I Never Told You What I Did for a Living

I left him standing, confused and alone in the deserted hallway. I was so distraught by what had just happened that I couldn't feel one ounce of sorrow for the way I'd just hurt him.

"You okay?"

Before I'd even noticed that I'd entered the waiting room, Gerard was at my side. He slid his arms around my waist and pulled me closer to him, his grip as gentle as if I was a delicate flower that could be broken with even the slightest force. I buried my face in his chest and my reply came out muffled and nearly impossible to understand.

"She's not my mom right now."

He pushed me back slightly. "What do you mean?"

All my past resentment towards my mother came back to me in a sickening wave of hatred and bitterness. Somehow I'd been stupid enough to believe that if I was here in her hour of need, she'd somehow make up for the past seventeen years. Now I was faced with the horrible reality of the situation.

She'd never deserved the title "Mom" and it was painfully evident now. If she could remember the man who had crushed her spirit, why couldn't she recall anything about the girl who was supposed to be her pride and joy?

"How can she be my mother if she herself doesn't believe it?"

"I'm still not following you, Lily."

I sighed and pulled away from him, sitting down on the nearest couch. "She remembers everything about her life except me. They said it's "acute amnesia," but I don't think that's a very good description."

"But what gave her the amnesia? Will she be okay?" Gerard sat next to me and patted my shoulder helplessly.

"She's got a tumor on her brain. We don't know if it's operable, but they'll tell us first thing tomorrow. They don't know if she'll regain her memory, even if they remove it. I guess it's time for me to accept the fact that I don't have a mother."

Mikey's jaw dropped. "I never thought I could hear that much venom in someone's voice."

"Yeah, and that's only about half of what I'm feeling right now."

"Lily, she's still your mom. It's not like she's hurting you on purpose," Gerard pulled me against him carefully, keeping his arm loose on my shoulder so I could pull away if I felt the need to. I stayed where he put me.

"She wasn't ever really there when I needed her. I think it's time I returned the favor."

"So what do you want to do?"

"I want to get out of here. I'll come back in the morning when there's actually news about her condition. But for now, I just can't be here. It's slowly draining the life from me, I swear. I feel worse every time I walk out of here. Well, I guess this time isn't as bad as last time. Last time I actually thought I lost someone I loved. This may make me seem like a terrible person, but this time feels like I'm leaving a distant relative that I never really knew behind. Is that bad?"

Gerard kissed the top of my head. "Let's get you a bed. After you've slept on it, you might see this differently."

I couldn't help but notice that he didn't answer my question.

"Yeah, sleep sounds good."

He helped me to my feet, and I suddenly was overcome with fatigue. My eyelids grew heavy, and I stumbled from the waiting room. Gerard was instantly there, gently guiding me toward the exit.

I caught a glimpse of Dad sitting on the floor outside of Mom's room. His head was in his hands, but I still couldn't feel remorse for my words. You can't be sorry for saying things you truly believe.

Besides, I was helping him out. This way, he never had to worry about taking care of anyone but himself, and at the same time neither did my mother. Gerard had never really had to take care of me, so I wasn't putting any burdens on him. We would help each other, just like we had in the past.

The more I thought about it, the more I was looking forward to finishing high school. I needed to be free. I had never truly been free before, and the thought was looking better every day.

Gerard opened the door and led me outside. The rain had ceased during my brief stay indoors, but the clouds were threatening to let loose again soon. I wished they would, because if I were to lose my self control and allow myself to shed a few tears, it would be easy to mistake them for raindrops.

But I could hold out as long as the clouds could.

I wasn't able to focus on anything as I was directed into the car. I didn't notice anything around me until I felt someone helping me stand. I observed my surroundings and was shocked to see we had already arrived at the apartment.

When I'd thrown on one of Gerard's tees, I crawled between the sheets of his bed. I hardly felt him next to me.

I closed my eyes and hated myself for the tear that fell silently onto the pillowcase.