Hardwired - Comments

So ive seen this story floating around mibba, clicked on it a few times and just never got around to reading it. It was one of those 'should I?" Moments. But I have to have that I actually really like it, the Original character seems very string and stubborn. I can deny that it is a little confusing to me but I will get used to it. rakken (did I get it right) is a right git, I mean seriously who leaves a woman stranded in space. What a jerk. There was a part in the beginning of chapter five where you repeated a sentence which threw me off for a quick second, but other then that I didnt really See any errors. I can't wait to see where this is going, keep up the great work.

I love that you have a very unique set of names as opposed to a sci-fi story with the same general names many of us have; and surprisingly the only thing I'm struggling to pronounce (I think) is Yahunr. It seems like your classic forbidden romance, but with such a twist one has to read. Just room wise, I think "layout by me" can be left out because that got a little long - but appearance is personal preference so it's a super minor thing.

PRELUDE: Though I don't know much about Scientific projections for how long or Earth has left at current rates, 150 years from now seems like such a short amount of time for us to reach total inhabitation. I do think it's very much like us to leave people behind over lack of money or talent. Both your description of the Pharsii's outward appearance - and their actions - remind me of Natives and the stories of the first settlers being saved and all that; this makes me a little uncomfortable despite it seeming a fairly common trope anyways. Your prelude raises more questions for me than it answers, but that's probably a good thing with a story like this.

ONE: Unsurprisingly it sounds like your female main character has something she's perfect at, but mechanics is definitely a diverse choice that I praise you for! You did very well at introducing her character and keeping things suspenseful. The introduction of new characters at the end of the chapter is helpful - I've had more than enough time to memorize her name, so it's not a rush of information. I can't wait to see whether she is robbed or does, in fact, become rich.

TWO: I was wondering just how Earth connected with this story that appears to be about foreign galaxies - but I think I just got my answer. Rickenn is a real douche, but she should definitely have combat weapons that don't need ammo if she's doing such a dangerous job to begin with - then she could have killed them all! At least she has a nice view as her doom approaches. loud out loud I think you mean to be laugh out loud.

THREE: I love the idea of Pharsiian men serving for their people - even if their jobs are to ruin the fun of others haha It's also a really great detail that these men, who I assume are akin to present-day police, don't shoot to kill. Instantly likable law enforcement. This chapter was like the grand opening of the story I feel like - fighting, struggle, defeat leading to new adventure. I wish there would have been more details about Commander N'Vorti here, but the last line leaves a promise of that to come.

FOUR: Kaja seems like she would fit in with the I.E.C very well - they should totally recruit her, especially if they let women on their team at present. I think it's cool that you started out with a character knowing just historical facts, and then there had been changes. I think a lot of this aligns with true history quite well. "Her mechanic's heart wouldn't let her overlook such craftsmanship." This is the winning sentence of everything you have - it could totally be a lead for this story on images where Kaja is pictured. Keep that in mind for when someone wants to make this a film Your description for the commander doesn't match up with your banner so I'm excited to see who else pops up here - and what the situation is.

FIVE: It strikes me as odd that she knows so much about the work camps and Pharsiian people - would they really let someone out that belongs to another planet? But ah, the chapter I have been waiting for You create a great scene that's easily pictured in my mind. Like I can seriously see this becoming a big hit film. The suspense of how the attack effected Commander N'Vorti just has me leaning closer and closer to the screen. His rage is clear, creating a great inner voice for the character. I rather like him, he seems intense but well-intentioned. You do mention Pharsii eyes being yellow, but then wrote this: rage in his red eyes

It looks like you could use a quick edit because some punctuation was out of place - nothing too time-consuming! - and some of your sentences appear to be runons. Overall, however, this was very well written and a perfect sci-fi story for those who aren't experts to follow because you give all the necessary details. Definitely subscribing~

To me, the summary was a bit overwhelming to me just because there's a lot of information and difficult (unfamiliar names). Also, I think you're missing a comma after I.E.C. I think the reason the summary looks like a lot is because the middle two sentences are run-ons. I'd separate the second paragraph after "Market" and the third after I.E.C. So basically split them each into two sentences.

Also, how the heck do you pronounce his first name? Et-s, Eates, E-tes. I'm really not sure.

I love sci-fi so I’m really excited for this. The plot sounds really thought out and well-put together. There definitely seems like there’s going to be a hint of forbidden romance too, since both main characters work on opposite sides of the law. When I read into the first chapter, I realized that not only are they opposite sides, but they’re different species as well, which just makes this even better. I have a story that similar in that regard.

The only thing I have to say is be careful of which tense you’re writing in. There’s a few spots where it slips into simple past “would”, “had been”, etc, rather than “will”, “was”. Am example in the first chapter” ”The Earth had been depleted” (the Earth was depleted).

I love how detailed everything is. I can tell how much work you put in to piecing this together. In the first chapter though, you wrote “On that day, humans had their first legitimate alien encounter and they couldn't have been happier” which struck me as a little odd. Yes, they’d be happy that they’d found refuge, but wouldn’t they be terrified first? They didn’t know what kind of aliens were on those ships. I think mentioning that would make it a bit more realistic. :) Overall though, I’m really enthralled with this story!

I haven't really ever read sci-fi type stuff but this intrigued me so I gave it a shot.
It's absolutely wonderful. The characters, the settings you write, the details you put in are all great and really flesh out the story.
I've really become invested in this now so I hope you update soon!

So, not what I would usually read. But I'm jealous that you can come up with a world of your own. The detail is awesome. The layout is pretty cool too. I definitely think you should keep going. While it's not something I normally read I would still recommend it to others.

I read the prologue so far & it has me hooked. It's nice to read something different than what I usually get into haha. The names are unique and that's a plus. I'm gonna read the rest of the chapters at work tomorrow. and the layout is awesome.

@ Alex Moore.
I haven't even see the new Star Wars, let alone any of them. I saw like the third one a few years ago. I wasn't a big SciFi nerd which made it odd for me to feel inspired to write one.
Thank you so much for the comment I'm glad you liked the layout, I spent like two hours on it XD

This is more sci-fi than I ever attempted. I love the layout and the summary is promising! Is this somewhat inspired by the latest Star Wars perhaps?