August 6th, 2015 at 08:56pm
I thought this was a really cute idea. Most people seemed to go for the big "good deeds" but you focused on the little ones that no one really notices and I thought that was a really sweet way to look at the prompt. I also like that you showed that people don’t have to be rich in the way that society sees to feel like they’re rich.
I think the straightforward description worked well for the story, but it ended up causing you to use a lot of short sentences which made the story a bit choppy. Varying the sentence length in some places would fix that up though.
Also, I just wanted to point out this sentence:
I don’t have a very exciting life, it is kind of boring.
It was kind of redundant to say he didn't have an exciting life and that it was boring. I don't think I really would have noticed except it's the first sentence in the story.
But yes, great job, I really liked where you went with this!
The first thing that struck me about this piece was the beautiful first paragraph. I agree with losing control. when it comes to the wording of the first sentence, but after that it is just beautiful. You describe this monotone, cookie-cutter lifestyle that I think everyone has experienced at some point in their loves and it's just so simplistic and real.
What I love the most about this piece, though, is the moral behind it and the fact that you don't really reveal it until the last part of this. It's such a good idea -- the fact is that the little things can definitely be more impactful than grandiose gestures and the fact that you have these making the narrator feel like he's done more than he could ever do when it comes to money and travel is a really lovely touch. It really does leave you feeling warm inside and wanting to help others.
Overall, this is a lovely little piece! I really enjoyed reading it, and the moral comes across very strong. Awesome job!