I loved the summary, actually. I felt it gave enough information to hook the reader in whilst not giving everything away, plus the final line was like the hook. I actually really like the setting you've come up with for this, it's very unique and definitely down my alley since it has sci-fi vibes and all. The only criticism I have is that the layout doesn't really seem the fit the story, based on the summary anyway.
Chapter One
I liked the small exposition at the beginning of the story, it really set up the idea, the tone and atmosphere I imagine you are going for in the story. I can tell that you've really put a lot of thought into the plot and the world around us, and I think the small exposition gives your readers a good idea of what is to come and what is to happen without overwhelming them with information.
I absolutely loved the first paragraph - you spoke of torture and embarrassment and the examples you gave for them were vivid and accurate, I could almost feel second hand embarrassment when you spoke of her teeth falling out, and the idea of creeping darkness with dark eyes sent shivers up my spine. I think you nailed the emotions so well here and it really helped to build the atmosphere of the story and give this kind of tone to the character's narration. I get a feel for her personality from this alone, I feel.
I really like the touching upon the memories too, because the way you wrote them felt like we were getting snapshots and glimpses into the character's life, which is how she is feeling to. To be able to have your readers feel the same way as your character is hard to do, but I feel you've done it just right. You've made her personal, you've really made us begin to understand her through her vivid memories and thoughts. The description of John was also absolute beautiful, I could just picture him through the snapshots of him you gave us and I can really see the connection the main character has with him clearly, just through the way she talks / thinks about him.
I did enjoy the way you gave us a look into the character's life, especially the fact it all seemed to be happy moments before your character narrates the war they were a part of. I think it was certainly a good opening to the story, and I love the fact your fictionalised yourself this way.
I think the only criticism I have is that some of the paragraphs didn't flow well from one another, since the narration seemed to jump to often random topics from one paragraph to the next. Perhaps this was executed because the character seems to lack good memory at the moment, but it would be a little jarring to read about one thing and then be thrown into something else that is a little connected, but not entirely.
Overall, a great piece!
Overall
You really fictionalised yourself in such a unique way and I loved that. I can tell you paid attention to details in the plot and world-building, and I think you introduce the reader well to this unfamiliar world - well, I didn't find myself confused as to what was going on, etc. It was a very interesting read, and I do wish there was a bit more to read since I am genuinely interested to read further. Apart from the two criticisms mentioned above, I didn't see anything else that was worth noting. Fantastic piece!
Chapter One
I liked the small exposition at the beginning of the story, it really set up the idea, the tone and atmosphere I imagine you are going for in the story. I can tell that you've really put a lot of thought into the plot and the world around us, and I think the small exposition gives your readers a good idea of what is to come and what is to happen without overwhelming them with information.
I absolutely loved the first paragraph - you spoke of torture and embarrassment and the examples you gave for them were vivid and accurate, I could almost feel second hand embarrassment when you spoke of her teeth falling out, and the idea of creeping darkness with dark eyes sent shivers up my spine. I think you nailed the emotions so well here and it really helped to build the atmosphere of the story and give this kind of tone to the character's narration. I get a feel for her personality from this alone, I feel.
I really like the touching upon the memories too, because the way you wrote them felt like we were getting snapshots and glimpses into the character's life, which is how she is feeling to. To be able to have your readers feel the same way as your character is hard to do, but I feel you've done it just right. You've made her personal, you've really made us begin to understand her through her vivid memories and thoughts. The description of John was also absolute beautiful, I could just picture him through the snapshots of him you gave us and I can really see the connection the main character has with him clearly, just through the way she talks / thinks about him.
I did enjoy the way you gave us a look into the character's life, especially the fact it all seemed to be happy moments before your character narrates the war they were a part of. I think it was certainly a good opening to the story, and I love the fact your fictionalised yourself this way.
I think the only criticism I have is that some of the paragraphs didn't flow well from one another, since the narration seemed to jump to often random topics from one paragraph to the next. Perhaps this was executed because the character seems to lack good memory at the moment, but it would be a little jarring to read about one thing and then be thrown into something else that is a little connected, but not entirely.
Overall, a great piece!
Overall
You really fictionalised yourself in such a unique way and I loved that. I can tell you paid attention to details in the plot and world-building, and I think you introduce the reader well to this unfamiliar world - well, I didn't find myself confused as to what was going on, etc. It was a very interesting read, and I do wish there was a bit more to read since I am genuinely interested to read further. Apart from the two criticisms mentioned above, I didn't see anything else that was worth noting. Fantastic piece!