Hurted! - Comments

  • Flynn Rider

    Flynn Rider (300)

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    not bad, though you made some grammar mistakes.
    and when another person is speaking, make a new paragraph for them.
    like how Angel spoke and then in the same paragraph, Janaesha replied.
    make a new paragraph when someone else is speaking, so there's no confusion.

    Also, with the Ryan[her brother!] part. You could make it into like this,
    "Angel, it's for you," Ryan, her brother, handed her the phone.

    ... (:
    July 31st, 2008 at 05:29am
  • iumagat

    iumagat (100)

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    Tjanks for the comments people
    July 31st, 2008 at 04:25am
  • ImaginaryHayley

    ImaginaryHayley (100)

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    Aweeh! ^^
    It's good!
    Keep on writing chapters to this story..
    I'll read them all and keep on commenting ;)
    July 31st, 2008 at 03:48am
  • Emily Alisa

    Emily Alisa (100)

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    Awh. I like!
    Update!
    July 31st, 2008 at 02:47am