Lady Bird - Comments

The summary really caught my attention. It tied in so well with this story too I feel like. What an eerie and sad feeling this story has to it. I loved it! I loved the emotion you put into this story, and I loved how it was short but told an incredible piece of a story to a grieving mothers portion of life.

I have to say that the minute I saw your summary, I was curious. Ever since the mother started searching for her kids, I was intrigued to read where this would go. The part where she was pulled back just made me feel so sad. She’s a mother who can’t help her kids, feeling helpless~ and that just hit a spot in my heart. Your simple words had a great, lasting effect on your readers. I have to say you made an amazing connection to the rhyme itself with this major aspect of your story. It was obvious and quite stunning.

Although I thought it felt rushed and there could’ve been more ways to flesh out your characters, I did enjoy your take on the genre mystery. You way you wrote and ultimately twisted the rhyme to your desire was creative and had us in awe. I liked the concept you have, your main idea; the major issue of losing one’s kid, the emotion within that, and just the alluring state you leave us readers in once we hit the ending. Wonderful job on your entry!

Layout / Summary
The font that you've used for the title image is so... it's very haunting. I like it. It gives this foreboding sense to the whole layout, especially with the dark colours used. I'm excited already! I also love the rhyme used in the summary -- adds to the creepy mood that's going on here!

Content
This has such an ominous tone to it, I can't even deal. I remember my mum singing this rhyme to me as a kid, and it's just now got this really awful chill to it when I think about it coupled with the rhyme! It's such a chilling companion to the rhyme itself, and the thought of someone being burned alive just sends shivers up my spine. You really get the sense of Ms. Bird's desperation through the way that you describe her crying and screaming for her. I can't even imagine how horrible it must be for her, watching her home collapse and knowing that she's lost everything there, but she's also lost a link in the chain of her family. Horrifying.

Concrit

as the roof caved it -- I think it should be in

she was told over and over as wailed louder -- is there a word missing from this sentence? I feel like 'she' should be in before 'wailed', it makes little sense just now.

Overall

I was actually pretty amazed that you managed to get such an established storyline through such a short space! You get the sense for the characters and their despair, and you've got this heartbreaking storyline where poor Ann ends up crushed. Wonderful, but heartbreaking at the exact same time. Great job!