April 9th, 2017 at 09:12pm
@ Alsoldey
It's cause it's truuuue. I've lived her my whole life and have visited San Antonio a lot for family and it's so hot, but god damn do I love it. I'm glad you're excited, though! I'm excited to keep writing it
I love the way you've ended the first chapter. We're not even fully engrossed in Lorelai's day before all of a sudden there's this guy telling her about that her dead parents need her help? Definitely helps with this whole witchy vibe you've got going on! Most of the stories that I've read about witches are quite... childish? I feel like that's a bad word to use, but yours is the opposite. It's full of darkness and it just makes me so happy to see an original fic that has these wonderfully evil undertones. Definitely makes me excited to read on!
I like Lorelai, as well. She's so multi-faceted, and as readers we can see her developing even throughout the two chapters you've got up. I especially like that in the second chapter, the reader almost gets the vibe that Lorelai cares for the unknown person lying in front of her, but that's then shattered by the end when she mentions that all she wants are answers. It almost shows the selfish side of human nature that doesn't get enough representation in fiction, especially the more likeable characters. It's a basic human flaw -- you look out for yourself and your interests, and it's something we all do. Seeing it manifest itself into a story in the way you've done it is effortless and comes across as a character flaw, but not one that's thrown in to prevent the character from becoming a Mary Sue. It's effortless, and that definitely adds a touch of realism to Lorelai's character -- even if she is a witch!
The one thing I'd watch out for is the description of a 'British' accent -- there are four separate countries with very different accents in the UK, and three classed as Great Britain, so if you're looking at it being the posh kind of accent, I'd probably go more for describing it as an English accent than British. It's a little bit of a pet peeve of mine -- I'm Scottish, and it's a very different accent to English, but we're still classed as British. It's a silly little thing though, I'm just very petty about those sorts of things.
I'm interested in where this is going, for sure. There's this air of mystery to Noah and his message that isn't fully cleared up yet and it's definitely something I'll be reading along for more information on. The plot seems to be well thought-out, and you've got a dynamic and interesting storyline beginning to form already. This is shaping up to be really good. Keep it up!