Stopwatch - Comments

^^Btw, to ImLaughing... you're not a bad critic, you're NOT a critic at all if you didn't even READ the effing story to begin with. Jolly is one of the best authors on this site and if you're not a fan, it means you lack the brain cells to appreciate his writing.

I keed. I'm not that mean, but he's pretty damn awesome.

Jolly McJollyson:

The Way:

You are one of the authors to beat on this site, not that I'll soon be catching up.

You'll have to wait until I stop improving, hahaha.

Well, you are six years older than me... gimme time. :P :mrgreen:

Jolly McJollyson:

ImLaughing:

Now, first part is PRESENTATION.
What was your description? "This is a story about a man named Adam"?
We now you have fantastic writing skills, as you carefully proved in the first chapter.
So why be so... I don't know... boring? Dull really. Doesn't grab the readers attention.
Also, the beginnning of your story didn't catch my attention either.
Yes, I didn't even bring myself to read the next chapter... horrible me.
Ummm... more in the next comment.

I do have to say that you haven't actually read the story if you haven't read both chapters. It's a short story, not a novel, it just has two parts.

I'll rework the intro, though. However, I don't think I'm going to redo the description. I feel like the story should speak for itself, and I don't like to give people "special introduction" to the material.

Okay.
I agree with you, I should have read the story first... yes I'm a bad critic.
Okay, you don't need to give people special introductions. Just my insight that I thought you might want it to pop out from other stories. I don't mean to sound like an arse though, and I consider you a fabulous writer, even though I am not a fan of the types of stories you write.
Au Revior!

ImLaughing:

Now, first part is PRESENTATION.
What was your description? "This is a story about a man named Adam"?
We now you have fantastic writing skills, as you carefully proved in the first chapter.
So why be so... I don't know... boring? Dull really. Doesn't grab the readers attention.
Also, the beginnning of your story didn't catch my attention either.
Yes, I didn't even bring myself to read the next chapter... horrible me.
Ummm... more in the next comment.

I do have to say that you haven't actually read the story if you haven't read both chapters. It's a short story, not a novel, it just has two parts.

I'll rework the intro, though. However, I don't think I'm going to redo the description. I feel like the story should speak for itself, and I don't like to give people "special introduction" to the material.

Okay, next part.
It was also a tad jumpy.
Now, reading that, you might be TOTALLY confused. I would.
Its just that, I did not enjoy how it jumped from past to present to waaay past.
It was a bit confusing.
Neither did I like the lacking of quotes and instead using -s, but that wasn't horrible. It made the story... again, I am lacking words.
God, I need a dictionary.
So, criticing over.
And yes, I'm such an amazing critic, I can barely spell criticing.
---Au Revoir---

Now, first part is PRESENTATION.
What was your description? "This is a story about a man named Adam"?
We now you have fantastic writing skills, as you carefully proved in the first chapter.
So why be so... I don't know... boring? Dull really. Doesn't grab the readers attention.
Also, the beginnning of your story didn't catch my attention either.
Yes, I didn't even bring myself to read the next chapter... horrible me.
Ummm... more in the next comment.

Oh, [[insert swear word here]].
I said I would comment on one of your stories, and I'm always true to my word.
I have no idea why, but I am.
So, I've decided to be a critic today, because I'm that bored.
Yes, I'm younger, probably a worse speller, writer, and editor then you.
So, you can TOTALLY ignore this. Seriously, I'm giving you the permission.
Or you could listen and try to make your writing better.
I thought this comment was a tad to long, so my criticing is going to be on the next comment.

I like it!

The Way:

You are one of the authors to beat on this site, not that I'll soon be catching up.

You'll have to wait until I stop improving, hahaha.

Haha, well, for now, I prefer Dousing the Phoenix, but we'll see what further editting does to Stopwatch.

I have a new appreciation for the this story because of the second chapter. The style became somewhat simpler and that was just what was needed to add some power to it. In all of I've read of your writing, I like the second chapter of Stopwatch best, because it's just so descriptive and direct at the same time, and it's hard to do that without either dragging on/boring the reader or making the story somewhat empty. You have excellent metaphors and the underlined meanings gave a somewhat mysterious feel to it, as well as the 'or-so-you-think' open ending. You are one of the authors to beat on this site, not that I'll soon be catching up. Have you gotten an award yet? You should. Haha.

