Collaterally Damaged - Comments

Wow! Your story has a great foundation for 3rd person deep point of view. It teeters back and forth between 3rd person omniscient and 3rd person limited.

Check this out. In chapter two you write…
With a resigned look, Mitch managed to haul himself into the bathroom to start getting ready, following his daily routine closely enough.

As a reader I experience Mitch doing something up until the point he managed but I never see him haul himself in the bathroom and I don’t see him getting ready. These are known as motivational tells and these tells rear their ugly head in prose with infinitives.

For example: to haul himself or to start getting ready.

When you say “to something” notice that Mitch is not really hauling himself at all and he’s not really starting to get ready.

Notice the difference with this revision:

Example: Deep Point of View
Mitch sat up and looked at Stephanie. He’d been lucky, she hadn’t left him when he joined the Leafs. He twisted and moved his legs out of bed like pushing weights on a leg press machine. He stepped toward the bathroom and looked back a Stephanie again. He wished he could have crawled back under the covers and spooned with her. But not this morning. He had daily practice. He entered the bathroom and looked in the mirror. His five o’clock shadow had grown like grass and a layer of gunk coated his teeth. Should he had started with a shower, shaving cream or a toothbrush?

Example of 3rd person omniscient
Mitch hauled himself out of bed and into the bathroom. He turned and looked at Stephanie again. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was that their relationship endured challenging times. He stepped into the shower and turned on the water.

Couple of things here:

1) Without saying “to something” Mitch is actually doing something as opposed to intending to do something. Big difference.
2) Notice I didn’t elaborate all the details about Stephanie having to stay in London when Mitch traveled back and forth. Refrain from info-dumping too much backstory all at once. Make the reader earn it and spread it out over the story in bits in pieces. Withholding information gets the reader asking questions and it’s a form of foreshadowing. In order for the reader to find out the rest of the backstory they have to keep turning the pages and that’s what want. You want the reader to invest in your story by finding out the details throughout the story.

Watch out for those sneaky adverbs in your prose:

You wrote:
Mitch rolled over in bed three mornings later to see his girlfriend of nearly five years, Stephanie, snoozing soundly next to him

Show the evidence of snoozing soundly as opposed to telling.

Notice the difference in the revision:

Example: Deep Point of View
Mitch turned over and exhaled. Warm air from his breath didn’t leave his face like the nice cool sensation he expected. He cracked his eyes open and laid face to face with her. She slept like an angel. A sense of euphoria filled his head like a mixture of love and sexual desire had merged into one. He moved closer and placed his lips on her mouth. Her every breath soothed his face like a refreshing breeze. He moved backward and shifted. Might he have awakened her? She hadn’t moved or stirred.

Example: 3rd Person Omniscient
Mitch turned over in bed. Stephanie slept like a motionless rock.

Keep Writing. Have Fun. Peace.

I just really love Morgan and I hope he fights for her!! Sorry will!

I think it's great and I'm really looking forward to following it and seeing how it all works out!

I am so intrigued!! Can't wait to see how this pans out, great writing so far!!