I think you have a nice firm grasp on 3rd person omniscient.
Tighten up your prose in the following two areas: Eliminate passive voice with active voice. Eliminate adverbs with action words, clauses or sentences.
For example: adverb quickly and passive voice using “was”
Annie sat outside Cafe du Parc off of 14th avenue. The sun was shining high in the blue sky and a gentle breeze rustled the leaves above her. She glanced at her watch. It was just after noon and she had class in little over an hour. Glancing at the nearby window, she quickly ran her fingers through her chestnut colored hair. She looked down and adjusted the white shirt she wore under her light peach colored cardigan, making sure it wasn't too low cut. – Serenity Speaker
Consider instead action and active voice…
Annie sat outside Cafe du Parc off of 14th avenue. The sun shined high in the blue sky and a gentle breeze rustled the leaves above her. She glanced at her watch and lost track of time. She had class in little over an hour. Glancing at the nearby window, she flung loose hair back in place. She looked down and adjusted the white shirt she wore under her light peach colored cardigan, making sure it wasn't too low cut.
Another example: adverb promptly and passive voice using “was”
She looked up and promptly wiped the foam from her top lip, licking her finger before waving. He was hard to miss with his dark hair and thick five o'clock shadow, wearing a gray pair of jeans and a black v neck t-shirt. – Serenity Speaker
Consider instead action and active voice… He surprised her. She look up at him and stuck her tongue out, wiping the foam from her top lip. She licked her finger and waved at him. She recognized his dark hair and thick five o’clock shadow.
Overall I kept reading story. I didn’t get bored. Really great job here with scene shifts, character personality and interaction.
I hope you have in mind who the main/protag will be, an overall story goal and an inciting event for Annie or Brock.
Tighten up your prose in the following two areas: Eliminate passive voice with active voice. Eliminate adverbs with action words, clauses or sentences.
For example: adverb quickly and passive voice using “was”
Annie sat outside Cafe du Parc off of 14th avenue. The sun was shining high in the blue sky and a gentle breeze rustled the leaves above her. She glanced at her watch. It was just after noon and she had class in little over an hour. Glancing at the nearby window, she quickly ran her fingers through her chestnut colored hair. She looked down and adjusted the white shirt she wore under her light peach colored cardigan, making sure it wasn't too low cut. – Serenity Speaker
Consider instead action and active voice…
Annie sat outside Cafe du Parc off of 14th avenue. The sun shined high in the blue sky and a gentle breeze rustled the leaves above her. She glanced at her watch and lost track of time. She had class in little over an hour. Glancing at the nearby window, she flung loose hair back in place. She looked down and adjusted the white shirt she wore under her light peach colored cardigan, making sure it wasn't too low cut.
Another example: adverb promptly and passive voice using “was”
She looked up and promptly wiped the foam from her top lip, licking her finger before waving. He was hard to miss with his dark hair and thick five o'clock shadow, wearing a gray pair of jeans and a black v neck t-shirt. – Serenity Speaker
Consider instead action and active voice…
He surprised her. She look up at him and stuck her tongue out, wiping the foam from her top lip. She licked her finger and waved at him. She recognized his dark hair and thick five o’clock shadow.
Overall I kept reading story. I didn’t get bored. Really great job here with scene shifts, character personality and interaction.
I hope you have in mind who the main/protag will be, an overall story goal and an inciting event for Annie or Brock.