Daemon Academy - Comments

I’m not going to lie to you, I had a really hard time getting into this for a few reasons.

I think you guys had a good concept, I was intrigued by it, but it lacked deep execution and often left me confused. All your details felt haphazardly pieced together and rushed through, like reading a really rough draft rather than a polished or at least, edited version. Like others said, this story and supernatural elements aren’t all that fleshed out. Your spelling and grammatical errors were extremely distracting, as well. It would probably help and clean things up if you had a third party to help you edit because I don’t feel like your chapters were edited at all—which is fine, we often are not the best editors of our own content, but it’s very addling for the reader to deal with a surplus of errors.

Then, on top of this, I felt like the entire story was implemented too shallowly for something intended to be complex. This definitely stemmed from it feeling like you were trying to hurry to the ‘good bits’, but I could also tell that you intended for this world and all the demon constituents to be more complex than it actually came off. I think the concept is multifaceted actually—with the whole demons and variety of magical powers, Pandora being an extremely powerful demon, a boarding school of the sorts to help demons, but you simplified it. Your execution made it shallow and not at all immersing, which was disappointing because I was intrigued by the idea.

One of my biggest problems, like the absolute biggest, was your hook. Or rather, what should have been your hook.

Chapter one was essentially just one big info dump, which didn’t exactly reel me in. This is the chapter that’s supposed to hook me and keep me, but I didn’t feel any real impulse to keep reading after chapter one. Like Mr. Darcy said, you basically recapped all the important parts of Pandora’s life in a little over two thousand words, right out of the gate. You crammed so much information into the first chapter that it felt rushed, it was confusing and to be honest, I was both overwhelmed and very put off. I wasn’t at all familiar with the world I was thrown in, but I was expected to sympathize and empathize with characters that I had no attachment to whatsoever. Six chapters later and I still don’t. I couldn’t care less about Pandora and Adrian when I feel like you want me to. I am sorry about Pandora’s mother and that she’s being hunted practically, but that’s just because it’s a crappy situation. Not because I’m emotionally connected to Pandora in any sense of the word. Additionally, the way you’re both writing everything is monotonous so that didn’t help either. You’re writing in first person, which should be the easiest to emotionally connect to for a reader, but your short and blunt sentences and lack of detail made it hard to relate.

At times, everything read like a textbook—this happened especially when Pandora was meeting Amara and Alex. It even felt that way during the entire scene where Pandora was repeating back the Lilith and Orion story. Nothing about these descriptions felt natural. Then adding to the textbook feeling, I read this all in one sitting practically and I still had to go back and skim previous chapters because Pandora or Adrian would say something that I didn’t understand. I felt the need to go back and look because I couldn’t remember whether or not it had been covered already or it was some new element being introduced. I was so overwhelmed with information from all over the place that I couldn’t keep anything straight, and there’s only nine thousand words right now. I definitely shouldn’t have been this confused, but I was. It took a lot of enjoyment out of reading because I felt like I should have been taking notes to study for a test.

I did like Pandora and Adrian’s history and dynamic though. I’m a sucker for the “bound together, much to our chagrin” trope—though you did go about it in a more unique fashion, having there be a reluctant ‘distrust’ and hesitance rather than reluctant love; and having Adrian be more of a guardian than actual romantic soulmate so it led to some strange feelings on Pandora’s end. I think there possibly should have been some more turmoil between the two since Adrian left and Pandora is obviously upset about it still, but I can also understand how easy it would be for her to fall back into that trust and love. Though, I’m under the impression that Adrian is doing some shifty stuff around campus and I’m not really feeling Blake, Mr. Cocky-in-More-Ways-Than-One. Like excuse you, sit down?

Even with all that said, I really do think you have something interesting and promising. You have a good core, a very solid skeleton, so to speak. With a little more TLC and editing, I think this could be something fantastic. You should definitely work to flesh this out more and really help it blossom because it has tons of potential.

I forgot to mention that I can't wait for you to update.

Honestly, I don't know where to start. I absolutely love this. You've worked hard both of you and it shows. From the layout to your writing: everything is great.

I really love Adrian but Blake makes me wonder what's he gonna do with Pandora. I'd love to see more about the two of them and maybe a bit more about Pandora's powers.

I have to admit, the first chapter did not do a very good job at drawing me in. It jumped all over the place, felt as if you were trying to cram as much in as possible, and the whole scene just felt forced in my opinion. I mean, just in the first chapter you've mentioned: her reoccurring nightmares, her mother was murdered when she was thirteen, how she was murdered, Pandora being a Tempestras and having inherited a power to control other demons, that she's on the run, she has a fiance, said fiance left her, that her parents broke tradition when it came to her being promised to Adrian, that he's her guardian (?) as well which means he'll do whatever it takes to protect her (except for changing her very distinguishable first name) and that he's making her go to a special academy. The chapter's just over two thousand words and it's got all that crammed into it, and some of it just isn't necessary. It's like you wanted to allude to all these things without actually realising that you don't have to tell everything right off the bat, and not only that but you also included most of it in the narrative and wrote in first person, which makes it seem as if Pandora's recapped pretty much the important parts of her life in the space of about half an hour.

Don't get me wrong, I love supernatural stories and those that deal with fantasy aspects as well, but I find that they required the most nurturing because most of the time it's either a new world being used or new aspects of our already established world coming into play. I think you guys would benefit from establishing Pandora's background in private, the reasons behind her actions, how much you should tell the reader at certain times and then have started writing.

