Reflection - Comments

Most of the errors I caught were highlighted in the below comment, so I won't point them out.

I love the start of this. The envisioning of a different world, one that isn't as bleak as the one they currently live in. It made it curious about their life, about why they don't have the family they so wish. I love that you basically answered all that come the end of this piece.

For a moment I wondered when you had mentioned her name and backtracked to the summary to see that I'd skimmed past it. Not having it mentioned in the story really through me because most times I don't pay a whole lot of attention to the summary other than to see whether it appeals to me. I guess that's my one critique, that you neglected to fit it in to the story.

The twist of her being a demon too was different and I wasn't expecting it, so good on you! I had been anticipating that she would have something up her sleeve, but not that. I did guess that the child she encountered was going to be one of the abducted ones, though. That was very obvious, which I think you were going for?

Oh, it comes full circle! I like that! That really topped this entry off!

I enjoyed this piece. I think you did a nice job with building the character and the world for just a one shot.

Some errors that I caught real quick are:

"..." [the] child yelled[,] their hands clenching into fists at their side. >> "The" should be lowercase because it's a dialogue tag, and dialogue tags are always lowercase (unless it's a proper noun). And there should be a comma after "yelled" because it's another part of the sentence.

"Do you promise?" [they] asked >> same as above. This is repeated a few more times, but I won't point them all out.

[Its] hunger. >> No apostrophe here because that would indicate "it is" rather than the possessive "s." This was repeated, too, a few times.

"Well[,] well[,] well[,] if ... " >> commas to break up the repeating words.

I enjoy the ending. It has a bittersweetness to it, and I LOVE full circle endings, haha. So you definitely have me at that.

Lyra's back story is also quite interesting - the monologue where she explains what happened to her brother and parents is chilling but adds some depth and development to her.

In all, I think you have a pretty solid one shot here. Nice job!

Interesting summary. It doesn't necessarily draw me in fully, but it does sound intriguing.

Chapter One:
Commas are your friends. They signify pauses in thoughts or ideas and even a separation in some ideas. There are so many missing in the first few paragraphs that it detracts from the flow of the story. I have to keep re-reading pieces to be able to fully be involved.

Reaching my arm over my should I peeled... should read Reaching my arm over my shoulder, I peeled...

The story has a good premise, but it needed more world building and detail to really make that fully come to life. Also, you really need to watch out for your grammar. Besides the commas, there were several other mistakes such as run-on sentences, needing to place periods to separate a thought, capitalization, etc.

Overall, interesting idea and take on this. You do have some really good descriptions in there, but it just needs more to really draw the reader in fully to the story. You did a good job, though, with what you have.