Freedom Interlude - Comments

Holy wow! This preface is so beautiful, wow, I can't wait to read more. I saw merpeople and I was sold, but then you added such a different spin on things and man. I can't wait.

So your descriptions are beautiful - just the opening line, followed by the rest of that paragraph, really grabbed my attention and pulled me right into Latoya's world.

I especially like the string of Baby, don't / Baby, why / Baby girl, ... that you have here. The voice is really clear in third person.

I like that swimming is her way of achieving that "victory yet to come" too. Nice parallel in the language.

This is so brief, but you crammed a lot in here and I can't wait to see the rest. Fantastic job!

Gosh, I love the summary. Dialect, distinct dialogue, I love it. That characterization right there. I think everyone should take a page from your book and learn how to do this; not everyone speaks the same way. A white person raised in the suburbs with good education will not speak the same as a person of color raised in the Bronx.

Preface

I really love the writing style here. (One gripe: The Ku Klux south and the Jim Crow north are about the same thing. Jim Crow laws applied to the south.)

There's just wonderful exposition here, though. "Her moma named her Latoya for her victory yet to come..." Ugh, I love it.

Easy, Easy

I noticed that you begin multiple paragraphs in a row with the girl's name.

Nkiru stood,
Nkiru turned
Nkiruka felt

I do this a lot, I just have to make an effort while I'm writing or editing to acknowledge it and think of different ways to begin my sentences and paragraphs with something other than [person] [verb]. Maybe with some description, thought, or something along those lines. But this is a very minor issue.

The paragraph beginning with Nkiru turned should be broken up more into multiple sentences, reworded to help the flow of the story. It's really just one long run-on sentence. Ignore if it was intentional.

Also, in the paragraph that begins with An hour, the word "pocket" is used a lot. This is something I struggle with as well, and it makes the last sentence sound a little wonky and repetitive.

I liked this chapter though, I could really feel the emotion. Very good.

I'm gonna try and continue reading this again soon!

I just stumbled across this story and already I am in love with it. It is not only well written but for what I've read so far, the descriptions are realistic and the characters are developed well and both deep as hell with real feelings and emotions. Also what I would love to point out is that as long as I have been on this website, never have I seen black women depicted as ACTUAL real women, with real problems and their own character development outside of their Caucasian counterparts and I am more than relieved. Thank you for giving us life in different dimensions, I am definitely subscribing.

This is so. Amazing. Your writing is beautifully solemn and so pure and raw and just captivating overall. I love the way you describe everything so vividly, and I'm so attached to the characters already. I can't wait to read more. Keep up the awesome work

Oh my God I'm so in love and this is just so real, so raw, and just so...holy shit. I hope you continue this!

FUCKING YES I am SO excited I don't know how to verbalise it but I will try my hardest. I love the title of the story — it seems like the name of something I would pick up in a bookshop. I love the simplicity of the layout, as it makes me focus on the writing, and I like the text in the banner, the way it's set and the words themselves.

Preface :: I fricking love stories that begin with hooks, like yours did. I love love LOVE the diction in this story n how it sets the tone. I like the way you begin with mentioning the water, a little backstory, then making it relevant to water again. It's a really smooth transition in one paragraph.

I especially like the paragraph with all the questions, and the fact that they were all in one paragraph. I think it made the questions increasingly intense. FRICKING LOVE (again lmao) the alliteration in crystal clear and white water. The last sentence was really killer — it was soft, I feel, but very captivating.

Chapter 1 :: ANOTHER HOOK WOW. Okay I just wanna say before I forget that I love how hair is already something that seems very metaphorical / symbolic in your story. I was watching the backstory of one of them 100 years of beauty or something? videos for black men in the USA, and the guy who was doing the research for it said something along the lines that hair is political, and it really is.

I liked especially the fourth paragraph down — by telling me (as the reader haha) what happened to Nkiruka's relatives, you're like showing me that she's alone. I read the rest in one go instead of stopping to comment because I like how the paragraphs get shorter, and the tone seems to get more lucid, if that makes sense. It feels less sleepy and suspended, especially with the shorter sentence lengths which speed up the reading pace.

I AM SO IN LOVE WITH THIS STORY. I am ready for mermaids, and I am unbelievably excited for what's coming next!!!!!!!

The very first thing that caught my eye was the way that this story is written. It's so incredibly raw and real. It's unapologetically honest and as a Latina, I loved this. I loved everything about this. Just within the first chapter, I fell in love. Latoya gives off a vibe that makes me feel something deep in my bones. The second chapter, it took me a second to understand what was going on but you explained it incredibly well and the imagery in this is phenomenal. I'm a reader who will always read and think of it as a movie in my head, and sometimes that can become difficult but this was easy, it's such a smoothly written piece. I seriously love this so much and I cannot wait until you update this.

This is so rich and poignant. I almost threw up my own sadness. I can't wait to see what comes next for this family.

Ahhhhhhh! I am so excited for thiiiiiissssssssssss!!! I love merpeople and I love POC being written about. I can't wait for more of this story!