April 13th, 2009 at 11:03pm
A few general comments about the story as a whole: Great characterisation and imagery. I can imagine the characters very clearly. Also I love the layout. It's quite simplistic and it's not intrusive. Now. Feedback.
Part 01
You had a good, strong opening. The imagery is really vivid and it instantly makes me wonder who this old, nameless man is. He seems quite a sad man - he was waiting for the day he wouldn't wake up at all - and there's something about him that gives the impression he hasn't been happy for a while. He seems to be trapped in this life and he wants to escape as soon as he can. It makes me feel utmost sympathy for him. He seems to have a lot on his plate, right now.
You captured his old age very well - even travelling the length of such a tiny bungalow became a challenge - it makes him seem somewhat more real, and it makes the story a lot more believable. You've got a great knack of telling things how they are, rather than sugar coating them, and I admire that in your writing.
I love you describe everything. Warmth sunk through his calloused skin, fingers weaving through a mixture of soft and coarse hair. Some writers have stories filled with description and metaphors which disrupt the flow slightly, but you've got it perfected to an art. This is one of the best descriptions I've ever read, it's beautifully executed.
This large dog as his guardian - I like that he's got somebody to depend upon in his old age and I'm glad he's not completely alone. I'm glad that he has Kai, because I'm sure he feels safer with him.
It's sad how the man is filled with regret - the life he had led for the past 60 years hadn't matched what he had planned. He never dreamed he would grow old with nothing to show for it but a worn out house on the plains, and a protective pet - and it shows that he wishes things had turned out differently. It immediately makes me wonder what he could have done wrong in order to end up like this, because it seems strange that a man with such ambition can end up feeling like he does now.
The contrast between the two parts was really great, and the contrast between Kai's two forms is really significant. I really love how you've written him. He's very aware of his surroundings and the way you described him in his wolf form was good. Not many people are good at writing stories with wolves in, especially the scenes when the characters are wolves, but you're quite the opposite and I adore how well this whole thing is done.
He seems like a very solitary person - illustrated by the fact he lives alone with the old man and stays in his wolf form for days on end. I know he has company from the man, but I mean solitary in the sense that he doesn't really associate with other wolves. He seems happy enough to exist alone. The wolf's eyes continued to search the empty plains beyond his own, choosing to ignore the voice ringing clear in his head. He even goes so far as to avoid others of his kind, when he can.
I like the way you wrote Kai and Yas together. They seem to be very contrasting characters. Yas seems to be quite cocky and controlling, and Kai just isn't. Sometimes I think they don't quite see eye-to-eye. :think:
The end of this part is quite open and leaves the reader wondering about what Kai and Yas are going to do.
I loved this part.
Part 02
This was a lot more fast-paced to the first part and it was a contrast. I like that we learn a little more about Kai and Yas, and although they seem to be very different people, they work incredibly well together. They seem to have a friendly competitive streak but seem to be quite at ease with each other.
You're the one who's out of practice, dog - I like this line. It's playful, and the way he says it isn't mean; it's just quite playful - something a friend would say to another. Although Kai seems to be quite a solitary man, I think he feels more at-ease with Yas than he would with somebody else. :think:
I like this line. It implies that something will go wrong but doesn't explicitly say it. That was how it wassupposed to go. I think that the italicised "supposed" works well and lets the reader wonder what's going to happen. With your writing, you make the reader want to read on which is good, because the chapters are quite long and I'm a person who loses interest quickly with a long chapter.
I also love the little intricate details you add in. Each one looked battered by rough weather, no doubt from the sandstorms that were common in this area. You've really taken a lot of time thinking about this story and the settings it's in, and it really shows. I adore the detail that you've gone into with this, it really helps with reading things to have a lot of detail.
He hated any type of confrontation while on a job. This really does show that Kai is a very solitary person. He doesn't seem to like people all that much, and prefers to work alone whenever possible. It makes me wonder what happened to make him like that - whether it was a painful memory from the past, or whether he's just an incredibly anti-social person who doesn't like any contact at all.
I think that being alone isn't good for him though. The wild dog watched the cattle wishfully for a few minutes, running through possibilities in his head. He could drag one off into the night, and forget all about the job. The fact he looks at them wishfully implies that he's craving for a life that he had in the past. He seems to have a few regrets.
I like how Kai views Yas. He wasn't too great at his job; he wasn't good at keeping his cool. He can see his flaws as well as his strengths and I think this is important for a character to have. They can't all be perfect and think the best of one another. And then he gets annoyed with him. "I thought you had this under control, Yas," Kai hissed angrily, not at all pleased with how this night was turning out. "Now I've got to break some fucking necks." Although they work well together, there's tension between them sometimes.
The fight scene (if that's what you can call it?) was beautifully executed. It was all very real and scary. Well done on that. Kai suddenly changes into a scary person, it's like his alter ego and he's a completely separate person to the Kai that goes round killing people.
