Mercy. - Comments

Here posting a very late comment for the judging of the Make Me Laugh, Cry or Sit on the Edge of My Seat contest. Apologies for the lateness!

Layout / Summary

The layout is nice and simple, pleasing to the eye and not at all distracting from the story. Lovely. However, I do feel like there's very little in the summary to hook readers in.

Content

I always find it totally incredulous when people hate snow because I'm such a fan of it, but I can get the sentiment here. It also gives this kind of adulthood-esque vibe to the narrator's thoughts, which is nice to get. It gives you a little bit about the character before you even get into the main innards of the story, which is definitely a positive thing -- it makes me interested to read more.

What I like about this story is that it paints the narrator as being totally normal. She's got a normal job and a normal life, and she's pretty much a normal adult. Mibba seriously lacks in stories where main characters start off the story by just being completely average, so it's refreshing to see that through both the first chapter and the coffee ritual in the second chapter. Although, I believe that's going to change!

I love the way that she reacts to virtually everything, though. She's so deadpan and when she's kidnapped, she's absolutely hilarious. It may not be entirely realistic, but it's definitely funny to read through! She's got a lot of character and it's really lovely to read through from her perspective.

Concrit

One of the main things that put me off slightly throughout this was the lack of commas. There are certain areas of this piece where the sentences run onto one another. Without a comma to break them up, it does get rather monotonous. I'd suggest trying to read your sentences aloud. Any time you pause naturally, I'd add in a comma.

Aside from that, I noticed a few quick errors while I was reading:

- I Pat her head softly -- "pat" shouldn't be capitalised here.
- apartment buildings front door -- "buildings" should be "building's" here.
- pushing my self forward -- "my self" should be one word.
- couldn't get any worse then what -- "then" should be "than"
- Just on que -- "que" should be "cue"
- A shutter flowing through my body -- "shutter" should be "shudder"
- A sound of a small Bell rang -- "bell" shouldn't be capitalised here
- her makeup slightly smugged -- I think "smugged" here should be "smudged"
- on her breathe -- "breathe" should be "breath". This happens again in the sentence My breathe hitched in my throat
- looking around like a Fool -- "fool" shouldn't be capitalised here.
- The sound of my employees voice -- "the" should be in lowercase as it's directly following a piece of dialogue, and "employees" should be "employee's". You make the same mistake with dialogue a few times, so I'd keep an eye on that.

Overall

You've got a very good premise going here. Your character is strong, likeable and the way that she reacts to and interacts with Bucky is very interesting to read! However, you do have quite a few spelling and grammar errors here and there, so I'd keep an eye out for those when reading through your chapters. Errors aside, you're doing a great job!

No bad at all. Chapters are kinda short but that just keeps you guessing for when the next one is coming out.

So I read through the first chapter petty quickly and I'm kind of curious as to whats going to happen next. :) Also on

"I'm sorry, I have to go." I Pat her head softly as I grabbed my coat

pat is capitalized where it shouldn't be.

in this sentence;

"I really hate winter". Muttering to myself through chattering teeth, pushing my self forward and into the closest building.

I would change it to; "I really hate winter," muttering to myself through chattering teeth I pushed myself forward into the closest building.

A sound of a small Bell rang just above my head as I stepped into the small diner, the warm air hitting my face causing my skin to tingle

bell is capitalized where it shouldn't be (I'm writing things down as I see them so I don't forget) and I wouldn't use a comma to separate that sentence - I feel like it doesn't need the pause. I am guilty of this too though so it's a common thing I guess.

Rubbing my hands together I took a few steps and choose to sit closer to the random guy at the end, instead of being bother by others.

Change bother to bothered.

"What can I get for you doll?" The younger waitress walked up to me, her hands stuffed into the small pockets she had, her black hair held up in a messy bun and her makeup slightly smugged. I could even pick up a small hint of cigarette smell on her breathe.

Put a perid between had and her instead of a comma since it she be a new sentence. Change smugged to smudged.

The second chapter was quite interesting to read! I feel like this could be really interesting, I'm not usually one to read marvel fanfictions unless its loki (call me biased) but this seems to have good focal point and I really want to read more. Also I can feel her pain about her boss - Tammy is so frickin' rude - she is always nagging about something so I can feel her there to be honest.

It didn't take long for me to get into work after running out of the diner, it definitely wasn't smart of me to run out of the diner to look for blue eyes like a total creep.

I think there should be a period after diner instead of a comma.

"It's so nice today." The sound of my employees voice had me almost falling out of my chair from fear, scrunching my nose at her odd joy I folded my arms and stared at her. Her blonde hair was pulled into a high pony tail, she wore a nice feathery shirt with a tight skirt and hooker heels. Her face, well it looked like it had been painted on as usual.

employees should be co-worker or associate unless the other girl works for her. There should be a period after fear instead of a comma and a comma instead of a period between "started at her" and "her blond hair. Period after pony tail instead of comma, and there should be a comma after heels in stead of a period. I feel like I'm nagging I'm so sorry! I was an English major I feel like I see everything now. :c

Make others hate their lives more then they already do, get them to complain and bring it to the boss.

then to than.

I got to the third chapter and I really like where its going, I feel like some of these chapters could be merged together into one chapter. Writing is hard so I totally understand :) So far the story seems really interesting, I feel like this could go somewhere great! :D And please don't be upset with my corrections! I don't mean to offend I just know I'd want these things pointed out to me! Happy writing! Keep up the good work!

uh oh, cliffhanger. dying to know who those people are & what's going to happen next!!

I really wish I could Rec this several hundred times haha. This just keeps getting better. Your character is funny drunk. I think her falling into the snow was funny haha.

This story seems great so far. I'm excited to find out what happens. Only confused part is what made her enter the building on the way to work? just to warm up? But ya, New York seemed to get slammed with snow the other day haha.

I feel her pain, my boss was the same way yesterday with Jonas. There was a state of emergency and travel ban, and yet they were still open, haha.

Anyway, I'm curious to see where you're going with this! I like it a lot so far, though i did notice a few grammar and spelling mistakes here and there. Other than that, I think the content is really good!