June 8th, 2016 at 04:05am
Okay, wow. I loved this pile of cheese. What I loved most about this piece was how well it reflected the song, how the song starts off mellow and then ramps up, and that's how I felt when reading this - how the couple ramped up their being together, if that makes sense? The drabble really matched the song and while listening to breezeblocks I could see how you took inspiration from it. Your writing is so descriptive but done in a way that doesn't feel forced or awkward. I really liked everything about this piece. Thank you for entering in my contest!
This is simply perfection! It's so filled with passion and such great detail. I love it! I love how you describe--everything! It's just so perfect! 
Chapter One
Your descriptions are on-point. You build the atmosphere, the setting, the tone and the characters in a way that paints a vivid picture of the depicted scene in the reader's head. I can just see exactly what is happening as you describe it, immersing myself into this short piece immediately, which is an absolutely fantastic thing to do in such a short story. The body language between the couple also really adds to the mood, there is this really subtle intimacy displayed in your writing, even in the first paragraph.
The second paragraph was so romantic and intimate, you just wrote the kind of intimacy between them so beautifully. The relationship between them just seems so believable, you can just see that they love each other without them having to say anything at all. I don't even know how you manage to describe things so perfectly, but you really do.
Every nerve in her body felt electric, like there was lightning rushing through her veins that was desperately trying to escape. -
The third paragraph and then the final line was such a perfect way to close the short story. Like this intimacy and closeness you displayed was just so wonderful, evident in the slight pick-up of the pace, yet the atmosphere was still very calm and loving between them. I just like that you took the idea of sex and turned it into something that sounds so wonderful and calm. I'm basically in love with this okay.
Overall
You set everything up so beautifully, I just wanted to keep reading more and more because I became engrossed in the descriptions you used for everything. The intimacy and love between the couple was seen so well through the body language you used in the short scene, and everything tied together so beautifully. I didn't see a simple mistake throughout, either. Basically, Lizz, this was a beautiful piece and I want more stories like this in the future!!