The argument between Kai and Yas was good, too. The pair of them can clash horribly, and this is illustrated here. They're both really frustrated with one another, and neither of them want to back down to the other. Yas may be the one in control here but Kai doesn't want to back down - if that makes sense? I don't know. :think:
The last paragraph was very strong too. The wolf bowed his head as he soon found himself alone on the dead and cracked earth, the name he hadn't heard in quite some time ringing clear in his head and leaving him cold. It implies that things aren't going to stay this way forever, and he'll have to go back to how things were originally at one point. He seems scared to take the persona of the lone wolf, and just wants things to stay the way they are.
Part 03
I liked the title of this part. It really stood out to me and it was very relevant to the part.
It's kind of scary that Kai can go from being all scary and intimidating to how he is in this part; all serene and gentle. In his wolf/dog form he seems so much more gentle and calm, probably because he's a lot more used to this form and is a lot more at-ease like this. He seems to be hiding from his human form.
The slight disturbance lead to the old man opening his tired eyes, turning to look over his most prized possession. - I think this was meant to be "led". But I like how the old man views Kai as his most prized possession. It's like he feels that Kai is the only thing that matters these days to him, although he feels that his life has amounted to nothing he is glad of "having" Kai. I think he feels Kai gives him some security.
Kai really does care for the man though - saving the largest that he had found (and managed to kill cleanly) for his endearing owner - this shows that he worries about the old man a lot and wants to make sure that he's okay. He wants him to live as comfortably as possible which is why he does this for him. I think it's really sweet of him.
Kai doesn't want anything interrupting him. This is his time and he doesn't like it when people invade his space, so to speak. The wolf closed his eyes lightly as he set his jaw across his front legs, ignoring the voice that had been attempting to reach him since he had re entered the house. This shows that he is most at home without others who are the same as him. He feels more secure here.
This line amused me. "I don't care if you're playing puppy-dog, I'm gonna come in there and get you myself if I have to." It was quite light-hearted and made me smile. I love the character of Yas. :tehe:
I think this line summarises Kai's character as a whole. After not seeing his face in over thirty years, he wasn't too thrilled with seeing him twice in one month. He doesn't like much contact with others and doesn't mind separating himself from others. He seems anxious to stay alone, and doesn't like the fact that Yas is back in his life. Like, they seem to get on, but he doesn't want to go back to how it was before.
Yas is the opposite of Kai, I think he seems to thrive on human contact and when Kai's all quiet and overall like a hermit, it makes him uneasy. Yas ran his fingers through his hair stressfully, the awkward silence between the man and wolf not sitting well with him. He wants to talk, but Kai doesn't. Kai wants to forget everything and get on with his life, but Yas doesn't want him to slip away.
This was good. Kai had often seen them wandering around in his territory on nice days. He regards to the land around the cottage he lives in as "his territory" and I think he feels threatened that Yas is there.
I felt really sad when Kai had to say goodbye to the man. He doesn't even want to do it, but knows he has to. He wants to stay there but Yas won't let him. I think Yas wants to break down this barrier that Kai has put around himself, and I don't think he'll stop until he breaks through.
This line was significant. The wolf knocked again, softer yet with more urgency. There was movement, this time, and it was strained. He could feel it even more, building up in the old man. He was searching for Kai. Searching for his only protection. For his life. The old man doesn't want to answer the door without Kai, and he doesn't know (obviously :tehe:) that it's actually Kai knocking on the door.
Loved the ending too, with the bike. Gives a bit of light-heartedness to a more serious part.
I absolutely adore this story. I hope this feedback was kinda helpful to you. I'll definitely be carrying on reading this!
Good job! :arms:
Ooh, I liked this. The detail you went into was stunning, you really are amazing at writing. I'll admit that I'm not a fan of chapters of this length but you're my exception because you just make me want to keep on reading! That's how good you are! :tehe:
The opening was quite eerie. The air was thick and heavy; a rare occurrence in itself and far from what the wolf was used to. It really sets the mood for things to happen later, and makes this section feel quite creepy, what with the air being thick. It's like things are hiding in it, and they can't sense it.
Kai and Yas seem to be getting a little sick of one another's company by this time. They seem to be snapping at each other a little unnecessarily, and I think this is because they've been apart for such a long time that it's hard for them to adjust to being in close vicinity to one another for a long period of time. They seem like they're really headstrong individuals and although they work well together I get the impression that they clash a lot.
I liked the discussion between the pair of them about being a dog. "Because you are a dog, Yas, if you hadn't noticed." and then when Yas says that Kai is one too, Yas's response is "No, I'm a wolf. There's a difference." This says a lot about the pair of them, and the respect they hold for one another. The way that Kai said that was kind of cocky, too, like he wants to get a point across to Yas.
The discussion on the way to the inn, when Yas was in his wolf/dog form, was quite easy and it shows that the pair of them do know how to get along, even though they sometimes fight.
The bit where the woman asked Kai if he wanted food was funny, what with Yas nagging at him in his ear to say yes. I think that Kai says no, just to annoy Yas, which shows that he's getting a bit sick of Yas by this stage.
The fight between the pair of them was very expertly written and I could really picture it well. He felt his body fly across the floor as the husky collided with him, a crazed form of fur and claws snarling and biting at the wolf. Just...wow. That was amazing writing. I often wonder where you get your ideas for these descriptions from because they're just so spot on. Your writing takes my breath away, a lot.
Awesome update. Can't wait for more. :arms: