I liked that Mouse’s feelings get in the way of her master plan. And so I liked it was her feelings that did that, in that sense, because Mouse is described as a strong-minded person. I do like that twist you added that she’s falling for that customer's son.
One thing I noticed that the pace seemed rather awkward for me when I reading the chapters because I felt like everything happened a bit too quick. It went from one thing to another where I thought certain scenes escalated too quickly.
I do like how you nicely developed your characters in just chapter one. I feel like I got to know Pencil, Bee and Mouse was just by the way they were introduced. You give a nice history of their childhood and I really liked that. I especially like it when Pencil would add not to call her that name but Bee and Mouse would ignore her. Pencil could’ve gotten mad but she didn’t and so that itself gave me a good insight of who she is. The moment when that customer was bashing Bee broke my heart. I was just so angry at that customer and with that, you wrote about that scene with great ease (making me hate a character) and so I’m just amazed.
Mouse’s character was interesting. I liked that her mindset is very human -- natural and raw. And through your writing, I just get and understand her character.
Overall, I think you have a promising plot in your hands. You have a nice prose and well thought out idea. Great job!
One thing I noticed that the pace seemed rather awkward for me when I reading the chapters because I felt like everything happened a bit too quick. It went from one thing to another where I thought certain scenes escalated too quickly.
I do like how you nicely developed your characters in just chapter one. I feel like I got to know Pencil, Bee and Mouse was just by the way they were introduced. You give a nice history of their childhood and I really liked that. I especially like it when Pencil would add not to call her that name but Bee and Mouse would ignore her. Pencil could’ve gotten mad but she didn’t and so that itself gave me a good insight of who she is. The moment when that customer was bashing Bee broke my heart. I was just so angry at that customer and with that, you wrote about that scene with great ease (making me hate a character) and so I’m just amazed.
Mouse’s character was interesting. I liked that her mindset is very human -- natural and raw. And through your writing, I just get and understand her character.
Overall, I think you have a promising plot in your hands. You have a nice prose and well thought out idea. Great job!