CNV-6 - Comments

Yay for recommending this story in my contest

Not gonna lie, your summary gave me chills. Good chills. I thought the whole timeline of this person coming back to life was brilliant because it tells us what this person is capable of. Also like what Ella said, the whole time of death / awakening is beyond alluring. It makes me think how they could've done that You also have a classy layout that I love so much!

With chapter one, I definitely liked how it opened up with a case file. I thought it was perfect, especially with what the summary teased us about. I can tell you did a lot of research through the small details of the case summary alone. The final diagnosis...damn, I felt like I was watching an episode scene from Grey’s Anatomy I feel like everything there was precise and detailed, and of course I have no idea what those things mean but I am interested The second half of the chapter was beyond fantastic. I liked how it started with, “It looks like the whole of D.C. is one fire,” because it gives me this powerful image of your story’s setting. I also liked how your sense of imagery had an easy flow to it, as I basically read through this nicely. My favorite line has to be “people tended to fight destruction with more destruction” because I think it’s fully packed with so many emotions and can sum up your potential plot in one line

Brynn is an interesting character. I sense that she’ll be a strong badass and I like that. She’s witty too, especially here, “If I do die, make sure you take credit,” and it makes me laugh only because she’s in a critical situation yet she’s making jokes. I am beyond interested to see what Brynn has to do mainly because of what is happening in her town. Will’s character also pulls my curiosity buttons because he seems to also have a strong minded thought process while at the same time, he obviously cares a lot for Brynn [i.e. ...so you don’t have to go anywhere by yourself and ...just be safe].

With chapter two, I noticed a growth in your character through her mind and thoughts. By making her thoughts shine more thoroughly, your story sparked a whole new realistic aspect and I really really like that. One thing for sure when I read apocalyptic-themed stories is that it’s scattered and unorganized. With your story, it’s far from those things. You have a pace where, again, the flow is smooth and that’s hard to do especially with a heavy plot. But what you’re doing? It’s incredible.

I found a small typo in the beginning of chapter two:
She'd be lyint if she said that a selfish part of her…
{Lyint -- Lying}

I like Ben. HAHA I like the way she first describes him as impatient. First impressions are always important. Again, I like the way she thinks when she was like “great manners” HAHHA I just love how her character is witty and full of surprises. She seemed serious so her colorful thoughts are definitely a surprise to us readers. The way you started the second part of chapter two made me laugh It’s nice to have a light thought from Brynn even though she’s in this particular environment. Again again, I love the pace, especially when they saw four people and began going in spy mode. I can perfectly vision what was happening.

You definitely have a knack for creating hooks. I just fell in love with this sentence, “The infected are easy to spot.” NOT IN LOVE WITH THE INFECTED LOL but with the way it would suck into the readers’ minds within seconds - the way it would stick to us in general. My stomach started to turn when I read about the comparison between the sick and the healthy (your writing makes me emotional and I really like that about you as an author).

I liked how Brynn and Ben obviously differ in so many ways, but actually they really are the same. They have the same goals and intentions. They’d never admit it but I am sure all they want is for both of them to be safe. AND that shows towards the end of chapter two. I can tell that their intentions changed when it in a situation like thaT AND SO I AM ROOTING FOR B²

Overall, I thought your story is packed with much more than what you’d lay out for us readers. You write about one thing but your readers leave with double; it’s great! You have a great sense of creativity, and (I’m a broken record) I enjoy your writing style. I am interested to read more about their plan and if they didn't get caught so I am looking forward to an update! Great job!

Let me start by saying the summary pulled me in straight away, the first chapter started off strong and just flowed nicely until the end... I really like the description you use and I LOVE anything to do with the zombies apocalypse as well! Great start on this!

The summary hooked me straight away, like immediately. Adding the whole 'time of death' and 'time of awakening' thing was so great, even though it absolutely creeps me out because of course, dead people probably shouldn't be waking up and walking around. I also love the layout you made for it~

Chapter One

Oh, yes, starting the chapter off with a medical report. That's actually a super neat idea, it reminds me of like horror games you might play, where the character picks up a report and reads all the creepy stuff happening. I can really tell that you've done your research as well, even though I don't know much about medical things and reports, I can definitely tell you've put a lot of effort into this medical report because it shows. Even the medical report alone puts me entirely on edge for what is to come, so it was a really good way to set up the chapter.

The way you describe what the city has become since the infection was really well done. It was rather simplistic, but I think for the type of story you are writing it works, and I think it actually gives the narrator some personality, since we are seeing these things from her point of view. The dialogue you use with her is really natural as well, it doesn't sound fake or forced in the slightest because you use interruptions and fillers. I like that touch~

The roads are a mess and. I mean, - I think the full stop should be a comma

I love how logical Brynn is, she is literally me because I don't know anything about fighting, and I would not be prepared for a situation where the dead came back to life and now attack people I also think it's really cool that she went to med school, I hope that'll come into play in the future (I mean, someone is bound to need medical attention at some point, right?)

I have noticed that sometimes you slip into past tense instead of sticking to present, but it's no big deal, since I basically struggle with tense as well. I just suggest revising or even having someone else just giving it a quick check over for tense issues~

I actually feel really sorry for Brynn, that she has to leave her apartment and how unprepared she is. I feel quite scared for her as well, you can kind of see the fear and worry creeping through the narration, which makes the story more personal with Brynn. I really like how you manage to grasp her thoughts and present them to the reader so they will feel for her, or at least sympathise for her situation. I just hope when she leaves her apartment that will reach Will safely.

The she's terrified line was super impactful on it's own. It's simple, but it has a great effect. The emotions are very there in those two little words. I also love the struggle she has with coming to terms with her fears and how the world is now - how she has to put aside all the medical knowledge that she has worked so hard for to realise that yes, zombies are very real even if supposedly not scientifically possible.

And despite the resources around them, D.C. was found to be fully unprepared for this new reality. - Fantastic ending to the chapter, great work.

Overall

I really, really enjoyed this. I'm not actually a huge fan of the zombie apocalypse genre whatevers, but I really loved how you set up this story. There was something different about it to what you usually see, and the summary hooked me in straight away. I also really love the characters and how natural the dialogue and their reactions to it all are. All I suggest is revising, since the tenses did slip here and there. Otherwise, a fantastic start! I can't wait to see where you go with it~

I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with this!

The layout. The summary. The excitement.

Please please post something soon. This is going to be amazing.