Aria: The Dark Flower - Comments

I love dark stories and from the little bit we have I get the feeling that this will continue down the dark route. Also I agree with the comment below, "underground" and the snippet we have of a girl having been kidnapped and brought to Elliot and of him reprimanded Ilir about using his name in the club really makes me think that this is about gangs and the mafia - or at least your own take on them. And I like that!

‘’When we’re inside the club, I’m your boss and you better remember that.’’ I yelled at him, reminding him who was the boss - I want to bring up two things. First is that the full stop should be changed to a comma as you have a tag following the speech, you also make that mistake in the dialogue above this in the chapter. The second thing is that the narrative that you've put after the speech tag is basically the exact same thing you've had him say which makes it pretty redundant. I'd suggest removing that narrative so that the speech has its own impact.

We were best friends since - this should be had been.

I also agree with the comment below that the description of Aria's body is a bit excessive considering you mention that she has a nice figure but then continue with the "not too this, not too that" explanation. I'd suggest combining that sentence and the one directly following, to make something along the lines of this - She had a nice figure with beautiful curves that made her seem older than she was.

I'm intrigued about why he wants her and had to kidnap her in order to get her. We've only met Aria unconscious so we don't have much to go on with her, but I can only imagine her reaction when she wakes. I'm definitely interested in what's to come, if you ever get round to continuing this!

This is a really interesting start the the story. It has a very mafia feel to me, but that's probably because my mind associates "underground" things with the mafia Since the first chapter is so short it's hard to see where exactly the story will be going, but I think it'll be interesting whichever way you end up going with it.

I think you should keep the entire story through Elliot's point of view. I always really enjoy having a male narrator for a story, and I think in this particular story it'd interesting to see what he's thinking while he's dealing with Aria instead of having her tell what she's thinking, if that makes sense.

One thing I'd say to watch out for is redundancies. I especially noticed it in this part:
She had a nice figure; not fat and not that slim, not tall but not too short. She had beautiful curves
It seemed like you used a whole lot of words to explain the same thing.

Other than that, this seems well written and I'm interested to see what happens with Aria

Double post. Sorry.

Thank you for sharing this story with me! The first chapter is very short, but I think that actually works out really well for the context. It leaves it off so that it makes you want to know what happens next. And makes you have questions about the narrator/boss and this Aria girl. The subject matter had me a little nervous, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle (so far). The grammar and style flow very nicely and it was a great start to a story. Keep up the good work! :)

please update soon

please update soon

please update