Numbers - Comments

The first death was so normal, as if we could hear about her death-but-not-death in the newspaper, but then the second reminds me of one of those '1000 Ways to Die' entries because it's just so stupid - but I love it. An air conditioner. What a way to waste a life.

I love how this doesn't seem simply confined to her. That there's more people like her out there and she managed to connect with Arthur (whose death I'm not over - I may not have known him as long as her, but it just came out of nowhere and I was kind of rooting for the two of them to form a team or something). Not to mention the backstory he says - and jeez, their final death sounds so cruel. She's already going to feel the impact of a bus and an air conditioner, what else must she suffer?

I read this before you updated the ending but didn't comment, but I like how you added that interaction with death. It reminds me of the scene from Deathly Hallows, with the brother with the invisibility cloak who greeted Death like an old friend. I really do like that touch.

This is the third story I've read with this prompt and I love how creative everyone's getting with the origin of the marks and what it can do. I think Death just being a brat is just as good as any. I really like that once a person 'dies' the first time, that seems to get the ball rolling and Death just keeps trying to kill them. So even though Claire has 1000 lives, and that should last her a good long while, that might not actually be the case. This kind of reminds me of the Final Destination films, where the characters cheat Death but that makes just makes it try harder.

I think it's interesting that Claire decided to upend her life now that she has this new knowledge of her birthmark. I think for some people, if they found out they had nearly a thousand lives to live, they might actually slow down a bit (they seemingly got nothing but time!), but she decides to live more. I think that says a lot about her and what plans she might have.

Oh my goodness. That's what I have to say to this one-shot. The concept is amazing. And it started out with straight up action; she got hit, and then she came back with a horror scene in front of her until she was taken into the hospital. Gosh. It was a wonderful way to begin this one-shot.

Quote

Then it happened again.

And it's only beginning! I really liked this line because I feel that she can't believe that it happened, that she lived, until it happened again.

A game? I love it. I also like how he was born with a different number than her. And, from what I understand, is that when they hit zero, all those injuries come back. It's like they die in the worst way, with the worst pain of their life. That's awful. The Devil is cruel, that's for sure.

Is her birthmark on her shoulder or on her arm? In one part, it was on her arm, and then when she was meeting Arthur, she said it was on her shoulder. I was just wondering.

I'm wondering who the other people are in the world with the birthmark. I'm sure that they can't be the only ones out there. Maybe there are others but they haven't died yet. I don't know. It just sucks what happened to Arthur. I wasn't ready for him to die yet. But, he did have one life left. Anyway, anyway, I really, really liked this. I loved the ending because instead of being afraid of death and dying so many times, she decided to just live her life to the fullest, and if she dies, then she will know that she had an awesome life.

Oo, interesting.

I like that you decided to make the number thing a game that Death though up, and that she wasn't the only one who was "cursed" with a number. It was also cool that the birthmark didn't really look like anything until she was not in a relaxed state of mind. Stress does all sorts of crazy things and I enjoyed that her seeing the number was one of them.

I kinda wish we had gotten a little bit more backstory with the fact that there were others with the same number situation as her, but I mean, we got to see Arthur a bit which was cool. It'd be cool to see where she ended up going and what she did after she took off in the plane. She seems like she's end up doing some really badass stuff.

Like others have said, there are some grammar/punctuation things going on, so have a look over the chapter again.

But yes, great job! I really enjoyed your take on the prompt.

i love that you basically start out with action. that's a surefire way to get me hooked. i can only imagine how i'd feel if a bus was rushing towards me. i'd probably freeze right up in horror, even if i did have a second or two to get running.

that's actually really interesting and original, the fact that the birthmark really only looks like anything when they're not in a relaxed state. it only seems to change in times of stress (which, i think, is pretty true for a number of things, and a birthmark certainly wouldn't be out of the ordinary).

AN AIR CONDITIONER OH MY GOD. that may very well be worse than the bus, good lordy.

i love that she gets a mentor of sorts, even if he's only around for a bit. it's a support system, no matter how small, for her, someone to make her feel a little calmer about it all instead of letting her run around like a chicken with her head chopped off for a good majority of it all. bless arthur. AND HE ONLY HAS ONE LEFT GHRUHGIR. we just met him moments ago and i'm already feeling some type of way about his sole life left. he's as mortal as the rest of us. i think that may be why i related to him so quickly; he's not super and mythical anymore. he's got one life. he's like us.

the injuries all coming back at once on the final death is downright terrifying and i for one am not here to play those games SEE YA DEATH. makes sense that death would try and play everything like a game; definitely the asshole type.

"I wasn't going to sit around and wait for death to play his game with me. I was going to go out and start it myself." YES CLAIRE. i like that she doesn't just decide to laze about and whine woe is me, i've got a mad amount of lives and i'm gonna let death suck them all away. :-( take action, girl!

at this point, i don't really wanna repeat what the other lovelies have said about a quick check-over of spacing or grammar and such, so i'm just gonna wrap it up here and say you did a wonderful job, because that you did.

