January 8th, 2016 at 03:05pm
Chapter One
Ohh, sci-fi. I love how you've given us history to the world you've created already. It gives me and general idea of the setting. I like where you're going with the prompt already, it's different from how I imagine other people would do it. It's a good twist - you've taken a normal relationship, but changed the setting around it to make it abnormal, or, unconventional. It's different, I like it.
'On a female's twenty fifth birthday'. I think the use of 'female' here is a little awkward for reading, so I'd suggest maybe replacing it with 'woman' instead, unless of course the use of 'female' was the emphasise the lack of autonomy women have in this world. If that is the case, then I think it's a nice touch. It's subtle things like this that show us the ideology and the mindset of the world you've created for this one-shot.
I like that this doesn't only focus on the romance ideology of the world. Instead, you see the treatment when it comes to illness as well, which gives the world and setting a little more depth. It's a nice touch. Plus, the story intrigued me even more when Ajax said his father had the 'sickness'.
'there are thinking from banishing him from the village'. Just a small mistake here, but I believe there should be they instead
Aww, he had the leave. I like that this shows the council is not only unfair and unjust when it comes to love, they are unfair and unjust in various other ways, too. It gives me the idea of this corrupt sci-fi government. It makes me feel even more apologetic towards the main characters who have to live through this things - Ajax with his father, and Bryn with Ajax himself.
I think making the time skip a little more clear would be beneficial, as it was very sudden. Just adding a page divider would suffice!
'his warmth a huge relief against the icy chill of night'. I really liked this line! It actually made me feel a little warm inside myself. You can really see the love held between the two of them in their actions alone. I love that despite how little they say, you can still see that they do have a very strong connection as you told us at the start of the one shot and in the summary.
Aww, this really sweet. I'm really glad they ended up together in the end! I was rooting for them, since I wanted to believe their love was real and you showed me it really was! 'but they at least had each other for support.' I think taking out the 'for support' part at the end would make the last line really impactful! I think the 'for support' just makes it a little more awkward, that's all.
Overall / Extras
I really like the layout. The background certainly gives me a big sci-fi vibe. I also really like that you did something different with the prompt, instead of going down the cliche route. AND I also like that you gave it a happen ending, showing us that even unconventional things and people can have happy endings as well. All I'd suggest overall is perhaps adding more descriptions of the characters and the place around them to make it more engaging, but otherwise this was a good one shot! Good luck for the contest
Thank you :)