Daytime Enemies and Nighttime Lovers - Comments

The Long Summary

The long summary scared me a bit. I immediately thought of your average love/hate relationship fic and I hoped this wouldn't feel like something I've read a million times before.

Chapter 1

Personally, I was put off by the main character (and Matt too) just from the first chapter and how she viewed/talked about their affair. I don't know if this was the intention, but the way she describes her 5-year affair with the band-mate of her boyfriend, makes her comes off as callous to me. She seems very flippant about it and like she enjoys being this person (who cheats on her boyfriend with his friend/bandmate), and Matt also seems like he enjoys that too.

I think with a story like this, especially at the start, it's important to make the readers connect with the main characters some way (maybe even to feel sympathetic towards them or at least to somewhat like them) and I feel like that's not happening here. Without that, I didn't really feel compelled to keep reading - because I already had such a strong negative reaction to the narrator.

Aside from that, and I think it's been mentioned before, I feel like a lot of information about Matt and Jessalyn's past was kind of crammed into a small space where it didn't really fit (or maybe, it wasn't necessary just yet). Maybe instead of giving the audiences this quick glimpse into their past at the start, you could work it in throughout the story. I think if we can learn more about Jessalyn and Matt as the story progresses, it might make their affair more realistic and give us a reason to root for them.

And finally, I felt like their banter in this chapter seemed a little childish and not really fitting. Like I get that sometimes when you're around people you've grown up with, you tend to revert back to old behaviors, but...even then, how they fought with each other seems a little young.

Chapter 2

Going into chapter two, I feel like you keep giving us reason to dislike Jessalyn and Matt. So far, they aren't really showing any redeeming qualities, and in a story like this, that's a bit worrying. I haven't found a reason to be invested in this story yet.

Also, from how Jessalyn and Matt are behaving, I find it hard to believe they could have pulled this affair off for five years without getting caught. They're reckless with their affection and with people living in such close quarters, I can't think of any reason why they wouldn't have been found out by now. It pulls away from the story a lot, because it's not really believable.

Chapter 3

After reading chapter 3, I really wonder why Matt and Jessalyn are with Brian and Valery. It doesn't really seem like they care about either person at all and...I don't know. I don't really see what's holding them there. I think it would be good for the story if you maybe put in a scene or two that kind of approaches Matt and Jessalyn's other relationships. It might help make the dynamics a little clearer to the audience and it might help explain the characters' actions a little.

Overall

Overall, I think this could be a good story if you just work a little on developing the characters and how the plot progresses. I'd like to know more about Matt and Valery's relationship and Jessalyn and Brian's relationship, just to get some perspective on why Matt and Jessalyn are so flippant about their affair together. And I'd really like to see something about/within Matt and Jessalyn that will allow me to really care about them as people or care about how their relationship works out.

Layout

It might be my computer, but your layout isn't showing up properly. This is what it looks like: image. I think you have your banner set to move along with the page, but when it does that, it gets obscured by the page's content.

Keep in mind, I don't usually critique fan-fiction.

Summary: It could have used a little more detail, but I wouldn't spend too much time on it.

Hook: Pretty good hook. You dive right into some action rather than a description, which is good.

Plot: Pretty simplistic, as others have stated. But it's a love story, so I guess that's expected.

Grammar/Spelling/Typos: I didn't notice any.

Formatting: Easy to read, although the layout picture is hard to see. But that just might be my laptop.

Overall, it looks good except you might want to do something to zazz up the plot a little. I would say a murder or something, but that's also kinda overused. So is cheating. Maybe some other betrayal or secret. BUT...it's your story.

Good work! I'll stop rambling now.

The premise is a little boring, but the style is pretty good. Fairly polished, though it's really hard to understand why your main character is even with Brian, if she finds him so boring. I'd love to see more of what motivates these characters.

Hey, there!

I haven't read a lot of Avenged Sevenfold fanfics lately so bear with me.

I don't see any major grammatical and spelling errors in this story. It's good because it makes the story so much easier to read. And the layout is simple and readable too. That's a plus to you.

The plot, however, is overused. I'm a firm believer that a cliche plot can be amazing if it's delivered perfectly. There are some parts in this story where I find it too rushed. For example, in the first chapter, it seems like you're rushing their 22 years of friendship in just a few paragraphs. It won't hurt to add a bit more details and descriptions. I also agree with Michael Westen about the inconsistency in characterization.

However, it's only the third chapter and there are always rooms for improvement. I wish you luck with this story and never stop writing! This story here has potential, it just needs a solid flow so it doesn't seem too cluttered and inconsistent.

Good luck!

So, I have many thoughts on this, and they're all pretty scattered so bare with me.

I think that what you have is fine. It's not something I'm too fond of reading though. There was one point in the last chapter where Jess was saying how both Matt and her loved each other but in the next little bit she was questioning their entire arrangement.

The whole cheating thing is also very... it's done well enough, I just think that it's not well panned out. And by that I mean it just seems as though you threw together the plot and you're rushing to get to where they're found out or they break up with their partners on their own.

I didn't really see any issues with grammar or spelling, so that was a huge plus.

Also, near the end of the chapter you have it so she's saying that she's falling for Matt big time, yet at the end of the chapter, two paragraphs later, she's not even thinking about him. It might just be her as a person(character) but I just don't believe that she'd just stop thinking about him so quick. Especially because she had been feeling guilty for her actions earlier.

I wish you luck with the rest of the story.

I like it! Can't wait to read more and see where it goes!!