First off, the idea behind the numbers was very intriguing. The thought that death is toying with people by making them suffer death after death is different. It left a few questions lingering though. Like do they feel any pain when the death event occurs? Or is all the pain complied into their finally death?

My first thought when Arthur was introduced was love interest. I'm glad I was wrong. Most stories go that way. Two characters that have a problem come together because said problem. It was refreshing that he was just another detail. Given an important one.

Maybe a little more detail or reread once or twice to fine tune the structure and driving force of the story and plot. Other than that i's quite promising.

There are parts where some words are missing, some are misspelled, and the sentence structure left me wanting more. The part's that I, did, like, however, are where you expanded it to where Claire wasn't the only one with the birthmark of numbers and where you made his a completely different number to hers as well as making them be forced into a game with Death.

Death needs entertainment too, so, I liked how you made it to where she started the idea of the game, but, ultimately, made Claire want to start playing the game the way she wanted it to be played which is a plus on my part. I just wished I could have gleamed a hint of what will be happening with her game in the long run, but, I liked the idea of the story a lot.

I like the fact that you didn't keep the story to just the main character having the birthmark, I think that adds to the story as a whole and opens up whole bunch of questions as a reader. How many others are out there with the birthmarks? What numbers they received?

The flow is good, although the short sentences make it a little choppy at times but apart from that this was a good take on the prompt :)

I do like your summary. You took this line into a whole nice perspective with the idea of having more than one person having the eccentric birthmark. What if there were others like you. THIS HITS THE GOLD.

I like the flow you created. Your descriptions were simple and clean. The wording and stuctures of your sentences maybe could be edited? I struggle with this issue myself, so it could be a hard thing to catch. I spotted a couple wordy sentences. Ex: As I sat there in my hospital room the entire accident running through my mind I traced the birthmark that was splashed across my shoulder. -> I think this could be simpler to create a stronger thought for your main character.

I like how Arthur was there to explain the entire number thing to her rather than her just going crazy for it. Arthur Cantwell just died as we literally just met him!?!?!?!??!! I felt like, in a way, you've written about him to have more of a impact to Claire and to us readers.

Like what many below said, just a quick scan of your spacing and this should be good. Overall, I did enjoy what you've written. I, however, wish this was a full length story.

I really like that underneath the story of the birthmark and the lives, there's this story that's just about a lonely girl who learns that actually, she might not be alone. I like to imagine that she continued to find other people with the birthmarks, and have awesome adventures with them. Although, that might be wishful thinking.

Con crit wise, there's a couple of paragraphs that need spacing ("The sound of metal..." "As I sat there..." "Later that night"). Also, the short, choppy sentences work in getting the reader into the head of the character, but they make for quite a quick pace all the way through that I think could be slowed down in places.

It's actually really sad when Arthur dies. She starts the story off by herself and then she finds someone who has the same ability as her and then he dies. Uh. That's why I need to believe she has a great with her other hundreds upon hundreds of lives.

I really liked your history/explanation of the birthmark, and how she's not the only one who has one and everyone has different numbers. I thought that was a cool, creative take on the prompt idea. It's so brutal that all their cheated deaths are going to catch up with them when they hit 0.

There were a couple of small spelling and grammatical errors but nothing major and it didn't interrupt the flow of the story. Maybe just give it a quick edit and it'll be solid. Overall though I definitely enjoyed this story and found it very unique.

I really like the fact that you had a backstory for the birthmark number. It was really interesting. And I liked the ending, how she was not going to let it control her life.

I also like that she isn't the only one. It's a really interesting concept.

You did a really good job aside from a few spelling errors. Also a few paragraphs weren't spaced apart. But other than that, you did really well and I enjoyed this!

There's a lot of telling rather than showing to this. I definitely like where your heads at though. I like that she's not the only one with this 'gift' or 'curse'. I also like that the other one who has it doesn't have the exact same number as her. So is it like death seeking them out and just throwing all these accidents at them? Or is it that they're able to live out their life as normal and if something happens okay cool? There's some spelling/grammar errors littered through this so you might want to go through and fix those. But other words nicely done. Very interesting take on the prompt.

I loved the dialogue in this story and where you decided to take this prompt. However, I don't feel the summary really correlates entirely with the actual plot. I totally understood where it was going, yet I feel like there was a disconnect somewhere along the way. Despite that, when I reached halfway through the story, I was really interested and captivated by Arthur's explanations. Tbh I'm pretty disappointed that there isn't a second part lol. I like the way this is written and how descriptive it is. I appreciate descriptive writers. There were a few minor punctuation/grammar errors in the mix, but overall, I enjoyed this.

The summary is interesting in that it's a series of questions, but it doesn't rope me in as well as maybe a quote or a description of the story behind it. But it is an interesting way of pulling the reader in.

