Altruistic - Comments

Your writing, omg, I bloody loved this. YOU KNOW I HAVE A THING FOR SEPTIPLIER NIKKO HOW DARE YOU. This was brilliantly perfect, great job.

I cannot explain to you how hurt I am after reading that. Septiplier is my otp. Ahh. You're so talented.

Layout
I love the layout, it's really pretty and seems to be fitting to the story.

Content
The summary got me from the start, it's very put together and does what the summary should. Which from what I've seen, and experienced, is very hard for a writer to do.

I'm well over a couple paragraphs into the story, and I love how you've developed both Sean and Mark in this story. I love how innocent they both are in this story compared to their normal boisterous selves in the real world.

WHat? This is not okay, I repeat, this is not okay. My heart is broken, it is literally broken in two from this. Mark needs to find Sean, he needs to They're meant to be friends forever.

Anywho, I love everything about the way this story was written, and you should keep writing it, it seems to be very popular.

YOU CANNOT LEAVE US HEARTBROKEN LIKE THAT!!!!

But really good story so far!

YOU CANNOT LEAVE US HEARTBROKEN LIKE THAT!!!!

But really good story so far!

The summary is absolutely heartbreaking already. But no one knows how to make him do that yet. And, honestly, it's likely that no one ever will. This line is so sad and it was definitely the line that hooked me in completely. Your summary does everything it needs to do: set the story without giving too much away. I'm definitely intrigued to see what the problem (?) is.

Chapter One

The atmosphere and tone for the scene is set immediately, and you have nailed the characters emotions. I love the fact that your use of body language tells us so much about how the character is feeling or even what they might be thinking. In Mark pressing himself against the wall, you can already tell he is scared without your narration straight up telling us he or the characters mentioning it. And I do love this twist you've added of disappearing and re-appearing, I've actually never seen something done like this before (at least not in your typical romance stories ).

I love how natural your dialogue is! It doesn't sound forced and choppy, it flows really well and I can hear it in their voices (probably because I am a fan of both Jack and Mark so )

This is so packed with emotion and you can really see it within the body language. The way you describe everything is so effortless, everything flows very well and it's so easy to become connected with the characters. And the small banter between them was really amusing. Despite the uneasy feel the chapter first gave, it kind of lifted that feeling for a moment which was nice. You've balanced it really well.

"You sound weird."
"Hey, you're the weird one!" - I think this was one of my favourite parts It's so Jack / Sean (sorry, I am just so used to calling him Jack!!)

Aww, no, the way the kids treated Mark at school is just heartbreaking. Sean comforting him was so lovely, though. I really like the way you've started to build up the relationship between them, it's so sweet and I can tell it's going to be one of those heartbreaking, tense slow-builds. Them bonding in the second visit as well was so sweet, I swear you're going to give me cavities or something.

Oh my god, when he gave him the chain it was just so adorable. "But you'll come back?" "I'll always come back." I can just tell this is going to break my heart later on, especially judging by what I read in the summary. Goddamn.

SEE, he arrived in an empty bedroom. God, that is just so, so heartbreaking. I hope they find each other again when they're older because otherwise I'm just going to be really sad and I'll shake my fist at you. Overall, this was such a beautiful entry for the contest!!

Overall

You handled the trope so marvellously and I definitely wasn't expecting a plot like this to go along with it! The first chapter alone was packed with so much emotion, which you were careful to show and not tell, and the dialogue was so easy and natural between them. The story flowed well and I didn't see a single mistake throughout, either. I was absolutely gripped by this and I will definitely keep reading on because I can't wait to see what happens between them in future chapters! I'm looking forward to more. And also, I am absolutely loving the layout! It's very pleasing on the eyes!

LET ME TELL YOU HOW NOT OKAY THIS IS! YOU START OFF ALL CUTE AND THEN BAM, BY THE END MY HEART JUST SHATTERED! WHAT. RUDE.

But really, this was so lovely. I've never read a fan fic about these two, but I'm so glad I came across this! The premise is so amazing and I loved seeing how you portrayed it. I personally didn't see mistakes. I'm super excited to see what you do this! (I'll leave a longer comment later on, but I wanted to say this first thing)