The Moon - Comments

Hello!

One of the distinctions between a poet and one who writes prose is that poets know how to put emphasis because they know how to control the length of their lines. On the other hand, we are restricted by punctuation and paragraphs. But this doesn’t mean that we can’t create the same tension. ^[1]Roy Peter Clark, a scholar from Poynter Institute, reminds us to play with words because “good writers play with language, even when the topic is about death.” A good example of this is what Dylan Thomas wrote for his dying father: “Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night.” In the villanelle, the Welsh poet chose to rhyme ‘night’ with ‘light,’ prefers ‘gentle’ over ‘gently’ and uses ‘rage’ repeatedly. To express his grief, he shows how life is somewhat like a blazing fire. He uses ‘rage’ to encourage the aged to rebel against their fate, per se, to fight death. Although what I’ve shown is a poet and his poem, with flash fiction or works of extreme brevity like drabbles, we have to create the tension through our word-play. Having that kind of format though, ruins the flow because each sentence is cut from each other.

Drabbles are snapshots of someone’s life, perhaps a few frames within a scene. It’s okay to write about someone’s routine but do it in a way that leaves something for a reader to imagine because it’s not fair for you to do all the work. We, readers, have to exercise our imagination too. The Iceberg technique by Ernest Hemingway is a great strategy to make use of. ^[2]He said that “if a writer knows enough about what he is writing, he may omit things that he knows, and the reader … will feel those things as strongly as though the writer had stated them.”

In line with that, showing vs telling comes to mind because with what you’ve written, I’m getting the vibe that it’s mostly telling, though I think you got the vagueness part right because you were comparing the phases of the moon with the mood of the speaker or character, and given that, you technically show the moods through the actions of – what I assume is – the significant other. I mentioned above that drabbles are snapshots so that means there has to be significant detail for us to produce a reaction within the reader’s conscious mind. We only have to show a little bit of the story and let the reader finish it in their minds.

^[3]David Gaffney from the Guardian mentioned that making your last line ring a bell is important, but to me, the first and the last line should both ring a bell. Although I think you did deliver that, there should be more drama or tension that accompanies it within the main body of the story.

With flash fiction or drabbles, I love to see little connections here and there that constitutes a story. For example, the chapter title is loosely connected to the story itself or it’s the continuation of the title. It’s like a huge web, with the piece at the middle. The chapter title, title itself, short description and the long summary are the strings that keeps it afloat or supports it. I love to see the connections here and there since it’s making me interact with the story, albeit a little bit. You have to foster interaction between the reader and the story.

Overall, you did a good job with the drabble. It’s not powerful but it delivers some impact. There’s also not enough tension or emotional power. That lies within the format, sentence structure and diction. Consider varying the length of the sentences because you can control the pace of the story with that, and playing with words since imagery, metaphors, paradoxes, oxymorons and personifcations are welcomed with open arms.

I made a criteria for the contest to help me judge. If you would like to know what you scored under each criterion, please don’t hesitate to PM me!

References:
[1] Fifty Writing Tools by Roy Peter Clark (2006)
[2] https://thedrabble.wordpress.com/category/on-the-art-of-drabble/
[3] https://www.theguardian.com/books/2012/may/14/how-to-write-flash-fiction

This is so totally cute and adorable. And not just cause it has to do with the moon and mentions Lord of the Rings <3