Now I'm kind of torn. I can't choose between this or Dousing The Phoenix...

Tas The Pimp-o:

Jolly McJollyson:

I actually just took the suicide out. Now Kronovier is simply gone.

Ok. I actually think that that works better.

Me too. The suicide just....well...I just couldn't write it. I mean, I had Adam finding the body, but it just didn't feel right. Now I've added a line in the first section to make Kronovier seem worried about something, and I just have him disappear.

Jolly McJollyson:

I actually just took the suicide out. Now Kronovier is simply gone.

Ok. I actually think that that works better.

Tas The Pimp-o:

Nice. 8)

I really enjoyed this last chapter. Except, I think you could've expanded more on the suicide. It was so sudden and unexpected. It doesn't really register until you read it over and over again. Also. I liked when you said, "Rinse. Spit. Repeat." It gives punch (for lack of a better word). I love choppy sentences when used correctly and I think you do it quite exceptionally. The thing about this story is that it leaves a lot of space open. Like a ton of missing puzzle pieces. This causes the readers to draw their own conclusions. This can be a good thing or a bad thing. It's good because it causes the readers to think but it can be bad because you can lose them in the process. You did a little bit of both. But I managed to keep up. Overall, you did a beautiful job, like always. But I still like "Dousing the Pheonix" a tad more.

I actually just took the suicide out. Now Kronovier is simply gone.

Nice. 8)

I really enjoyed this last chapter. Except, I think you could've expanded more on the suicide. It was so sudden and unexpected. It doesn't really register until you read it over and over again. Also. I liked when you said, "Rinse. Spit. Repeat." It gives punch (for lack of a better word). I love choppy sentences when used correctly and I think you do it quite exceptionally. The thing about this story is that it leaves a lot of space open. Like a ton of missing puzzle pieces. This causes the readers to draw their own conclusions. This can be a good thing or a bad thing. It's good because it causes the readers to think but it can be bad because you can lose them in the process. You did a little bit of both. But I managed to keep up. Overall, you did a beautiful job, like always. But I still like "Dousing the Pheonix" a tad more.

Eh, so I'm not losing my mind after all. I wasn't sure about the spelling, every language spells it differently. x]

And nice touch.

Thanks for clarifying that for me.

Bastard Son.:

This whole chapter was really amazing. I'm lacking things to say because it really got to me with its story-line hidden in all the metaphors and comparisons you used. I am still impressed with the way you portray emotion and use the character's thoughts and actions to characterise them and bring them closer to the reader. And the detail with Mr. Kronovier's office was just so good. It's been a while since I've read a piece as enthralling as this story is.

And a quick question, does Mr. Kronovier's last name have anything to do with the time metaphor? [Chronos?] Only asking because he's the rush motive in Adam's life, so to speak.

Yes. "Kronos," actually, was the Greek spelling. So Kronovier is a combination of the Greek "Kronos" and French "Vie" (for life).

This whole chapter was really amazing. I'm lacking things to say because it really got to me with its story-line hidden in all the metaphors and comparisons you used. I am still impressed with the way you portray emotion and use the character's thoughts and actions to characterise them and bring them closer to the reader. And the detail with Mr. Kronovier's office was just so good. It's been a while since I've read a piece as enthralling as this story is.

And a quick question, does Mr. Kronovier's last name have anything to do with the time metaphor? [Chronos?] Only asking because he's the rush motive in Adam's life, so to speak.

It's not that I didn't like them; far from that, it's just that some of them are often used.

"the highways and tunnels flooded with travelers on their way to work."

"Adam listened while Mr. Kronovier conducted his variations on the theme."

But honestly, I'd like you to keep your story like this. They're basically hidden in between al the other comparisons {especially the one with poisonous insomnia. I like that} and the repetitive use of No one saw this.
The story's powerful as it is. I don't see any need to change it.

Thanks! Which phrases didn't you like? I'd like to know so I could work on them.