August 6th, 2016 at 03:58pm
P.S. I Hate You - Comments
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Love the ending! YaaaasApril 27th, 2016 at 09:30am
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Thank you:)April 14th, 2016 at 05:34pm
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@ BirdwellPrincess
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it :) And welcome to Mibba!April 14th, 2016 at 05:48am -
I'm new to Mibba, and this is one of the first stories I have read. I loved it! :) I can't wait to read moreApril 14th, 2016 at 04:10am
Layout / Summary
The layout is simple and readable, and the colours go fairly well together. I'm not coming into the story and instantly wanting to swap to the default layout, so good job there. Your summary is simple, but it really makes me wonder about where you're going to take this. That little letter is super-interesting, and I'm excited to see how it'll develop when I read through this.
Content
I love the sarcasm we get from the tone of the narrator, especially in the first few lines. You can almost feel the bitterness and heartbreak Pete feels when he sees Soph with Jared. I like that we have this almost constant flow of thoughts from him as he goes from being heartbroken, to being angry to then being just done with the entire thing. His character stays consistent throughout, and we get this wonderful monologue of self-loathing when he thinks about what he doesn't have that Jared does. It's very realistic to the way that the mind thinks when you have been cheated on, and I think it adds a wonderful sense of realism to the entire thing -- the reader can really connect with how Pete feels and thinks.
My favourite part, though, was definitely the last few lines. The idea of comparing shattering his heart to shattering her china and stealing the TV being the same as stealing his heart away is so clever, and it really adds a lot to this piece.
Concrit
The one major thing I noticed while reading was the way you format dialogue -- there should always be a blank line between each individual line. So, for example, this:
“Thank you,” I said.
“You’re welcome. That was an interesting way to meet, huh?”
“Yeah.”
...should be formatted like this:
“Thank you,” I said.
“You’re welcome. That was an interesting way to meet, huh?”
“Yeah.”
It happens quite a bit throughout, so I'd suggest having a look at that by doing a second read-through to correct.
Overall
This was a good piece! You took the song title and turned it into something that works really well alongside the entire thing! You've got a wonderful sense of characterisation, and if you can resolve the issue I mentioned above, this will be a great piece. Nice job!