if I were able to get attached to and really feel for the characters.

This was haunting, to say the least. To take revenge on the girls for something so petty as taking a part in a play is pretty insane, but for some people, it's the kind of revenge that will suite them, such as the crazy girlfriend. I did feel that the relationship between James and Jenna was a little out there -- meaning that it just appeared without any warning. I mean, their relationship was nice, but maybe there could have been more information about their relationship; how the two met, did they spend any time together in the past, how long has he had a crush on Jenna, stuff like that.

I did like the beginning; James mentioned the two girls and how she needs to pay without saying what happened and who needed to pay, and then the story was told. The story itself was set up perfectly, and it almost felt as though he was telling someone the story, the police, a therapist, a friend, or just some stranger, someone.

I really enjoyed reading it since it seemed to get crazier and crazier as the girl enacted her revenge in the craziest way possible. I think you did a wonderful job with this!

I think this story has a lot of potential, but a lot about it just seemed off to me. The voice was unique in a good way, but the dialogue seemed fake and forced, and there was a lot of telling rather than showing. Also, the relationship between James and Jenna, while a nice plot twist, seemed forced as well and not genuine or developed. It seems they'd never even spoken before, only perhaps checked each other out a few times, then suddenly they were professing their undying love for one another. Christina's characters seemed forced, too, and things didn't line up like she obviously had a plan but then made it sound like she'd just snapped and killed two people and burned her own party down because her boyfriend looked at another girl's breasts. While it is said she held a long grudge, it seemed odd to me that if she'd hold that grudge for so long over one thing that she didn't have worse grudges against anyone else, and it seemed to escalate rather quickly, which isn't necessarily a bad thing it just seemed, again, forced to me. We also didn't hear much about Olivia at all.

However, like I said, I see a lot of potential here. All of the characters seem to have good bases, just not much else on top of that, which I suppose is to be expected from a one shot so it might not be a fair assessment. The plot is great, too, a nice seed. I think with some editing it could be pretty good. It might be better as a longer story, though, I think. Maybe start the story earlier on, and spend a while developing all of the characters and relationships, hinting at what's to come but not making it obvious enough that anyone could have stopped Christina, stuff like that, then bring everything to a climax with the fire.

Overall, it's a good premise with a lot of potential.

This has such a great plot. Gosh, when James and Jenna connect at the end is great. Incredibly haunting.