Very cute (:
November 15th, 2008 at 05:34am
Story/Review game:
Not to echo everything that every other commenter has said about this story, but it was wonderful. I never go out of my way to read Panic oneshots but I'm very glad I read this one. It was great to find something so literally magical that wasn't corny, badly written or over-done. I loved the Peter Pan twist, too - there was something childlike about it which was interesting when blended with Ryan's drinking.
Another thing I really liked about it was the way their interaction / friendship / relationship was slowly introduced. I'm still not quite sure if they were a couple or just freinds that kissed, because of the tone of their voices at the beginning of the story and how Brendon calls Ryan 'Ross'. But it was never obvious and I liked the ambiguity and uncertainty I was left with. It subtly displayed your talent.
Ryan was bored. That’s all it pretty much took – boredom. Being swallowed up by the complete dullness of life and the complete disinterest to live it. He’d go bother somebody about his apathy with everything but nobody was with him at the moment.
But there was Brendon.
I loved the opening. When writers can open a story with simple sentences that effectively set the tone of the story as well as give information about the character, but not over do it, I know I want to read on. That's exactly what you've done here and I was drawn right in.
“What the hell are you doing?” Brendon asked, sending Ryan a tolerant look.
This line also caught my eye, The use of the word 'tolerant' suggested this might be a regular thing for Ryan to get drunk and for Brendon to not be happy, but put up with it all the same.
But Ryan rolled his eyes. He didn’t find anything funny. “Fuckface is going to kill me,” his eyes looked glossy before he started rubbing them. “If he gets home, anyway.”
I don't know why but the use of the cuss word shocked me a little. In a story that was introduced with lines from a children's book, it seeme a little oxymoronic to put that in there. But it caught my attention and made me wonder who 'fuckface' was, thinking they would be introduced later on, and also made me keep on reading.
“Your lips, you moron.” The older boy smiled and looked up at the still shining sun.
That part made me smile. The way you phrase things is so simple but really effective in portraying emotion and actions. Also, you've finally gotten round to what the title is all about, and I got really inrigued then - not that I wasn't already, but hey. xD
The older boy answered almost immediately. “When somebody kisses you, you’re suddenly pulled into a fantasy world like . . . Neverland or something.”
Brendon shrugged and looked at his feet. “I wanna go to Neverland.”
I missed a bit out so I didn't have to quote the whole thing, but this was a great example of portraying an idea through dialogue. It was like Ryan didn't know exactly what he wanted to say but you as a writer did, if you know what I mean (I'm rubbish at explaining my own concepts of stories, usualy nobody else understands). I loved how Ryan seemed to come out of his drunken state to say something childlike, innocent and in a way, profound - and Brendon's response was adorable. It also made me smile wider - I kind of knew what was coming but I didn't, if you know what I mean (again, with the explaining myself thing. xD)
Ryan seemed to perk up when he heard this. Taking Brendon’s freezing hands into his own that were also freezing. He looked into his eyes; sincere.
This sentence was also smile-inducing, but the grammar threw me off a little. I think it should have been something like: Taking Brendon’s freezing hands into his own chilled (or other adjective to describe coldness) ones, he looked into his eyes, sincere. But hey, that's just my view, and the way you wrote it probably fit in with your own idea on your own style of writing better. It was just a suggestion, and flowed better for me that way. (:
It was like magic. Beating hearts were clear in their ears when they felt the rest of the world being replaced with a new one. They were afraid to open their eyes, afraid to see the fantasy before them.
Again with the simplicity thing. No fancy metaphors are needed for you to pull of fantastic imagery that sets the mood and theme of the story, and the kiss was so sweet and brilliantly written - especially when you encorporated the word 'magic'. I loved how you then went on to use the extended metaphor of Neverland for the kiss. The physical introduction of fairy dust seemed so real and I thought it was going to turn into an AU fantasy type of thing, until the kiss ended and Brendon was sad. The concept of the two of them rising as they felt happy and raised up in their hearts was adorable and incredibly well written.
He moaned and pulled away from the kiss. And unexpectedly, he cried. Buried his head in his palms and the tears gushed out. “I wanted to fly,” he whimpered.
But Ryan smiled at the younger boy and placed both arms on his shoulders. And he said –
“We’ll just have to try harder, then.”
Brilliant ending to a gorgeous one-shot. You have such extraordinary talent and when I have time, I'm going to come back and read more of your work. I'm not sure I can say much more without repeating myself, but all in all this was a very well written oneshot and I adored it.
I always wanted something or to have something known and you're willing enough to get me there. I adrisole you, Zero. I really, really do. :arms: