July 29th, 2016 at 10:51am
The transition between Vivian being woken up by the noise and how Mariana appeared in front of her with blood stained dress. I have to admit, I was worried that something actually happened to Ty and luckily the little guy wasn't the one who got hurt. You painted a vivid picture of everything unfolding in the chapter and it's a good way to hook the readers. I find your descriptions to be quite easy to understand and you just put enough information for the readers to know what happens without killing the suspense. The cliffhanger at the end! I really want to know what happens now. What happened to Alex? How did Mariana actually end up killing him? These questions need answers, now! (well, no, really, take your time.
I'm just getting excited)All in all, I think this is a really great start for a story. It's full of suspense and definitely keeps me on the edge of my seat. Keep up the good work!
when i clicked on this, i had no true idea what this was going to lead too as the layout (which is a bit too bright & spaced out for my liking, but who cares about presentation, right? it's the content that matters) really didn't give off that vibe. but the more i started to look @ the actual background pic did i start to get that "well, this is creepy..." vibe. so to start, the summary was on point. just enough to draw a reader like myself in!!
first paragraph in & im already quivering. so it's 1:47AM, im in a hotel room that is just as dark as vivian's in vancouver where nothing & no one can help me if shit goes to hell & back (also bc the ac is on & it sounds like someone is running to & fro in front of me from time to time, lowkey freaking out). but overall to have picked an experience almost all of us can relate to - as the dark has been someone's fear @ least once in their lives - is goddamn brilliant
this setup is amazing to say the least. seriously. but wow, tempted to mark as a true story?? i agree: crack is whack. should be a slogan. but it's amazing how things like this can inspire pieces of true art. the only suggestion i have is to not repeat the names of all your characters so frequently as it sort of distracts from the premise, but overall, this is an intriguing start!