Oh! And love your title! It was what made me initially interested to read.
September 25th, 2018 at 05:08pm
This is great to have in one of your opening sentences: “a kill like this should’ve been an easy one.”
I found myself questioning—“Kill what? Why? Whats the job- exactly?” … curious to read on.. Also the sentence automatically gives me the clue that this character has had the job for a while and is experienced since it “should’ve been an easy one.”
However the following sentence seemed to ‘tell’ rather than ‘show.’
Instead of saying boring- show boring
Also “I pressed the down and waited impatiently for the elevator to call.” --- it might not be necessary to have ‘impatiently’ thrown in there (another example of telling vs showing)… and let the character’s actions speak for their impatience….
“Easily taken car of! Just a little poison in their morning tea and problem solved!”
Of course all rules are meant to be broken but I have learned that exclamation points are best if avoided when writing fiction/novels.
Note: it is clear that the main character is female when mentioning work blouse… could the gender be this clear earlier in the chapter? Within the first paragraph?
Also: “A door I didn’t notice to the right opened and I hesitated before following them through and into a new adventure that would definitely throw my world into chaos, excitement, and renewal.”
Instead of telling the words “chaos, excitement, and renewal”…
How can this be shown through actions and monologue/dialogue?
Overall, you really have something going here… but it might be helpful to notice the places where the writing can tell rather than show… its always better to show… to get the reader emotionally involved by putting them through a vivid experience of the character in the story… instead of saying chaos… show chaos… let it grow as the story is told…. Throw your character into chaos- … lets say Jynx falls on her face… describe the experience--her face throbbing, the taste blood, the tenderness of touching the wound… rather than saying “the fall felt unpleasant”… show unpleasant… By showing rather than telling you create a story that emotionally involves the reader with the story and can even build tension along the way…. Don’t feel like you have to explain everything by the end of the chapter… its okay if you dont (and its even interesting) to leave some lose ends to tie up in the next or following chapters.
Great Job! Looking forward to see what happens next!