September 8th, 2008 at 11:41pm
Unchain Me
My first thought is: lovely title. It draws you in somehow. Also, it is rather odd as this appears to be in reference to Jimmy when you read the story, but Jimmy is not the narrative voice. However, may I suggest that you change the grammar to make it: Un-Chain Me. It makes it a little more eye catching.
He’ll stand in the bathroom for hours on end sometimes.
I love you. You have no idea how much I repeat myself about one-line opening paragraphs. .
I also enjoy the way that the story appears to base the order of description on linear time. This is good, as opposed to: I've described how he gets dressed, now I'll describe how he gets up and that he hates mornings etc.
Occasionally they’ll fall asleep together but the dog is always first to wake, and will break free of the loosened grip of its second owner. Once Jimmy wakes, alone and in an awkward position, that feeling of loss comes back.
I adore the way you portray Jimmy's fragility, almosy child-like in sensitivity and disposition, but old enough to interpret the emotions behind actions. I wanted to cry in approval. . See.
Another great thing about this piece is how the narrative takes a backward stance. Almost as if they're on the outside of something, looking in and can never fully comprehend it. Like something has been taken out of context. It also gives off the impression that the narrator has started off looking at something small, and gradually zoomed out to look at the wider picture.
Today, a couple of months after the routine deteriorated, Jimmy rises from the bed with a slouch and a yawn to my complete surprise – I honestly didn’t think he’d manage to surface.
The change in the tone of the story is subtle, you almost don't notice the fact the story has moved on until you get to the hyphon. It's almost as if someone has walked down a street, looked into one house and seen something, then looked into another, identical house and seen something totally different. I applaude you.
I get another feeling that I don’t really want to watch what’s going to unravel.
That is perfect writing. Honestly, it is. It's shown humanity in it's essence. Knowng that you should want something, but really wanting something different. Like the narrator knows he should be happy for Jimmy, but secretly doesn't want him to go ahead with his actions. The reader hardly notices how much empathy they have for the narrator.
Altogether, a wonderful story.
Fucking hell, Sam, just wow! I love it 
Foremost, I really like the perspective you used of the deceased Matt, as opposed to first person or even someone outside of the picture. The image of someone passed on watching from overhead is something I haven't seen done before, at least not in narration.
Also, I'm a fan of lone-sentence openers, and I do them quite often myself. Either that or a rambling paragraph as a start. But I digress. I really did like the first line, it sets the mood for the story in a simple way, and doesn't give away the whole plot or character or anything like that right away. Simplicity is key.
I also like how...weak? No not weak, not exactly. I'm trying to avoid using words that the poster above in your comments used, but there really aren't that many. So he's fragile, as stated. Very fragile, very broken, very ill from loss. I love how you depict what's happened to him. I must say it again, I'm a complete sucker for tragedy; I lovelovelove tragedy. I don't know why, but it just appeals so much to me. Especially romance tragedies. So this actually was a really wonderfully written one. I feel like I'm repeating myself again, but I love depression and pain and sorrow and all that good stuff. I just love Jimmy in this story, I really do. Sweet suffering, in my book.
Once Jimmy wakes, alone and in an awkward position, that feeling of loss comes back.
I really love that line. I feel like I completely understand how alone he feels and how he can't stand it. (You have a similar writing style to mine in this one, I feel, and it's funny because my characterization of Davey in my fics is more or less something similar.)
Another part that strikes me:
But I can’t tear my eyes away as he weaves his way between the defiant slabs of stone until his pace almost resembles a run, and I can hardly breathe as he stops in front of the one he seeks. He lets go of the dog’s lead and collapses in front of the marble, his arms clutching the top of the stone as sobs shake his body, and it’s as if the grave is the bathroom mirror as he stares into it.
I give kudos on these lines too. It makes it seem at first that he's frantic for something positive, anxious for something he's been waiting for or something of the sort. And then it just goes BAM! and hits you with the utmost pain, it's like when you go to the tippy top of a roller coaster and it takes that plunge, and your heart gets stuck somewhere in your windpipe. The big anticipation comes crashing down and it's really sad because you can feel it coming on but at the same time it's unexpected.
Really love it lots.