I honestly could not enjoy this because it felt so rushed and I need to be able to familiarise myself in a fantasy world before I can even remotely care about the characters.

I do enjoy the concept behind this story. I feel like no matter how many times it's done, every single person (or people in this case) brings a different element of their own personality into the idea of a demon / supernatural story and you've both done this here. Your styles merge together and compliment one another very well in terms of writing too, which is definitely a bonus. I've read so many co-authored stories where the entire thing is a mess because the two authors can't work well together, but you guys don't have that problem.

I do like the introduction of Pandora and Adrian, and the way in which you show the two separate sides of their characters. Having the point of view told from two separate people means that we get to see both characters develop both personally and through the eyes of the other, which allows us to really get to know the characters.

There are quite a few errors in terms of spelling and grammar throughout as mentioned in the comments below, which do distract from the story as a whole unfortunately. I'd suggest giving it another read over to identify and correct the mistakes or get a third party to read over the story in order to point these out. Additionally, I have to agree with losing control. -- the story seems to rush through the plot. I'd suggest adding more into certain areas of the story, or padding out the chapters. Having it as thin as it is does leave the reader feeling a little confused, and it takes away from the realism of the story as a whole.

That being said, you've got something good going on here. You work well together, the concept in itself is interesting (especially the idea that Adrian has to 'look after' Pandora, who isn't all too enamoured with the idea herself) and you've got a good solid backbone going on here. I just feel like it could do with a little more love.

You guys claim in your summary to welcome constructive criticism, so I hope this doesn't come off as too harsh. Just know I am writing this with the best intentions, and I apologize if it does insult you but it's only meant to be helpful.

It's unfortunate because based on the amount of rec's/subs, the fact that this was featured in the Magazine, and that some of the Mibbians recommending it in the community are pretty prominent members I came into this story expecting a lot. Probably too much, because I found myself disappointed. (Keep in mind that that's subjective and I'm just one reader.)

I wanted to keep reading this simply because it looks like it's really good based on what other people were saying and I'm not sure if I just have horrible taste, no eyesight, or what, but I couldn't even finish the first chapter.

Already I found typos within the first two paragraphs, and it was stuff that could have been easily caught with just one proofread or having a second set of eyes look at it (And honestly since there are two authors, therefore two sets of eyes, that shouldn't have been an issue. I'm not sure if you guys read over each other's chapters before posting but I highly recommend that if you don't already.) Just be careful of small mistakes like that. One might have been forgiven, but two within the first two paragraphs? To me that came off as careless, and if the writers don't appear to care much about their story—which I'm not accusing you of, I'm just saying that's what it seemed like from my perspective given what I've mentioned—then it's going to be hard to sell me on putting time into caring enough to read it. On that note, make sure to watch out for fragment sentences. They're okay if used sparingly for dramatic effect but it didn't work here and I wasn't sure if they were meant to be included on purpose or if it was just due to lack of proofreading.

Second, the exposition was to me, lacking. There was nothing that really pulled me in and that made me want to read your story. This was perhaps due to lack of description and the monotonous same-length sentences (Your sixth paragraph, right before the dialogue starts, is especially prone to that. I almost stopped reading there.) Some of the dialogue also lacked descriptions, ("I attacked him again, out of anger." doesn't tell the reader much. Attacked him how? Punched him? Kicked him? Slapped him? Used some magical power? These sorts of sentences put too much of the work on the audience instead of the writer.) and a lot of the dialogue itself felt contrived, which might be improved by reading your dialogue out loud as you're editing/proofreading.

There's obviously something you guys are doing right, with all the recs and subs and features in rec blogs and the feature in Mibba Magazine, but I failed to see what it was because I was turned off by the beginning of the story. The first chapter is really where you sell your story, and no matter how good your story is there will be people who decide it's not worth the read if you don't show them that through your writing from the first sentence that your story is worth their most valuable resource—time. Unfortunately, I was one of the readers you guys lost early on. Which is unfortunate because I love a good magical read.

I wish you all the best with your story as it continues to be written and congratulate you on all the attention it's received within the community thus far.

I like the concept for this story. Demons and magic and what not are always exciting to read about, and I'm a sucker for a "boarding school" type of story (though I know that's not exactly what this is).

I like the dynamic between Pandora and Adrian so far. It's interesting to see the interactions between them, with him being her guardian and fiance. The last chapter makes me wonder how their relationship will progress because he seems like he's doing some iffy things, but I'm not entirely sure.

One criticism I have is that I wish some things were developed more. I feel like there's sort of a skeleton of the story going on, but I want it to be more fleshed out so we get the full picture. I keep finding myself getting lost because there's some things that it seems like I should know, but it hasn't really been explained so I don't really get it. Maybe that's just me, but I would really like some more backstory behind Pandora and Adrian, as well as what happened in Pandora's past to help me understand them as characters in the present time.

The pace of the story also seems a bit fast to me. At the very beginning she's by herself on the run, and the 4th chapter they're already at the academy and Adrian is doing super secret things for them even though he was just hired? It just all feels a bit fast to me.

I really think you have an interesting plot going though, good luck writing the rest!

I'm always up for a story involving demons and magic! Lol love this story so far