In Die Nacht - Comments

Chapter 1:

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A smile spread across my face. Tom was finally home and drunk as could be.

Hmm...I want to say that if Tom's drunk as can be, then Bill probably wouldn't be happy. So maybe try and rearrange the sentences? Because it sounds like he's happy that Tom is drunk as can be, and I don't think that he is.

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Tom belched loudly, “Shut up Bill. I’m being serious you’re fucking sexy!”

Let me just say that I love the contrast on that. He's being all impolite and then he compliments Bill right after like it's perfectly normal. That made me laugh.

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“Because when you’re drunk you don’t mean it.” My hands flew to my mouth and I gasped in shock. I did not just say that.

:cry: Aw.

Chapter 2:

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He was sitting in a chair in front my guitars, trying to play a song.

And miserably failing. *cough*

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He sighed and dropped the pen on the table still not turning around, “Du bist alles was ich bin und alles was duch meine Adern Fließt.”

That line is my favorite line of the song and you just earned brownie points with me for using it.

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I obeyed and he began to sing our song. I found myself on the verge of tears. The song was so sweet and it made me love him even more.

Aw :cute: I adore that song and I love how you're going into the emotions with it.

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He smiled that amazing smile and laughed that sexy laugh, “I knew you’d like it. Now I have to play it for Gustäv and Georg.”

There's no 'ae' in Gustav (the 'a' with the double dots...I don't have a European keyboard so I can't show you what I mean exactly). But yeah, that should be interesting :XD

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This was illegal in so many ways.

Mmm...you used this last chapter and it kind of brings away from the originality, you know? Try and think of something different, maybe. Unless it's intended that you put it at the end of both chapters, as a kind of twin connection type thing.

Chapter 3:

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“I am,” he said as he began to play.

:eyeroll: Yeah, cuz we all know Tom's always right :XD

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I think I may have imagined it but he looked like he was about to cry.

Gah, I fell in love with this song again a couple days ago and this is just making it even more sweet.

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“ I can’t do this without you Tom.”

:cute: Of course not.

Chapter 4:

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“Yeah. Can I join you?” he asked pointing at my bed.

...*cough*

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“No I mean I love you. Like mom loves Gordon. Like she loved dad.”

Aw, that's sweet. I love it when they make references to Simone and Gordon and Jorg. I have no clue why. It's just adorable :cute: I do have a question, though: how old are they in this? Just curious.

This is pretty sweet. I like it. It could use a bit more detail and emotion but other than that, it's good. PlugintheHeadphones took a lot of what I was going to say with grammar and spelling and stuff so I'm not going to bug you with that. Besides, I'm not your beta so it's not my job to correct every single little mistake you havebecause I only do that with Liz and Inez. So...hopefully this review is good :]

gott i lovee ittttt <3
your writing had improved a lot too
not that it wasn't good before, but it's even better now

don't go another 500 years without updating....
or....
i'll attack >_>

nice chappy

Ich liebe this chapter!
more soon, bitte?
I'll help you with whatever else you need help with, hon.

You need to update soon. This is such a great story, it needs to be written!
Please update soon? BITTE?

I lovehow yougave the false illusion of a long chapter by putting the song lyrics.


But fer seriousness, it was a lovelyalthough heartbreakingly tiny update.

I loved it und I love you

WRITE MORE!

YAY! u updated! ily noww!

awww! Bill's so cute! ^.^

Oh mein Gott.
YOU MUST UPDATE AGAIN NOW.
I loved it.

(:

Awww its so cute!
More soon bitte?

very bute

i likes.

:]

This story is really good so far! i cant wait to see how it turns out! :D

This is good!!! more pretty bitte?

You.
Must.
Update.

because I love this.
more soon, ja?

more bitte????

me likes

So, this is interesting. I like it. But, I do agree with PlugInTheHeadphones. on everything she said. Other than that, it's good. :]

I think my favorite part was when Bill blurted out his mind right as Tom passed out. :] I was like "Uh-Oh!"

More soon, I hope. :]

I agree with PlugInTheHeadphones. Your grammer needs a little work, but I think the story is amazing xD
PLEEEEEASE UPDATE SOON!
xD

Okay, so here is my review!

Tom grinned as he stumbled up the stairs and into the room we’d shared our entire lives, “Don’t worry Bill. I’m being as quiet as I can at the moment.”

I shook my head as I lay down on our bed subconsciously glancing at the clock. 5:30 am. “Scheiße Tom could you be any later?” I grumbled softly.

I’d like to know how they got from the front door to their room. I mean, they didn’t beam themselves there did they?

One thing that I think that could make your story better is, that since Bill and Tom are both German and both speak German on a regular basis, that their conversations be in German as well. Here is a link to a site I use to translate my stuff. =]

Tom belched loudly, “Shut up Bill. I’m being serious you’re fucking sexy!”

There should be a period after serious.

“Don’t kiss me when you’re drunk Tom.”

“For the last time I’m not drunk!”

“Yes you are Tom. And just listen to me for once. Don’t kiss me when you’re drunk.”

“Why not Bill?”

During dialog, don’t have them say each other’s name’s as often as they are. When my brother and I talk we hardly use each other’s names, but that’s just us.

These hangovers got worse every time.

I think it is supposed to work the other way around. The more you drink the more of a tolerance you build up.

Over all: I thought it was good, but you should add more detail. Not only will the detail make the story more interesting, but it will make the chapters longer. =] Keep up the good work.

i love it even more!
and to the people who don't comment:
COMMENT SO SHE WRITES MORE!
OBEY THIS COMMAND!
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