June 11th, 2016 at 10:26pm
Layout / Summary
The layout for this is absolutely beautiful, first off. I'm not normally a huge fan of layouts that're practically all white, but the way that this one just melts perfectly into the banner image is definitely something that I'm digging. The simple quote you've used in your summary works well as well -- coupling the banner image and the quote together definitely make me interested to read!
Content
You picked one of my two favourite songs off of the entire album, so I was really interested to see how you interpreted it into a story and you've definitely not disappointed. I like that you've taken this idea of dreaming about someone and almost making it seem like a curse. The way you've set up the description also works well with the dreamlike quality of the music itself, so I really love that you've actually managed to capture that within your writing.
Your description in this is simply stunning. The way that you show the narrator discussing things that they could be dreaming about makes me conjure up images in my head. The way that they describe this person makes me feel like I know exactly who they're talking about. You paint such beautiful images with your words, and it really is a delight to read. This piece is so simple, but it's filled with such beauty.
Concrit
I actually don't have any. A++
Overall
This is a beautiful piece of work. You've taken such emotion and imagery and pressed it into a piece that's so short, and I really envy the ability you have to do that and not make it seem over-crowded or to flowery. Beautiful!
Chapter One
The first sentence was perfect. I mean, the description really allows me to vividly picture the things they wish they could dream about. You use specific attributes or actions - like curling up dollars, the curves of cars - that really allow the reader to vividly see the picture. It leaves something to their imagination, but I feel like you've used imagery of them that really evokes the senses - it's something that is easily associated with the objects used. I like that the first paragraph was about materialism, since I think you portrayed it so well through your descriptions and narrative voice.
And then the transition to the romance was great. I thought that the second paragraph felt more dreamy compared to the first - which really reiterates that this is truly what they dreams about and truly what the narrator desires. It was very romantic, it had more feeling than the first paragraph and I love that contrast. It goes to show that bonds - particularly romance in this case - are far more important than material things.
The last line fit so well with the story and was a great way to end it. Fabulous piece!
Overall
I think you really portrayed the contrast of materialism and emotion super well, right next to each other. The transition between the material and the romance was done amazingly, I just loved how in the romance paragraph there was far more emotion compared to that of the material paragraph. Again, no criticism because as per usual, your writing is basically perfect~ Beautiful work~