There are quite a few punctuation errors that I'm noticing that, for me at least, are just a slight bit distracting from the story. A big one is "The driver had obviously lost control of it[either put in a period or a semi-colon] the tires.... It makes the sentence very hard to read without separating it somehow. Overall, remember that commas signify a pause in the thinking or speaking. Anywhere a pause feels natural, put a comma or a semi-colon if the statement after can be a stand-alone thought.

The bus exploding seems a bit unrealistic just because it's not described (other than 'barreling) how fast the vehicle is going. Just because it tipped onto its side, doesn't mean it's going to explode.

I do enjoy the look into her shocked mind as she's in the hospital, though. It's insightful and does help give a good description of her character. She seems young, curious, naive, but at the same time, she's able to piece abstract concepts together well.

Another thing I like is your take on the power -- it doesn't harm your MC at all and instead destroys the thing that threatens to take her life. It's different, but I like it.

Small note, if you are saying the character is mouthing something out loud, it might help to put the thing they are mouthing in quotes. It helps separate from the next thought.

A few questions regarding the introduction of Arthur: does she have international calling? If not, who paid for it/how did she get away with it without telling anyone why she was calling the UK or Canada? Where did they meet? Did Arthur just drop everything to go down to the US or is your MC in Canada? Just a little more detail on this section would make it a lot more believable to the reader.

I enjoy your lore on the numbers and that Death is the one behind it. It honestly does seem like a game he would play with the human race. And I like that every 'chosen' has a different start number. Is it just random or is there a reason behind each chosen number? How does Arthur know all this though? Has he come across more 'chosen' or has he spoken with Death himself?

The ending did seem kind of vague. I would really have liked to have seen Claire's reaction to hearing Arthur died. Was that the reason she went off to travel? Or had she made that decision before Arthur passed?

It's an interesting concept that the lives are games to Death and that Claire is choosing to make it so for herself as well. It shows a competitive personality, but my question is, with the vagueness of the ending, what does she hope to accomplish by viewing the lives as a game herself?

Overall critiques, just keep in mind what I already mentioned (and what a couple others have mentioned) about punctuation and grammar. It flows decently, but some more commas or semi-colons or sentence break-up would help it that much more. Make sure with names or proper nouns like you were making Death, keep it consistent. Don't waffle back and forth on not capitalizing the 'D'.

The story itself is a great concept, and I can see a lot of potential with continuing it and exploring that lore more. Good job.

It's cool how you describe the birthmark: "To most it looked like a shapeless blob just like any other one. And normally to me it looks like that too. On occasion however when I'm stressed or exhausted it seems to become a series of numbers." The idea that it transforms for her makes it seem really different and special.

The detail that occurs almost right after, with the line: "In fact the air conditioner was the thing that seemed to take the most damage" is also great and kind of funny. You have some really cool details like that sprinkled throughout.

I did notice that your sentences are a tad bit choppy - I tend to write like that, too. When you read through it, you can try connecting some of the sentences to make the story flow a little better. For instance - "It was after school and I was heading to the library like I always did, and not having many friends meant that I was alone as I walked."

The only grammatical/punctuation things I noticed was the slight lack of commas. If you read through it aloud and pause anywhere, it needs a comma. Easy fix.

Also, a dialogue note:

"You must be Claire[,]" he said[,] his voice rich...
>> When you have a dialogue tag (he said, she said, they said), the quote usually ends with a comma (unless it's a question). And the tag itself should be lowercase. Again, easy fixes.

The introduction of Arthur is really cool - I like that they have the same mark and that for once Claire has a friend. This also gives her some growth as a character -- after she learns about this myth (which I'll talk about in a second), she's propelled to go forth and live her life fearlessly, which helps burst her from the "shy" personality she seems to have had when the story started.

Also - the backstory that Arthur supplies is very engaging. It helps put everything in a larger context, and I think you could really turn this into something longer (I can already picture a confrontation with this Devil character, too).

I think this is a really cool start or one-shot. Like I pointed out, there are only a few things that need touching up, but otherwise, nice job!!

I really like how you jumped right in with the action. I would have liked a little more detailing about what your character saw right after the impact; use the five senses. I didn't feel like I was actually in the story, you know?

I feel like the character noticing the numbers changing for the first time would've had a bigger impact, but I can understand why they would just kind of blow it off. After being the lone survivor of something like that, I might've done the same thing, heh.

I like how your character isn't the only one the has the numbers, I feel like it would make the fact bearable if they have someone else that understands what it's like.

Ah, well, Claire can have someone by her side for a little while. It's kind of saddening to see that Arthur is at his last number.

I absolutely love the legend that you gave! The fact that the Devil wanted to start a game with the mortals is amazing and completely brilliant because it's definitely something the Devil would do.

I wonder if Arthur actually died or if he committed suicide. He didn't seem scared that he was at his last number, I got the feeling that he was kind of relieved.

I really love the last few sentences you used! They made such an impact on the entirety of the story and me as a reader.

This story flows really well, however I did notice various spelling and grammar mistakes throughout it. It didn't necessarily distract me from the story, but they are there. All-in-all, I really enjoyed this. Well done!