August 13th, 2016 at 08:22pm
Although it took me a while to understand what exactly was happening in the beginning, I really liked how you worked around the whole concept of a crush. You put the main character is a busy atmosphere and in that moment, she noticed one person. One person in a hectic situation. And doing so just makes sense to the whole crush concept. When you see that special something, no matter where, they are clear. And you executed this nice aspect of a crush gracefully and perfectly.
I hate to say it but I wasn't fond of the way the main character described her crush’s girlfriend. Calling her dumb, criticizing her height and her smile? I didn't really like it. And maybe the reason you included it was to give us an insight of her mind? But then you ended this section with the mc saying, “Why can't I be as pretty as her?” which makes me sad, thus turning the tables around. The mc first dislikes the girlfriend because she's battling her true feelings; feeling jealous and not good enough. I'm surprised you turned it (the criticizing) around this way, because it turned out to be impressive, in terms of the situation.
The way you go on about her having these feelings, these strong feelings for Magnar is good. It worked and it sufficed with the main plot. Your ending was lovely. That line you used was great and beautifully structured. What a nice entry, great job!
Thank you so much for the feedback! To be honest, it's got nothing to do with my writing skills. I just wrote how I felt when I first started crushing on people. Glad you liked it tho!