Vengeance. - Comments

Keshuoo! Come back and read... *cries*

Great chapter! This story is still so entertaining. I have no critique this time, but maybe that's because I was just enjoying reading the story so much. Writer's block sucks, I should know. I couldn't even tell you had it because the chapter flowed so well. I hope your block doesn't stop you from updating!

When I read this chapter, I realized that this story is truly quality material. It really is written like something that could be published in a book. The plot and characters are developed, the descriptions are great, and the English language is not put to shame. If you have any ambitions to be published, you should really go for it with this story! I mean it, that would be great!

Pointers:

“I hadn’t realized that I said that out loud.”
Try, “I said IT”

“You won’t have to be sad anymore.”
(There is an absence of quotations at the end)

“I nodded smiling and she reached to wipe the tears from my face.”
There should be a comma between “nodded” and “smiling”

“She pulled me into a hug again and I am only to willing.”
“To” should be “Too”

“She said still running her fingers through my hair and holding me close to her.”
There should be a comma between “said” and “still”

“The once lively forest now covered in mud and filth.”
“Was” should be between “forest” and “now”

“beautiful...”
Should be capitalized…

“My grandmother warn me of you…"
Should be “warned”

Update soon! I like the magical-ness of the story. It's so enchanting, and the overall your story is great. There are few that can compare. Great job.

OH MY GAWDD they took away his family!! Why!!! Why! Why!

*cries*

I'm saddened. William sounds like a hottie. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally not crushing on your character that has only been around for a few paragraphs therefore not giving me any legit to totally crush on him. Ya dig?

For some reason this reminded me of the movie Gladiator. I always cry when I see that scene of the guy coming back to the village only to see his wife and son killed.

*cries again*

I liked the lack of dialogue. It made the chapter very to the point. That's good. The first paragraph needs corrections, though.

*"The sound of young boys helping and harassing their mother woke up the sleeping William. He smiled and sat up...He yawned and stretched, still listening to the sound of his children and wife."

Nice job

I love this story It sounds like something that could be published. Really, I mean it. Here are some pointers:

*"With my boots sitting on my bed, next to my bag I snuck towards the door."
There doesn't need to be a comma

*"as I snatched it an hurried back to my room"
anD, maybe?

*"Taking one last glance at the room I picked up my journal and boots, shoving the journal in my bag I opened the window slowly."
This should be two separate sentences

*"I pulled the edges making the jacket tight around my slim frame and"
There should be a comma between "egdes" and "making"

I LOVED this description:
After I pulled on my boots I carefully lowered myself to the ground and turned to close the window. The window landed with a thud and my breath caught in my throat. My body crumpled to the ground and watched my parent’s window with fear. A few moment’s later and all I heard was the steady snoring. My body melted in relief and I leaned against the old house.

Keep it up! I'm loving it. Have I already mentioned that? Well, I'm saying it again.

I don' think there needs to be a second "that" after "October" in the first paragraph. It sounds fine without it :)

I like it. I didn't know there were going to be elements of fantasy. That's really clever. Is the girl a teenager or an adult? Yep, everything was good. I'll be reading on.

I LOVE it so far! It's so original, and unlike anything I've ever read. It has the perfect mix of reality and fairytale.

Can't wait to read more. :)

SWEET!!!!! can;t wait to read the book sweetness
it's going to be kick butt