The Mysterious Play of the Crimson Night - Comments

the 3rd chapter was very cute hope to read more! please update sooner for the sake of your readerds XD!

ADD MORE!
it is so well written.
I would critque more but I am at school.
so bye.

MORE!
I am pulled in now.
You have to write more now.
xD

Lol...So am I........ha ha ha ha ha *pokes* Oh come on. You can't bail on me now. FEED ME WITH YOUR CRITICISMS! lol

xXAvaXx

Chapter two, now this has charm!
I won't go into any editting details this time (although you can poke me if you want any help,) but I'll say I'm looking forward to see how the contrast in the chapters is going to work out.

Keep it up!

^^ Thankyou for your comment- it is muchly appreciated.

xXAvaXx

the story is really nice and i lobe the way you write . i can't wait for the next chapter!

ha ha ha ha ^^;; Yes...I'm not known for my happy beginnings....la la la la XD

oh. my. god.
i LOVE it!
oh, and i am so glad you started the way you did.
sadness really draws me to a story.
you have to finish it.

Thankyou. I shall edit it a little now...

...The only problem is that after the first opening...I don't really know what to do next!!! XD

Ahai.

A good piece! ^^
It reads well, and it flows, and the key to this is that you used varied sentence structure. ;)
If you want to edit it, try reading through the passage, and removing an adjective now and then, it's a pleasure to read something that reads perfectly, and your passage is close to being incredibly smooth. At some points, there are a few too many adjectives. You can still have the desired effect and atmosphere with a few less adjectives, partly because of how we interpret each sentence through syntax.

In passages where you're following a thought train, try to keep it within speech marks, with connectives like "I thought," however, don't overuse these. :roll:

You grasp your description well, recognising which words are best for each situation, and you keep similarly sounding words close when describing something in more intricate detail. I see so many authors using adjectives that don't flow together, and it drives me mad, so well done.

If you wanted to submit this to a publisher, you need to establish a goal for your character within the first 200 words, pick up any book, and it'll give you an insight in how to do this. Some publishers are even more strict than that, and say 150 words, however, this goal can be trivial compared to the plot of the story. Think Lord of the Rings and setting up Bilbo's party, whilst actually the fate of the entirety of Middle Earth is at stake. You need to draw your reader in fast. Your description kept me reading, just, a little more direction would be nice early on. :D

Anywho, I hope this isn't too much for you.
I run my own writing group, and have an author tutoring me, so I do tend to babble on. ^.-
Keep up the good work, Ava.