July 22nd, 2016 at 10:22am
The dynamic between Ares and Aphrodite is interesting, I like the contrasts between their personalities, with Aphrodite being all loving and open and Ares being violent and closed off. I was obviously expecting it because of the whole God and Goddess thing, but I think you matched their personalities well with what they're "in charge" of, I guess. I also liked their interactions with the other Gods and Goddesses, so far it's really helped to develop them as characters so I liked that you added in appearances by Athena and what not.I really enjoyed your descriptions, in the first chapter especially. The way you were talking about Aphrodite and comparing her and her abilities to different things was really cool to read. There was a couple times in later chapters where the descriptions were on the verge of becoming a little overwhelming, but in general I really enjoyed how you really set the scene for everything.
The language that you used for the descriptions and some of the dialogue seemed to clash a little. It was really formal, I guess you could say. I understand why you chose different words in the description, to kind of keep the feeling of formality and respect, and that worked well but then when you got to some of the dialogue, it felt like that fell away a bit and turned a bit more casual which I didn't feel entirely fit with the feels of the rest of the story.
There was a few grammar errors I found and a couple suggestions for sentences:
Chapter 1:
Her beauty and grace out showed every other living being in existence
I feel like it should be "outshone" here, instead of "out showed".
It was the Gods of her pantheon Aphrodite had to worry about, the disgusting, intrusive males who all tried to force her beneath them when she denied them her attentions but she had powers of her own, powers many of them did not always anticipate.
This sentence felt super long to me, I think it would flow better if you split it up.
Chapter 2:
Those wars called to him, made him want to be amongst them bathed in the blood of any of dared face down his sword.
I think "of any of" should be "of anyone".
“I am War. I am capable of any act of violence you do not deem to strong enough to accomplish.
I get what you're trying to say here, but the sentence doesn't make sense to me as a whole.
That male appendage you men seem to be so attached to can easily be persuaded to cease functioning entirely.
I don't think "male" is necessary before appendage.
Chapter 4:
his back to the doorway as the woman's back was to him as he took her from behind.
Having "as" before "the woman's back" and again before "he took her" feels weird to read.
“You have severely upset Aphrodite, brother. She has threatened to go to father about you, and you know she will get her way because he lusts after her still,”
I would switch the order of the words at the end of the sentence to "will get her way because he still lusts after her"
Chapter 5:
“Why. Are you involving Athena in our business?”
I don't think the period between "why" and "are" is supposed to be there.
“It is sad that you think the only thing a woman can give you is her body, in that I wish I could give you what I give the humans. A taste of what true, selfless love is.
I think instead of a period before "a taste" there should be a semi-colon.
Overall, I think you've got a really good start to the story going on here! It'll be interesting to see the development of the relationship between Aphrodite and Ares and what happens as a result
I think your execution of this concept, with Aphrodite and Ares, was really interesting. I liked that you put these two together because of the contrast in their personalities—Aphrodite is soft and loving, whereas Ares is rougher around the edges. I liked how you put these two together. Their personalities clashing was intriguing because I have such a soft spot for characters that start out incompatible and just slowly start fitting together. I liked this part of the story.
However, on the other end of the spectrum, I didn't like the whole execution. The story itself has a very intense sexual vibe to it, which doesn't sit right with me and it's very distracting. It was uncomfortable and needless, especially the scene when Athena walked in—and the fact that she was just okay seeing her half brother naked was discomforting. I know you were aiming for the "norm" in that time, but it made me uneasy. Your writing style is very fluid in descriptions, but the formal tone you were trying to hold both in description and dialogue made it read awkwardly sometimes. It felt incredibly unnatural at points, even for the time period you set it in. It would clash at times and lose the flow you had.
I also wish you would have done something more modern instead of rewriting it in Greece times. I think you had a lot of room with these characters, but you stuck to the classical take. Which, of course, is okay, but it wasn't what I was hoping for. It was a good write of the classic personality / setting of the Gods, I just wish you would have done something other than just putting the two together.
Overall, I think this was a good story written in the classic Greek mythology time. Your writing had a solid core, and I think your interpretation of the gods was safe and held a lot of characteristics of textbook Aphrodite and Ares. I wish you would have done something a little more modern or something, but altogether I think it was a decent story with an interesting relationship between the characters.